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Not getting divorced

(24 Posts)
Xan404 Mon 02-May-16 22:14:25

Dh and I separated almost a year ago. I didn't like how he treated me so I ended our 17 year marriage

He says he won't agree to divorce after 2 years so I have the choice of "unreasonable behaviour" which might makes things horrible for our children or just waiting out the 5 years

What's the worst that can happen if I wait the 5 years out?

0palfruit Mon 02-May-16 23:28:40

I will be watching this thread. My ex actually left me 2 yrs ago. But doesn't want divorce 😕

babybarrister Tue 03-May-16 09:40:13

please just petition on unreasonable behaviour - the reality is that anything goes - toilet seats up, no intimacy etc etc

no-one has ever SUCCESSFULLY defended a petition in my 23 years of going this job .....!

HeddaGarbled Tue 03-May-16 22:04:08

Divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour will not make things horrible for the children.

Minime85 Tue 03-May-16 22:48:13

Unreasonable behaviour really not hard to do. 4-5 good ish reasons including how long been separated etc Kids don't need to know anything. I've done one that way and DP waiting on absolute for his and he has much less evidence than me.

1234needaname Tue 03-May-16 22:55:46

If he does defend how vigorous is the questioning on the stand. I was beat up physically by him and then again on the stand by his barrister. I am considering an Unreasonable behaviour petition but I am not ready for round three.

HeddaGarbled Wed 04-May-16 00:39:49

By stand do you mean in court? That won't happen with a divorce petition. If the unreasonable behaviour grounds are well written, the judge will approve it without either of you attending court.

Minime85 Wed 04-May-16 06:17:55

You need things that happened in the 6 months before you split up. You word it as you are the petitioner and he is the defendant. No emotion just facts and a couple of dates of specific incidents of there are any. It sound like you have plenty of things. Would be really defend it? Can get lots of info by googling it. I did mine myself.

Potplant Wed 04-May-16 06:29:11

I'm in similar position, but not ready to kick it all off yet.
I could write a book about his unreasonable behaviour! My understanding is that nobody except you, him and the court sees the documents so the DCs or anyone else will ever know what you say. Hadn't realised it was all recent stuff though.

1234needaname Wed 04-May-16 07:33:46

Yes I mean giving evidence in court. It will be a defended petition. I was told I would need to give evidence.

Xan404 Wed 04-May-16 09:07:14

There has been lots of emotional and sexual abuse during our marriage. He will use the children to hurt me if he can.

He is on an abusers programme but insists he doesn't need it as "although some of his behaviour is abusive, he isn't an abuser" and "if I had put appropriate barriers in place he wouldn't have been able to treat me the way he did". He has told his family that due to me ending the relationship, he feels suicidal. They won't talk to me anymore as a result as they know "he isn't an abuser" and I'm horrible for not taking him back despite all of the begging and pleading

He will tell the children how nasty I am being if I go down the route of unreasonable behaviour

5608Carrie Wed 04-May-16 09:58:05

Xan are you getting any support? Have you been to Womens Aid? He can say anything he likes it, it won't make it true but young children are very perceptive they can see the truth.

Pisssssedofff Wed 04-May-16 11:46:14

All I can say is the closure of divorce is wonderful, that feeling of never having to engage with the idiot again is priceless. Nobody is going to put you on a stand and grill you I wouldn't think, if rape victims get to give evidence from behind a screen I don't see why you wouldn't be allowed to, it sounds as though you fall into the same category.

1234needaname Thu 05-May-16 07:16:50

* Nobody is going to put you on a stand and grill you I wouldn't think, if rape victims get to give evidence from behind a screen I don't see why you wouldn't be allowed to*

There are regional variations so please do check with your solicitor.

In Northern Ireland I believe all cases are heard before a high court judge.

Pisssssedofff Thu 05-May-16 11:30:28

Even before a judge in these circumstances I'm sure victim support is available the woman has been sexually abused by him

shoeaddict83 Thu 05-May-16 12:05:46

not sure i get this - hes doesn't have to agree? Petition on 2 year seperation, then if he ignored it, you pay a balif to present them, if he ignores again you have proof he received papers so the courts let you continue with an undefended divorce and he has no say.
if he does return the acknowledgement of service and says he wants to defend he has to somehow prove to the judge that you should stay married. As a PP said this is very rare if not impossible to do!
My DP was worried about his ex defending as she didnt want a divorce despite being separated 3 years due to the 'stigma of it', and as our solicitor told us there are hardly any circumstances where a defended divorce actually wins as no judge will order a couple to stay married when one clearly doesn't want to! it will costs him thousands and for nothing. his ex realised this and accepted the divorce no problem.
Either way you will get the divorce, just serve the papers and go from there. Yes it might take longer if he tries to defend but as soon as he gets a solicitor he'll be told what a waste of time it is.

charlotteholloway Thu 05-May-16 12:53:17

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

juneau Thu 05-May-16 12:54:47

How old are your DC OP?

Xan404 Mon 09-May-16 16:33:43

The DCs range in age from 2 - 17

I was under the impression that DH had to agree to a divorce at the two year mark and if he doesn't I have to wait until the five year mark. Is that not right?

Once the marital home is sold and split, would he have any right to my home if he gambles away his share?

shoeaddict83 Mon 09-May-16 16:41:58

Xan - as i explained upthread no he doesn't have to agree! After 5 years you can divorce without him being involved. At the 2 years mark you have to petition him either on 2 years separation (giving the separation date on papers), adultery, desertion, or unreasonable behaviour, he can either agree, ignore or defend.

Agree - great it goes through!

Ignore - after 2 weeks elapse from sending petition you then pay a bailiff (approx £100) to serve the papers face to face, this is then deemed as proof of service by the court. After 2 weeks if he again ignores you, you can proceed undefended. Otherwise he has to reply either agreeing (then proceeds as above) or he defends.

Defend - he has to defend and PROVE why you should not be divorcing. Ask yourself exactly how you prove to a judge why a woman who is actively petitioning divorce should remain married to you? and what judge would force you to remain in that marriage? As a PP said upthread, in 23 years she has never seen a successfully defended divorce. it will drag it out, cost him thousands, and he'd more than likely be told as soon as he saw a solicitor to not even bother.

So petition him, it'll cost you the £550 court fee but it'll get the ball rolling.

shoeaddict83 Mon 09-May-16 16:42:58

And with regards to the home - you need get finances sorted prior to the absolute going through, You can take the divorce right up to the Nisi being granted but do not apply for the absolute until you have finances/assets/ maintenance etc agreed and in place legally.

Pisssssedofff Mon 09-May-16 16:57:50

I wish I'd known that

babybarrister Tue 10-May-16 10:29:18

just to clarify you cannot petition on separation after 2 years without his consent - it is only at 5 years that you are entitled as of right ...

shoeaddict83 Tue 10-May-16 10:51:04

Yes i wasnt saying you do it without his consent, just saying if he does not send the papers back and you prove they have been served then you can go ahead. East mids divorce unit advised me that if the ex did not respond and the baliff had proof of service then it would proceed as served and he had no right to put a stop to it as he actively ignored the papers

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