I have been married for just under 5 years to a man who is not a bad person but can be quite controlling. When I first moved in with him 8 years ago he told me to cancel my credit cards and go on his one. I did this and as soon as I started to spend like I normally did he analysed everything I bought every month. (I'm not a big spender at all) he would say ooo spent a lot on chocolate this month or don't forget you bought clothes last month so you shouldn't need any new ones this month. Anyway fast forward a few years and he's changed all my passwords to my email accounts without telling me and then we marry and have a joint account that he set up but I have no access to. I kept my own current account and kept my salary going into that. I was too scared to spend my salary and every month he would ask me the balance to check I hadn't spent anything because I was expected to only use his credit card if I bought anything (again I have no access to information on what is spent on this only he has access to the account). So anyway... Eventually we had a child and when I was on maternity leave he picked on me for every penny I spent including telling me off for spending £4 on a jacket potato (I live in an expensive area so this was cheap and in a church cafe!) I tried to stop going out eventually and then after 8 months maternity leave I went back to work full time so he couldn't tell me off anymore. After 2 years trying to juggle a stressful long hours job and a toddler and never spending a penny of my salary, I had a breakdown and quit my job. I am now completely dependent on him. I asked him for an allowance as it is never clear if I am allowed to spend anything. He has stopped analysing what I spend as much but I think that's because I'm too scared to spend anything. I asked for £100 a month and he said he will not give me an allowance but if I need to spend money then I should but I should be careful not to waste it.
Anyway he earns good money (£5k pm minimum with £1.2k mortgage and no other outgoings other than usual bills) and we never spend all of it. My entire salary for years is in a savings account and I earned good money too. I feel now that I've had enough. He controls me in things like we need a new car but I'm not allowed to choose what we get only he can. I have to go bed when he tells me or he constantly pesters me about when I'm going to bed. He even puts my toothpaste on my toothbrush so I brush my teeth at the same time! I feel like I'm ready to leave. I just want to escape from this. The only problem is I have no friends or family to help me and I did go to see a solicitor and we worked out I would get about £120k of we split everything 50:50 before solicitor fees but in my area average 2bed flat is £300k and renting would deplete any funds for a chance to buy again as rent is very high especially as id have to get a job as well. I don't know if I'm being ridiculous and I can sort things out at home. If it wasn't for money I would leave tomorrow. I am so unhappy but too scared to do anything but being paralysed with fear is just making things worse and I think he knows I am in a weak position to do anything. Every day this eats me up, will I make my daughter suffer. Should I suffer through this for my daughters sake. I just want to get out especially now he's now asking me to put all my money in the joint account giving me no access to money he can't see what I'm spending it on (so he can analyse everything I spend again). Feel so alone. Has anyone managed to divorce and come out ok despite having not much support elsewhere?
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Divorce/separation
not sure what to do
10 replies
donewiththis · 28/04/2016 12:56
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