Married in secret, now heading for divorce

[Stormyrainbow]

Trying to cut a long story short...

I married my ex-partner in June 2015 in complete secret to help with a visa to move from the UK abroad. Unbelievably, in the October the same year, after only 2 weeks of living abroad (and 5 months of marriage) he told me he 'didn't see a long term future together.'
He also said he didn't marry me for love but for the visa because he wanted me to come with him. Even though I said at the time it was a big move (to get married) and I could completely understand why he'd want to go for it alone. However, he repeated that he didn't want to lose me or go without me and OF COURSE we'd get married.

Cue 6 months of heartbreak and a trip around the world (me) to try and come to terms with what had happened. I'm now back in the UK whilst he carries on living abroad. We are quickly approaching a year of 'marriage' but obviously haven't been together since the first week of Nov.

I don't want to get divorced but obviously see no other option. I want his family and friends to know what a true idiot he has been and understand WHY this break up has been so much harder for me to take. I thought that the marriage albeit in secret was a sign of his commitment, he says I'm mad for thinking this?! As he made it clear it was for a visa and not because he wanted to be with me forever.

The biggest thing I need advice with is do I tell my parents? It's killing me that I've kept it secret for so long and obviously I'd like to get married 'properly' one day to somebody and would have to tell them. Could I realistically keep it a secret or should I come clean?

Also is it my place to tell his family/friends? I guess not? I'm worried my mum will call his mother if I tell her.

Any advice/thoughts/opinions welcomed!!

[ImperialBlether]

I would consider reporting him to the authorities if he married you purely for the visa, OP.

[Stormyrainbow]

But as we're both British I don't think that matters? He had a visa anyway, his visa was sponsored by his job and he could have easily gone without me. The marriage made no difference to him, it just enabled me to go with him...

[AnyFucker]

It sounds like you married him for the visa then ?

[Stormyrainbow]

No I married him because I loved him. We didn't want to break up...

He suggested getting married because we didn't want to break up and so we could stay together. Lots of people do it and then have a 'proper' wedding later down the line.

[AnyFucker]

Why was it kept secret ?

[annandale]

It sounds truly crap, but why do you have to tell anyone? Just get divorced.

I understand that you are furious at his rewriting of history, or that he's being dishonest either in the past or now. TBH it doesn't change anything. You're not together and he doesn't want to be. End the legal arrangement and leave it. You won't achieve anything by a big screaming match with his family, or even an email - they have no commitment to you, you didn't tell them about the wedding, so their ongoing commitment will be to him.

[Stormyrainbow]

You're right about his family. It's nothing to do with me anymore and it's not my place to tell them.

It was a secret because we needed to do it quickly and now I also realise that he wasn't sure about us being together forever, so obviously didn't want to make a big song and dance about it. I should have been stronger and challenged his reasons for not wanting to propose and do it properly in a year or so. I just accepted it and thought we'd get married properly at some point. He can't explain now why he did it apart from the fact that he did love me at the time and didn't want to move without me.

I'm just more concerned with if I should tell my parents or not. If I ever re-marry I'll have to tell my new partner as you need to declare whether you've been married before when you go into the registry office to register. My mum has his mothers number (we were together a long time) and I'm worried she'll call her. I hate keeping secrets from my family

Nothing was ever that bad between us, he just didn't see a long term future/kids with me. But admits we had a great 5 years together. I now see that i just don't think we were compatible long term but nothing horrifically bad happened. He was slightly controlling and I feel a lot more free now. I'm a little embarrassed as to how much I bent over backwards to try and keep/make him happy = exhausting!

[HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky]

My mum has his mothers number (we were together a long time) and I'm worried she'll call her.

Why? I don't get this.

Stop protecting him from his own selfish behaviour. Do what suits you now.

[TheSolitaryBoojum]

Oh dear. It sounds as if you were his security blankie, and now he's OK where he his, he's cut you loose.
Didn't want to go somewhere new without you as a familiar comfort, but now he's more confident and happy, you are dropped.
Stop keeping it a secret, he's being a selfish and immature arse.

[Pisssssedofff]

This happened with my friend, they basically rushed it so she could follow him to America. I think you have to forget the whole wedding thing because that clearly meant nothing to him and just see this as an ordinary boyfriend that's dumped you situation. He's an Arse but keep his family out of it

[Stormyrainbow]

Yes that's exactly how he sees it. What annoys me is that I reiterated at the time that I completely understood if he didn't want to get married and wanted to head abroad alone. He was adament that he wouldn't go without me and didn't want to break up. He had the perfect get out clause!

You can see why I thought he was serious about our long term. (He still can't understand this from my point of view - serious lack of empathy)

Fast forward 4 months, when I've moved my whole life across the world and he's decided actually no it's not what he wants.

Thanks for all your advice. After much soul searching I know I deserve better and someone who would actually be proud to marry and have children with me.

[DaisyAdair]

You made a mistake.
Get your divorce and put this behind you, you're an adult, you don't have to tell your parents.

[Stormyrainbow]

I know I don't have to tell my parents but I have a close relationship with my mum. She's helped me a lot coping with this break up. I feel like she'd understand why mentally it's been harder than perhaps just an ordinary break up...
Although the marriage wasn't a 'proper wedding' it did make me feel secure with him so it was even more of a shock to find out his feelings had changed.

I'm worried that if I ever get married 'properly' I'm then asking a new partner to keep a secret etc.

[timelytess]

There's something 'Egyptian' about this - the culture of 'secret marriages' so that the man gets sex with the woman. That aside...

You say it was 'a shock to find his feelings had changed'. They hadn't changed. He made it clear two weeks after the wedding.

It doesn't matter now. Divorce him. If you can avoid troubling your parents with the details, do so. Years ago I knew a woman who married to stay in Australia and divorced afterwards, without anyone in the family knowing.

Be open with any new partner, and accept that it might one day get back to family.

You got married. It didn't work out. Tidy up the loose ends and move on.

[Stormyrainbow]

We're both British and of no religion if that makes it clearer?! We were together for 4 years before getting married and had lived together for three.

He didn't make it clear 2 weeks afterwards, it was 4 months.

What he did make clear, that I accept I didn't want to take notice of, was that in his mind it was for convienance rather than out of pure love. But he did also say a couple of times that we could do it properly in a few years time. I should have been stronger in the build up to the marriage by asking some clearer questions about our long term future, but I didn't.

In my mind the lack of hesitation about getting married to be able to move away together meant he was pretty serious about our relationship. In reality he didn't really think through the consequences and clearly in almost 5 years never felt strongly enough about me to propose and marry me properly.

[Stormyrainbow]

I settled for crumbs!! Not going to make that mistake again...

[Stormyrainbow]

Also I appreciate everyone saying move on. And I really am trying but he still occupies so much of my mind. I think about him every single day and don't know how to change this. It's been 6 months since we broke up

[timelytess]

I think about him every single day and don't know how to change this. It's been 6 months since we broke up
Oh, well, I know that one! So here I am three years later. I didn't ask him to love me, I was shocked when he did, I went through all kinds of hell about it, we were never together. I've been very keen on two men since and yet I never leave the house without thinking of the first and hoping I'll see him. That's just part of life. You get used to it.

[Stormyrainbow]

I'm trying to stop the obsessive thoughts because I do want to move forwards and deep down I know that I am capable of having a deeper relationship with somebody else...

I'm just trying to break the habit of over thinking the whole situation. This post helped: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/stop-ruminating-stop-obsessing-very-little-is-going-to-happen-without-action/

From previous experience I know that it will take meeting somebody else and falling in love again to truly stop the pain. Although at the moment I am genuinely enjoying being single and being selfish. Travelling and saying yes to everything. I'm 30 at the end of next year so I would like to meet somebody at some point as I'd love to have a family etc

[timelytess]

Keep busy. It will pass. You know the old saying 'The best way to get over a man is to get under another'? Well, I can vouch for it. And you don't even have to go so far as to 'get under'....

[SandyY2K]

The truth will come out. Just be honest or you'll regret it down the line. There are websites where your names can be entered and the marriage record found.

It will come back to bite you in the a**.

[Heatherjayne1972]

Op Can you not tell your mum?
Explain it all to her - no need to tell the rest of the family and then get the divorce sorted
You sound let down and disappointed ( understandably) but he's made his decision and cleared the way for someone much better to come into your life

[Stormyrainbow]

Yes I think I do need to tell my mum. I'm just starting to feel a bit better about everything and started dating. I guess I'm just worried that by bringing it all up again (with her) and actually facing up to the divorce will send me backwards.

In some ways I think being still married doesn't allow me to truly move forwards though. Like I said I'd love to meet somebody else so I really do want to move on. However, in my heart I still struggle to comprehend how he can have no doubts in June and then in October decide it's definitely not what he wants. Not helped by meeting up in March and getting on so well again

The only way forward is to cut all contact. I don't want to have to deal with the divorce so maybe it's best to pay solicitors so I can have minimal involvement. I know it's the cowards way out but I just don't know whether I'm ready to face up to it all, maybe I should wait until I'm truly over him.