Help!! Newly married and wanting out!(17 Posts)
I need your help...
So, I'm newly married (coming up to a year!!). I feel like my husband and I have just become friends and no longer lovers. He is a really good guy and I constantly get repeatedly told how lucky I am to have him... Although I agree he's a kind, supportive husband... I just don't felt attracted to him in a way I once did.
I'm worried however that if I leave I will never find another guy who is as reliable and will treat me as nice. I've never had to worry about what he's up to, if I need support he's there. I know he'd make a good father etc.
I'm early twenties, young to be married, so am I just going through a panic stage because of that? Do I feel I'm missing out on the "fun" but the minute I get to that stage I'll crave my stability back?
I'm feeling so confused and anxious all the time, I haven't slept well for weeks and my heart is racing constantly.
I mentioned to my husband that I wasn't happy and was going to stay with family for a few weeks to give myself some space and time to think. He broke down and was just telling me how much he loved me... So I didn't go out of guilt.
Any advice is appreciated! I'm in a really confused situation at the moment with no idea what to do.
How long were you together before you got married?
Personally I believe life is too short to be miserable so if you are genuinely regretting marrying him then I would leave and give him a chance to be happy with someone else. But I do think those initial months of dating where you're full of lust and the excitement of a new relationship doesn't last long term - you can't spend your whole life chasing that feeling otherwise you will end up very lonely as you get older. Love does change and become deeper in a long term relationship, doesn't mean it's a bad thing.
(I've been divorced twice).
We were together 3 years before marrying.
Yes, see I'm not sure if this is just a mellow moment in the relationship. But then I think if I leave it longer... Will the spark ever come back?
We are still young, have no children, plenty of time to find happiness again. I don't know if this is a temporary feeling or whether 10 years down the line I'm going to be feeling the same and thinking it was too late.
No one can tell you, because no one knows what it is like except you.
I was married a year, but he was horrible to me, drunk, moody, angry, useless with the baby and treated me like a servant. I will never regret leaving.
In your situation though.... I longed for my marriage to be calm, stable, gentle.... So if you have that, I don't know.... You probably got married too young but do you really want to be single?
Firstly, it doesn't matter how nice, lovely, caring your husband is - if you stay in a relationship where you are unhappy long term it's a waste of both your time.
Secondly - don't get pregnant. I know nothing in the OP indicates you're trying, but that's often the next step after marriage and splitting is much more complicated when a LO is involved.
How long have you been feeling this way? I don't know if it is the right thing to do or not but in your situation I would maybe give it six months whilst trying to help improve things - date nights, maybe spending more time with friends if you've been neglecting that side, etc
Don't let him guilt you into staying - in the long run its no good for either of you.
Also you aren't crazy about saying the baby thing. I felt pressure to start trying from everyone around me and also because my husband wanted a baby. However, I've firmly decided that isn't a good idea with our situation. So 100% won't be happening. I do think the reason why I was considering it was to fill gaps that aren't there. I can't believe I'm typing that as I would be the first to say "what the hell" to a friend who had said the same!
I would say I've been feeling this way for about 6 months. Some days we have are great and I feel like I'm so lucky to have him. But then there are huge lulls where we just seem to co-exist.
He is a main earner and on a really good salary. People assume that's enough to keep you happy. I've never been one that's been money focussed, so it doesn't make the slight bit of difference to my emotional happiness, even if it makes life easier in terms of no money worries. Half the time people are telling me I'm lucky to have him, I think they assume I have a "dream lifestyle" but the more we have, the lonlier I'm feeling!
Maybe 6 months of trying to work it out will be a good idea. I can know then that I've tried my best?
In your shoes I would take a few weeks away from him so you can try to get your thoughts in order.
It is true that your lust & excitement fades and that will happen in every single marriage.
Even though he is a good guy there are many others but if you leave for a few weeks you might realise you actually really love him and can't live without him or you could realise the opposite. Either way you need to know
I recently went away for 2 weeks on holiday, it was then I realised mostly how I was feeling, as I didn't miss him at all. I went on holiday with friends last year too and whilst they were all saying they missed their partners, I was saying "yeah me too" knowing deep down I didn't, then I felt terrible I wasn't feeling that way?
I did say I wanted to go and stay with family for 2 weeks but he broke down and kept telling me how much he loved me and how he can't understand I feel like this. So out of guilt, I haven't. That was only 3 days ago. I'm thinking I should see how it goes for the next few months and if I'm still feeling like this, suggest the 2 week break with family again?
Thankyou for all your help. It's good to talk to people.
I would recommend reading Lori Gottlieb's book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough before you make your decision. It's no great literary masterpiece! But it might help you figure out if you're mainly suffering from FOMO or if there's a real problem with the relationship.
Not every day is going to be exciting or romantic. "Normal" is okay too. I would probably spend a few months trying to find that spark again and if you still feel like this after a few regular date nights and maybe a weekend away, have another chat and a serious think about your future.
Even though things settle down etc and you don't have that mad rush forever, I would say not missing him in two weeks away is a big sign.
I was in a similar situation in that I married young and had a feeling deep down the attraction was gone and it was all wrong. We did have DC's and are now getting divorced...there are lots of other factors in my situation, however it was thing about not missing him that struck a chord for me...when we separated, I didn't miss him at all - I knew I had done the right thing.
Hmm, not sure on this one.
You may have unrealistic expectations. Life isn't like the books & films etc pretend. Of course the sex will go off the boil after 3 years and "the spark" isn't going to last long term.
What you should expect is that "the spark" and wanting to rip each other's clothes off phase is replaced by a more mature, steadier, deeper love which is about enjoying each other's company and feeling content, loved, supported, valued etc, even if there are sometimes arguments or compromises while you adjust to living together.
Your marriage is very new and you are young. You may have rushed into marriage because the whole wedding thing is fun and romantic and if you hadn't got married this relationship would have run it's natural course and you would have moved on. Or you may be being unrealistic about what relationships are really like i.e not hearts and flowers and "spark" all the time.
My advice to you is to do something about your career. A woman of your age with no children and no immediate plans to have children, should not be settling for being the "junior" in this marriage. You will be amazed by the transformative effect that being equal can have on a relationship.
If you felt like this last year why did you marry him? There must have been something driving that decision.
I agree with Hedda, crack on with your career.
And get some counselling for yourself- think of it as an investment in your own happiness.
Being married can feel suffocating, and it can be lonely, but if you have your own career and are open to working at your own development it can be very good with a stable, loving partner.
You might like to read the book Mating In Captivity.
And also think about having couples counselling - certainly you should keep communicating with your DH.
It sounds as you got married too young and have unrealistic expectations; loves does change and the relationship becomes more matured and stable.
Join the discussion
Please login first.