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DP wants to keep the house but can't afford to buy me out. WWYD?

(21 Posts)
isindecherryblossom Thu 26-May-16 23:57:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OP’s posts: |
StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine Fri 27-May-16 00:04:31

You need to get a good solicitor who will give her no option to be mired in romantic ideas which aren't workable. If she can't afford to buy you out and isn't wiling ot secure the work which would enable this (and it hardly sounds like we're talking London prices, here!), tough shit, particularly if your over-riding concern is keeping the kids at their school.

Atenco Fri 27-May-16 00:13:22

Maybe you should post on Legal, OP. Sorry you are going through a break up, but it sounds like your DP wants everything with jam on.

Pisssssedofff Fri 27-May-16 16:48:36

She could get s messers order I think it's called to make you pay the mortgage until the youngest is 18. She hasn't worked in a long time she could have a good case for spousal support too.

Tonis2297 Fri 27-May-16 16:52:05

Why don't you tell her to move out and rent somewhere hmm I would you keep the house and the kids since you pay the full mortgage anyway? And she can rent a smaller place and sign it over to you?

Atenco Fri 27-May-16 17:02:37

I wonder if there is any difference between being a SAHP as part of an agreement between the couple and being at home because you refuse to get paid employment?

I definitely need legal advice, OP.

Pisssssedofff Fri 27-May-16 17:05:05

No there's no difference at all

isindecherryblossom Fri 27-May-16 22:49:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OP’s posts: |
Pisssssedofff Fri 27-May-16 22:52:27

Vent away, it's a harsh lesson to learn but you'll never fall for it again believe me

isindecherryblossom Fri 27-May-16 22:55:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OP’s posts: |
Atenco Sat 28-May-16 01:30:07

Still, it is too early to assume what the court will say, IMHO. They are supposed to start from the assumption of 50/50 and that is a very good argument for selling the house and getting two smaller ones.

creativevoid Mon 30-May-16 16:48:07

OP I was in a somewhat similar position. EA ex who didn't work, picked kids up from nursery, let me do everything else, treated me like cr*p and I earned all the money. When I finally left he thought he was going to get the house, maintenance, child support, and I'd be seeing my kids every other weekend. Didn't happen. You need a good lawyer - get recommendations - and you need to be strong. Don't try to figure out now what is fair. Get advice, understand what you are entitled to, and stick up for yourself. It is very hard but you candy it. It didn't all go my way but we have something that is more equitable than what he wanted and now he is working again.

stomachinknots Tue 31-May-16 09:06:30

Thought I would piggyback on here with a similar question:

My wife and I are separating (grew apart, ran out of steam, fell out of love, etc.). She is going to stay in our current house which we jointly purchased about 18 months ago, and I am going to move into a rental property nearby.

We are going to split our savings 50/50, but she seems to think that she 'gets' to keep the house, whereas I think that either (a) she has to buy me out of my half, or (b) I get to retain joint ownership so that when it is eventually sold, I get half of the takings.

Is that basically right? Surely she doesn't just get to take full ownership?

(PS: I know that everyone's circumstances vary, but is there a general rule of thumb for cases like this?)

yahboohiss Tue 31-May-16 10:28:18

cherry I'm not an expert but I don't think anyone is automatically the "primary caregiver." I think that 50:50 custody is becoming more and more common. Could you pursue this?

I also think that providing a home for your children is absolutely in their best interests, and it would seem that this would be very difficult to do if your ex retains the house. Given your debts, I wonder if you have a strong case for selling the house and both purchasing a similar sized/priced property?

stomachinknots Unlikely she would just get to keep the house unless you agree to this. We are in similar situation. I am either going to take on the mortgage (and stay in the house) while he rents and when it comes to selling we split the profit 50:50 (because essentially he has forfeited the option of buying a house because his deposit is tied up in the equity) OR buy him out by remortgaging to give him his 50:50 of profit now, so that he can then go on to buy. Since I would have taken on the debt in this option, the house becomes mine.

ellymelly Fri 03-Jun-16 00:21:48

Very sorry to hear all the above woes, to which I add my own. DH had been violent and was coercively controlling, as well as latterly mentally ill (sectioned eventually and now on anti psychotics) and also lost his job following altercations at work then leaving the country to return to his home country while suspended. He has been trying to sue the employers for nearly 3 years but there is a question over his capacity. He blames me for everything even though I work f/t to pay all the bills of our marital home (in which he has no equity and to which he has never contributed financially, but over which he has 'marital rights') and the house to which I fled eventually with our son, who is now happily at an outstanding grammar school. To keep all this going I commute three hours a day to and from work. My two older boys, one autistic and the other doing A levels, are in the marital home and do not get on with the DH, who spends almost 100% of his time in bed. After his return from a second visit to his home country I had realised that I could not stand it any more and suggested we talk about our future. He immediately rushed off to a solicitor and despite always saying he would never go for my house, is doing exactly that, asking for money to leave, starting at 10K, then 20, 40 and now 100K. I have now seen a solicitor who says that would be preferable to leaving it up to the court to decide as they could award him more plus part of my pitiful pension. It is absolutely sickening: I am 57 and cannot get another job nearer where I live (tried but I think ageism is at work) and am now facing the prospect of having to sell up to give him a share or extend the mortgage and carry on working to pay it off. There is cancer on both sides of my family, and three generations of Parkinsons, and I am so worried about what might happen to me; I had thought that the equity in the house could provide a cushion for potential hard times. My siblings and I nursed my mother through her terminal illness at home and I could not bear that and would not inflict it on my sons. It all looks very bleak from here.

Pisssssedofff Fri 03-Jun-16 00:57:13

Go to court, honestly people are scared but in my experience the judges get it they really do and see through all this sort of nonsense. The exs only cards is ill see you in court. Well let them

Atenco Fri 03-Jun-16 05:08:55


i don't know anything about the law, but I think you should get a second opinion from a shit hot lawyer, maybe WA could recommend one for you. I'm only saying this because I read mumsnet assiduously and see that people get quite different opinions depending on the lawyer they see.

MustStopAndThinkBeforePosting Fri 03-Jun-16 06:24:13

She wants to have her cake and eat it, wants to continue to be supported by you to not have to earn her keep but not be in a relationship. No she doesn't get to have that. She needs to grow up and realise that ending a relationship does actually have consequences.

Your own suggestion of splitting the equity to create two smaller households is perfectly reasonable.

BoboChic Fri 03-Jun-16 06:35:27

TBH it doesn't sound as if you like your DP very much, so it's not surprising she isn't happy in the relationship and wants out.

Potentially the two of you could lose a lot of money in a legal battle as both of you feel entitled to a lot more from the other than you are actually getting.

BoatyMcBoat Fri 03-Jun-16 13:45:13

Lawyer up, go to Court. Sorry this is happening to you but defend yourself as much as you can.

Keep records, diarise it all - x picked up children from school then went to writing room until evening meal. I took kids to park, sorted homework, cooked, etc. Keep all bank statements, P45s and so on.

user1464519881 Sun 05-Jun-16 14:57:34

My ex could not afford to buy me out but I could afford to buy him out - we both worked full time (never let anyone you marry go part time, not worth the financial and child contact risk). So he had to leave after the decree absolute. Here in your case the other partner is a stay at home parent so they might be angling to be kept by you in the house - the current status quo.

Could you split the house into two? A lot of couples do that as a solution to this kind of problem.

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