Should I stay or should I go? Really need advice please!!(7 Posts)
This is my first time posting on here. I read all the time, I really just have no where to turn.
I don't really know where to start and I hope this won't be too long but I want to try and give as much information as I can...
I have been married to my DH for just over two years but we have been together for 16 years! We had our first child together when we were in our teens and 'very much in love' and inseparable we had another child when our DS started primary school then got married and had our last!
My DH is a very good dad and the children adore him. More than they do me I secretly believe as he is "fun" and doesn't strictly enforce the house rules! He is not work shy at all and works very hard to provide selflessly for the family. In every decision he makes his family ALWAYS comes first day in day out. That's the plus side.
The problem that although he is not violent he is VERY VERY VERY AGRESSIVE!! & Confrontational with profanity being used to express both his anger and frustration to his joy!
I have tried for years to figure out why he is the way he is but over the years I have just become worn out tired and fed up because his attitude and aggression is the basis of our weekly (often heated) arguments.
Trust me I can and often do give as much as I get!! And that's when he backs down the most But when the children are around I always try to diffuse the argument making it into more of a debate or i just say "ok whatever" and I dont argue back. Most of the time my DH ends up apologising and laughing it off. The kids are no way scared of him apart from quite naturally when he is telling them off.
I am just so worn out by all the arguing stemming from his aggression, one minute everything would be fine then if I do something that 'frustrates or annoys' him he will flip out shout and swear. Then most of the time apologise after.
His family know what he's like as over the years we've argued loads in front of them. They refer to him as "ticking time bomb" but they also put him on a pedalstall because he is such a loyal son brother uncle hands on hard working father and they brush aside this IMO major flaw.
I spend part of the week feeling lucky that I have 3 wonderful lovely children, a home a job a DH who loves his family but the other part feeling so low and depressed that we argue so much and that he is so confrontational and often derogotive.
When we argue we can sometimes not speak for a couple of days I will stay upstairs on my phone in the evenings after work and the kids will prefer to be around their dad. His line of work has always allowed him to be able to pick and drop kids to school as I work in town. They love me as I am the one who always plans the exciting trips holidays meals extra curriculum activities etc but I guess they do get to spend more time during week with their dad.
My DS who is almost 15 loves his family unit and hasn't seemed to notice how turbalent it is at times describing me and his father's relationship towards each other as beautiful although sometimes repellent. He said "dad loves and protects you so much" and "when I grow up I want to be just like dad...minus the swearing and I want my wife to be just like you I know you guys argue at times but you always kiss and make up and that's what matters"...
What he doesn't know is that I at times I am just so unhappy I often fantasise how life would be without my DH. Then snap back into reality when I think it just wouldn't work out logistically with three kids. I think how selfish it would be of me to put my happiness before theirs. I put a smile on my face every day to my kids family and Co workers and so NOBODY knows but you guys how I feel deep down and that is that I hate my life so much at times wishing that I didn't have children for a person who doesn't "select his battles" nip picking me into the ground.
Should I run away????
I would say no. It sounds to me like you have communication issues which could be worked out, rather than there is something indivisible in your relationship. It seems like you feel that a divorce would be a way of telling him that you are unhappy and setting out how he makes you feel. Could you find a way of doing that first before you think about ending your marriage? Do you feel powerless to raise such a discussion?
Thank you for your message Miso you are right I do feel like a divorce will tell him how I really feel as I have tried talking to him and everything is fine for a while...I know no relationship is perfect to me it's deciding what imperfection you can live with. The sad thing is I think that if I did leave and we split forever then he would learn from his mistakes and apply to his new relationship...that would then leave me very bitter even though I'm unhappy at times now....
I'm in the 'should we split' position myself and I read this cheesy American article on mediation and I have to say it struck a chord with me:
OP - Have you ever tried to broach the subject of anger managment classes with him?
I really feel for you. Too long to go into my past right now but speaking from experience and having gone through a separation involving 3 children, please try everything before you make the decision to split from your DH. You owe it to yourself and him - for those two people who met all those years ago with all the dreams and good intentions - and just as importantly for your children - my biggest regret and guilt was that they had to go through the pain and bewilderment of seeing their parents split up (3 years on they are happy and well balanced so it does work out if it has to happen) but sit him down and tell him how unhappy you really are and give yourself and him the opportunity to be completely honest with each other and see if there is a chance you can save the family unit. Of course it means he has to recognise that his behaviour is really upsetting and exhausting you and try and get him to see things from your perspective - and vice versa. I really hope you can find a way forward together ..HOWEVER .. if it should get to the point when you know that you have done everything you can do and you are still really unhappy, you have to be brave, because believe me it's hard - but you will get through it, don't be fearful of the future, believe in yourself and your children, be open and always honest - you will surprise yourself as to where you get the strength and either way, you will look back and know that it was you that took the bull by the horns and made sure that things were going to change for the better, whatever it took. Big hug!
I don't know how to make the letters bold but thank you Miso104 I will definitely have a read...
Asprilla11 no I haven't brought up anger management or maybe I did briefly yearsss ago without it being very fruitful. Google is much more advance now so I'm sure I will definitely find something.
And lubyloo your post made me cry..I can't put into words how I feel right now...
Thanks for the support...x
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