husband has just woken me up to tell me he's leaving(37 Posts)
I just went downstairs to change the baby's nappy (so I wouldn't disturb our 4 year old).
Husband is there, drunk after a night at the pub plus more alcohol at home, stating that he was about to come to bed.
I remarked that he hadn't turned off the Sky TV and tried to do it for him. He then turned on the actual TV set, so I laughed and told him that it was the wrong bit.
Well - he went mad. Called me a fucking cunt and stormed off outside.
I knew that if I argued too much with him that he'd upset the baby and wake our son, so went back to bed.
He's just come up now (I pretended to be asleep so I'd avoid a massive drunken argument'.
He just shook me to wake me up and tell me that he's leaving me tomorrow; that I'm just like my Dad (who is a controlling, nasty person at times) and that he's 'not being treated badly anymore).
I didn't do anything wrong - I feel he's trying to justify his actions of what he's about to do in his head.
I told him that I won't be spoken to in the way he just did and I won't have that behaviour around the children.
I also told him that I won't beg him to stay as I won't be treated in the way he just behaved.
Since our daughter was born, 4 months ago, he's been awful. Really horrible - pretty much from the second she came home. I'm suffering with very bad SPD but he's still making me do all the school runs and take our boy swimming, whilst he works from home and lies in bed until at least 10 every morning.
Where the hell do I go from here?
This is going to break my little boy's heart.
Spandex is right. You poor thing. How on earth have you been managing? It would actually be easier without the deadweight and the drama you now.
It's going to be really hard. The only way I can financially do it is by moving 200 miles away, back to where both our families are. We have no one where we live, so there's nothing to keep me here. Could I do that or would a court stop me? It would be better for the children as they'd have both sets of grandparents nearby, whereas here I'd have to go on benefits and I'd have absolutely no help or support.
I'm really upset but, to be honest, if he does go I think it'd be a bit of a relief as he's been so awful recently. I'm fuming that he's trying to make out that I'm the one at fault. I know I'm snappy but I've just had a baby, I'm shattered and I'm in constant pain. Surely he should be helping me/being loving and attentive, rather than being like this? It's almost like that because life is suddenly not all about him, that he's throwing his toys out of his pram.
Just15minutes - to be honest, I don't really know how I've managed to cope. I've had my mum/his parents down staying with us on and off to help out, as I have days where walking is hard. He's behaved better when they're here but has been nasty under his breath/in quiet corners.
I've not been reacting, at all really, when he's been like this as I'm too tired to deal with arguments, so I think I've been protecting myself.
In some ways he's been good - cooked dinner most nights and done bath/bed routines, but hasn't been very emotionally supportive to me at all. I've been called a shit mother, a waste of space and an idiot on several occasions.
TBH, I wouldn't wait around for a legal opinion, I'd just pack up the children and go to where the support is. It doesn't sound as though there's a speck from 'D'H. I can't see a court ordering you back to a life of benefits and a drunken dad and would he really organize himself as far as court?
I've been called a shit mother, a waste of space and an idiot on several occasions.
A shit mother and waste of space who is carrying the whole show of a baby and 4 year old single handed with SPD? Yes you sound awful He on the other hand sounds a prize.
I'm not sure if I've ever actually typed 'LTB' before but you and the DC really do need rid don't you?
I think he'd fight me, legally. He's a very clever man who does, when he gets up, work very hard from home. It infuriates me, though, that when he doesn't have work coming in (he's freelance), that he'll lie in bed all day. He won't offer to have the baby so I can have a nap. Actually, now I'm really thinking about it - he's not done that once in the four months she's been here. He'll stay in bed until the early afternoon sometimes and I can be pretty much dead on my feet.
But he's not offered. Not once. I'm actually getting angry just thinking about it. I think I'm been in too much of a post natal fog to realise.
I did leave a drunken arse taking a baby and toddler with me BTW, so I'm not just cheerleading without benefit of experience. Life got much better. Not easier exactly - two under five is never easy, but happier.
What are his parents like?
He goes to the pub about 4 times a week. He doesn't go until about 9pm, but he won't see if I'd like him at home. He works from home so it's his way of being around other people. But it's so financially draining and so selfish.
His parents are lovely. But I think he'll be able to persuade them that I'm a bitch, as he's they're little golden boy. But, then again, they've seen him when he's drunk and they aren't happy with how much he drinks. To be honest, I've protected them a lot from what he can be like.
4 times a week with a new baby in the house is seriously OTT.
I'm so sorry that sounds dreadful. I also had a baby 4 months ago, and feeding her now and listening to my DP snoring (bless him), I can't imagine someone behaving so badly.
I think I would also pack up and go. I presume he'll be sleeping it off tomorrow morning so that might be a good opportunity to pack a quiet bag and take the children?
Time to stop shielding him at the very least?
Yes. Yes it is. But he won't listen. I don't think I'm going to stop him if he does go tomorrow. I love him, but this isn't healthy. I'm just terrified about how the hell I'll make this all work.
If I took them, what would happen regarding school? I can't just up and leave mid-term to go miles away? That would be very unsettling for my son. If this had been a year ago, he'd still be in nursery so it'd be simpler.
Loving a drinker never really gets you very far. It certainly never saves them from their worst behaviour.
As far as schools go, I'd maybe look at it like ripping a plaster off quickly. This marriage sounds doomed from your description. It doesn't even sound debatable. If that is accurate, then it's really a question of when the end will come and where you live afterwards. If you really think you'll have to move, then a school move will be on the cards at some point. Do you see any hope for the relationship? Sometimes it helps to get really analytical.
Your H sounds awful. Lazy and unsupportive, rude and nasty. Does he realise how far he has pushed you and how much he has got to lose if you move away? Perhaps he thinks you are trapped in the situation and have no options so just have to take it.
I would give him the chance to redeem himself- better behaviour, no nastiness and counselling for him/both of you would be a start. If he isn't interested then there's your answer and you wouldn't have to feel guilty at moving away.
Regarding the moving- there is never a good time. Best to just get on with it.
Don't talk yourself out of it. There are practical difficulties, yes. However, there are huge difficulties right now that re deliberately inflicted on you by someone who should be your best friend.
Your DS is young. It may seem like a big upheaval, but moving when your DCs is young is much easier than (1) trying to go it alone far from your support, (2) trying to create a healthy and happy family life or even trying to keep all the balls in the air with a heckler and an entitled drunk for a partner, and (3) moving when they are older and have established friends and settled well in school.
He isn't likely to go anywhere. He is just making threats to establish who has all the power in your home . He clearly thinks you have no options but to stay and get dumped on by him.
So make plans, sort out a school for your DS, see a solicitor and call Women's Aid (0808 2000 247) to get some counselling for yourself and some moral support and possibly a referral to a solicitor.
It's so sad, as he can be a really lovely man. But his recent behaviour, plus how he is after alcohol, isn't good. I think he's depressed, but he's not listening to me at all. However, he's always been a drinker and I don't see that improving.
I'm going to try to sleep before the baby wakes up. Thank you for everything tonight xxxxx
He's not acting like a lovely man - the opposite. Make plans to leave when you can.
If he's leaving, do you need to? Can you stay where you are, at least for now? For sure he's going to have to pay child support, and also maintenance for you, and the children's need for a secure home comes first.
What a selfish drunk twat!
Wake him now while he's mid hangover and tell him to leave before children get up!
Hopefully by then he'll realise what an idiot he's been
Oh course he is depressed. Alcohol is a depressant, but only he could change himself.
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