I need to admit it's over

(16 Posts)
starrytuppence Sun 01-May-16 15:01:49

I have been married for 12 years now and have 3 children 8, 7 and 5. Neither DH or I have any family by- mine are deceased and his are overseas, so in terms of help and support, I don't have any.
He has always been known for being hot headed, but we have always worked through any problems, mainly for the sake of the kids.
I decided two years ago that I wanted it to be over. I could no longer handle the emotional abuse and went as far as going to a solicitor to take a preventative steps order against him (our youngest was with grandparents in Turkey at the time and I needed reassurance that I would get her back). I felt in control and he spent months begging for us to sort things out. I relented, and we were fine for a while, the odd spat here and there. We had an immense amount of pressure put on us last year when we bought a new house. We spent a lot on fixing things, and unfortunately income was low (we run a coffee shop), so the pressure rose again.
He is always in the frame of mind that my only job is to keep him happy, and he has the rest of the responsibility. He fails to acknowledge that not only do I work 6 days a week, I also have to take care of the children, from getting up in the morning, through to three lots of homework and reading every night, trying to keep them up with where they need to be educationally in school etc. I am not necessarily mentally tired, but I am physically tired, and he fails to see that sometimes I need that release of picking up the phone to my Mum and having a chat, or meeting up etc. I can feel very alone.
His parents arrived to stay with us around 10 days ago. It has been great in the sense that MIL has helped out loads at home so that hasn't been an issue. However, when he is around his parents, he has this nack of belittling me, almost like he is being a spoilt brat around them.
I had worked yesterday and come home to take his mum out for a couple of hours. They arrived home after us and as I opened the door, before I even had chance to open my mouth, he started to mock me saying 'look at the state of you, anyone would think you had worked hard and you're exhausted again'.

That was the start of his rant saying he had had enough of me and wanted it to be over. That he was sick of me being so 'done in' all the time and he deserved to be happy. I then went upstairs and listened to him slating me to his parents for a whole hour, to the point I had to turn the extractor on in the bathroom so I couldn't hear his taunts anymore. I had his mum saying she agreed it should be over, and in that moment, my heart broke when I realised that apart from my kids, I had nobody to protect or defend me. It hurt so much.

I open the coffee shop 6 days whilst he sleeps in until 10am+, but he justifies this by saying he works mentally by seeing how we can take the business forward. In other words, bull. He will call me names and make reference to my past in that my dad was an alcoholic, saying last night that my family had palmed their bitch onto him 

I despise having sex with him because it is all about his satisfaction. Our conversations are made around money and debt and I can't remember the last time he told me he loved me.

I don't want my children to grow up in a house where there is so much anger and hostility, however, I am scared about how I will cope on my own. He has already said he can't look after the kids, and I would be in effect unemployed as I would no longer work in the coffee shop. Whilst I am aware of our money, he has always taken control because I struggle to work out incoming and outgoings and allocating money for things like the overdraft and credit card etc. I am scared I can't cope, but I am more scared that I have realised my marriage is truly over.

NattyGolfJerkin Sun 01-May-16 15:09:20

He sounds like an utter cock. You sound like you are more than capable of running things (you've been doing it all up to now after all, what has he brought to the party?). Without his abuse your self belief will blossom. Free yourself flowers

starrytuppence Sun 01-May-16 15:14:09

You are right. I have known it deep down for a while too.
I think I am more worried about being able to provide for the children.
We have two houses (one was inheritance from my Mum, but both names are on the deeds as we remortgaged). He has said from day one that that house is mine and nothing to do with him, but it's lost equity over the years.
It just feels like all balls are in his court. He doesn't get emotional, he laughed and joked last night with his parents whilst I was a crying mess in my room. I want to provide the best lifestyle for the children, but I am worried I will be a living mess.
They are honestly the only reason I find the strength to carry on sad

starrytuppence Sun 01-May-16 16:05:38

He constantly reminds me that I'll end up on benefits and be nothing or nobody.

I want desperately to prove him wrong. My head is in a constant fog. I know I will
Be happier without him, but I will grieve for the good times we had and the hopes and dreams I once had for the family sad

Pisssssedofff Sun 01-May-16 17:57:06

Don't do it to prove him wrong, do it because it's not bloody true !!!

starrytuppence Sun 01-May-16 18:03:48

Thankyou smile

starrytuppence Sun 01-May-16 18:06:49

I've spent most of the day with my head in the fog again- he went to work this morning and I've had the day off. It's been spent at home with the MIL and my two DDs.

She is trying to be pleasant but I will never ever forget how low I felt last night when they were all talking about me and I had nobody to defend me or tell my side of the story. I will hate him forever for how that felt.
How pitiful that the only thing I had was my late Mum's wig from her losing her hair due to chemo and I sat and cried into that, wishing for anything that it was actually her that I was hugging.

Forget the name calling, to be 'ganged up' on in my own home with nobody on my side has to be the worst thing ever sad

ImperialBlether Sun 01-May-16 18:15:33

I wonder whether your MIL was agreeing it should be over to protect you? If you and she get on well, she surely knows what a tosser her son is, and maybe she thinks you deserve to get away?

Is he really expecting you to accept he lies in bed, asleep, and that's his contribution to the business?

One thing that struck me is that if you went to work for Starbucks or similar, wouldn't you earn more money, if your business is making a loss now? If you worked for them for a while, you could get promoted to manager and be doing the same job, but without his valuable input.

ImperialBlether Sun 01-May-16 18:16:24

Regarding your house, I think you should go to a solicitor and get proper advice regarding that and the business.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum. You must really miss her. flowers

starrytuppence Sun 01-May-16 18:52:40

She has always sided with me in the past, but for her to turn against me in my own home really bl**dy hurt. She came upstairs not long after and told me dinner was ready. I sobbed that I felt hurt and alone and asked her who was going to protect me and my feelings? She didn't say anything but simply said that we both have issues.

I hate him and despise the ground he walks upon. He has just returned home with FIL and our son. He was looking for the spare key for the safe so he could put the takings in. He said to DS 'go and ask it where the key is'. Sums up every last little bit of respect he has if that's how I am referred to in front of the kids.

I am so lonely it physically hurts. I feel trapped. He is it all- his family, the power to come and go as he pleases and he knows that I am stuck because this is the only place I have. I don't have any more tears left to cry. I need to be strong for the kids because I don't want them to remember a crap childhood but if I can't even look after myself, what hope do they have sad

Frogish2 Mon 02-May-16 08:55:42

Go back to your solicitors, get good legal advice and trust in yourself. It will be hard and you will have days where you regret leaving him. Write a list of reasons, then when your havin doubts read it. Being on benefits for a while is nothing to be ashamed of, you'll be surprised how much help you can get. Even if you own a house, if you can prove it's for sale, in negative equity etc. Speak to citizens advice. Good luck. smile

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 02-May-16 09:37:46

I am going on to deal with the business side. The business survives because you get up each morning and graft you know your customers you build relationships without you it will fail. Small business survive by making tiny changes on the suggestions of customers not by big sweeping changes thought of while lying in bed.
You would be snapped up by Starbucks or Costa tomorrow and almost certainly be s manager for them due to your experience. So extremely unlikely to be on benefits. You have a roof over your heads in your Mums old house ( not perfect, but a roof). Your children would not grow up learning that it is okay to treat another human being badly.
You are doing everything without him you would still do the same you just wouldn't have to have sex with someone you despise.

ishouldcocoa Mon 02-May-16 09:47:47

I absolutely echo what Lonecat says.

You have an available roof over your head
You have enviable credentials to run any kind of cafe, coffee shop etc
You have lovely kids

Get thee to a solicitor, and start to make plans to get out. You deserve more.

starrytuppence Mon 02-May-16 10:51:47

You have hit the nail on the head Lonecat.

I need to make a list of what I need to plan and what I can get etc and work from that.

My DS is disabled and so with DLA and CA I have worked out I am entitled to £1800 per month, that is before a wage is added on top.

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 02-May-16 11:08:46

Starry the hard part is done now. You are a strong independent woman - you gave proved that by running the cafe. In a while you will be living a calm life with your children and being yourself not some version your Ex wanted you to be.
I run my own business and my Ex ran a business for someone else, he always claimed he was the successful one thinking of the big ideas guess who is on their uppers having lost their job and had to start again, whilst me? My business has gone from strength to strength now I am not trying to put his 'big ideas' in place.smile

starrytuppence Mon 02-May-16 11:54:24

That is it exactly. I also run my own little craft venture and because I don't make £1000s he mocks it saying I'm wasting my time and that time should be spent on him and the kids.

My kids enjoy me doing it because they get involved too whereas he doesn't like the fact I have something I can call my own.

I am also a certified interpreter so I could find work in that field too.

His Mum has been messaging me this morning with nothing much constructive to say really just that she can see there is no trust or respect between us anymore. I told her that if my dad was alive, no way on this earth would he be allowed to treat me like he does and that's the hurtful thing- the fact I've nobody to fight my corner sad

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