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not sure what to do

(11 Posts)
donewiththis Thu 28-Apr-16 12:56:13

I have been married for just under 5 years to a man who is not a bad person but can be quite controlling. When I first moved in with him 8 years ago he told me to cancel my credit cards and go on his one. I did this and as soon as I started to spend like I normally did he analysed everything I bought every month. (I'm not a big spender at all) he would say ooo spent a lot on chocolate this month or don't forget you bought clothes last month so you shouldn't need any new ones this month. Anyway fast forward a few years and he's changed all my passwords to my email accounts without telling me and then we marry and have a joint account that he set up but I have no access to. I kept my own current account and kept my salary going into that. I was too scared to spend my salary and every month he would ask me the balance to check I hadn't spent anything because I was expected to only use his credit card if I bought anything (again I have no access to information on what is spent on this only he has access to the account). So anyway... Eventually we had a child and when I was on maternity leave he picked on me for every penny I spent including telling me off for spending £4 on a jacket potato (I live in an expensive area so this was cheap and in a church cafe!) I tried to stop going out eventually and then after 8 months maternity leave I went back to work full time so he couldn't tell me off anymore. After 2 years trying to juggle a stressful long hours job and a toddler and never spending a penny of my salary, I had a breakdown and quit my job. I am now completely dependent on him. I asked him for an allowance as it is never clear if I am allowed to spend anything. He has stopped analysing what I spend as much but I think that's because I'm too scared to spend anything. I asked for £100 a month and he said he will not give me an allowance but if I need to spend money then I should but I should be careful not to waste it.
Anyway he earns good money (£5k pm minimum with £1.2k mortgage and no other outgoings other than usual bills) and we never spend all of it. My entire salary for years is in a savings account and I earned good money too. I feel now that I've had enough. He controls me in things like we need a new car but I'm not allowed to choose what we get only he can. I have to go bed when he tells me or he constantly pesters me about when I'm going to bed. He even puts my toothpaste on my toothbrush so I brush my teeth at the same time! I feel like I'm ready to leave. I just want to escape from this. The only problem is I have no friends or family to help me and I did go to see a solicitor and we worked out I would get about £120k of we split everything 50:50 before solicitor fees but in my area average 2bed flat is £300k and renting would deplete any funds for a chance to buy again as rent is very high especially as id have to get a job as well. I don't know if I'm being ridiculous and I can sort things out at home. If it wasn't for money I would leave tomorrow. I am so unhappy but too scared to do anything but being paralysed with fear is just making things worse and I think he knows I am in a weak position to do anything. Every day this eats me up, will I make my daughter suffer. Should I suffer through this for my daughters sake. I just want to get out especially now he's now asking me to put all my money in the joint account giving me no access to money he can't see what I'm spending it on (so he can analyse everything I spend again). Feel so alone. Has anyone managed to divorce and come out ok despite having not much support elsewhere?

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missybct Thu 28-Apr-16 13:05:04

Could not read and run - this man is abusing you OP. He's stripping you of your independence so you are entirely reliant on him, so you won't leave him.

You NEED to leave. I've not been in your situation, many very wise and helpful MN members have - please listen to them. Your husband is NOT a nice man, he's made you believe this behaviour is acceptable - it most certainly is NOT.

Your daughter will suffer if YOU continue to suffer - and it may send her a very destructive message that men like your husband are worthy partners, thus setting in place your daughters potential to be with abusive, controlling partners.

missybct Thu 28-Apr-16 13:06:14

Also OP, it may be worth posting this in the Relationships forum too, which gets more traffic.

Much love to you flowers

RandomMess Thu 28-Apr-16 13:11:37

Majorly financially abusive, you may qualify for legal aid, you may have the right to be awarded more than 50:50 as it's not usually a straight split when a child needs to be housed.

Speak to WA about getting a solicitor experienced in abuse cases.

donewiththis Thu 28-Apr-16 13:58:12

Thanks. I have thought this is not nice. Yesterday I said to him I'd had enough and he just said he doesn't analyse what I spend anymore. He has said that he wants me to out all my savings in a new current account because apparently we will get £50 a month if we open this account up. I told him to use his savings as he has enough but he said no he pays high rate tax whereas unemployed me pays none on this £50 interest. I then said well transfer the money to me and I will open it then. I am seriously considering divorce so do not want my savings to leave my account in case he cuts me off financially which I see happening. I am just so scared and don't know how to take he first step to sorting this out as just keep crying which I know is useless.

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LeaLeander Thu 28-Apr-16 14:02:07

If this is for real...

You are willing to have your child raised by this obscene excuse for a man rather than split & chance not being able to buy a house in future? The mind truly reels.

donewiththis Thu 28-Apr-16 14:11:42

Yes this is for real. Unfortunately I have kept everything to myself and pretended it's ok and even had a child with him which in hindsight was so stupid. However now I have to get on. I have been to my local citizens advice and they managed to muck up the benefits form so I am still none the wiser as to what I can get. I have never claimed anything so i am scared I will get nothing. I want to apply for a new job but have lost all confidence after 6 months not in work. I think maybe phoning women's aid is a good idea I just need to muster the courage up. I wish it was easy enough for me to say I'm a twit for letting this happen but things are so intertwined with him and he is so clever I am scared that if I try to leave he will fight me. My solicitor said that I will most likely get 50:50 as he will need a two bed place to house daughter as would I. I cannot keep home because is considered too big for two of us ie 4 bed. I have no family or friends and would have to set up somewhere to live asap if we sold house. My fears are keeping me here but after 8 years I need to go. I do not want to put his job at risk by accusing him of emotional abuse but at the same time I just need to get out and came here maybe to be told what I already know sad

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donewiththis Thu 28-Apr-16 14:18:26

I have now reposted in relationships. Thanks for the replies X

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ThinkPinkStink Thu 28-Apr-16 14:20:42

I couldn't just read and run, as pps have said: though this might feel normal to you now, it really isn't normal at all, and you deserve better.

Please contact Women's Aid for their advice: I've never been in your situation, but sometimes it takes a fresh pair of eyes to bring to the fore how badly you are being treated.


Laura812 Thu 28-Apr-16 15:22:54

It is certanily not normal although plenty of couples are both very careful with every penny, which isn't necessarily wrong of course. He sounds unacceptable for most people. If you liked how he was that woudl be fine but it doesn't sound great to me.

The biggesti ssue is that you don't work. That probably pleases him as it gives him much more control. I think you said you had had to give up work. Why not make your first step finding a full time job?

Also if you divorce then both of your savings are pooled in deciding how much capital the family has before any split so don't assume your previous wages savings are somehow separate and he might not get his hands on them but do keep them in an account in your name for now.
I was able to keep our 5 bed as I earn 10x my ex so could take on a massive over £1m mortgage to buy him out - he got more than half our assets BUT my case is very very unusual. However the advice was the same - 5 bed too large to be allowed to keep (unless one person can buy the other out). So I agree with your lawyer that a house sale is very likely to be ordered or agreed between you or your husband keeps the house and buys you out of your share if he can take on a much bigger mortgage.

If you have £120k that is a massive deposit so you're a lot better off than most people in trying to buy a 1 or 2 bed flat. even if they cost £300k that menas you'd need a mortgage of £120k so woudl need a wage of abotu £30k - which you might well get if you went back to full time work. Coudl one of your parents guarantee a mortgage for you as better than renting?

donewiththis Thu 28-Apr-16 15:32:00

I phoned womensaid and left a message as they didn't answer... £120k is everything on the table from both sides including house equity with reasonable sale value (we actually had an offer on our house last year but then didn't sell as couldn't find a better property for the money) and all cash in bank that I know of.
I have told him in unhappy and I think that's why he wants me to move my savings so that if I try anything he will be able to control me completely. I still get asked my balance and I have refused to get internet banking because every month he stands over me while I phone the bank to ask the balance and he would definitely demand my internet password if I had one. I also found a PIN number in his drawers belonging to a card in my name that I have never seen and it was opened. When I asked him about it he said I must have forgotten that I opened it ages ago (something he said when he changed my email passwords of ten years and told me I must have forgotten we did it together which we most definitely did not and ironically he changed it to his name!!) I suppose I need to get up and do something. I am scared but it's not going to change anything sitting here doing nothing.

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