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Aibu re child contact?

(3 Posts)
Sammysamread34 Fri 22-Apr-16 11:13:44

Obviously there's quite a bit of history (isn't there always? !), I shall try and keep it short and to the point. ..
My stbx and I have 2ds aged 8 and 9, and 1 dd aged 2.5. We separated 2 years ago with the vain hope that he would seek the appropriate help (had been under a mental health team for 2 years at this point and still unable to get out of bed at all most days and sometimes for several days at a time) and stop being abusive. Police had been called a couple of times and I'd had to stay at friends with kids a few times as things got so bad. I was told, on one such occasion, by think family...that due to his behaviour, if I returned with him still there certain safeguarding would be put into place. So with persuading, he went to his mum's. I had to sell the house before we were repossessed and try to find rented...I had to go onto benefits as I couldn't go to work with my lo.

Fast forward to today...he's had a non molestation order put on him to keep away from me as during the last year was harassing me, following me to friends etc...he even came to mine after taking an overdose of drugs that weren't even his! He have been to court to sort contact (mediation didn't work...he even told the woman there that he would rather the kids be in care than with me!). The kids don't know alot of what's happened...obviously he is still their dad and I didn't want them to get caught up in an awful slagging match so have done well to keep it from them....so it was arranged that they spend every other wkend at his (collects from school/nursery Friday and I collect Sunday afternoon). Also half the holidays. Which is amazing because I've never had an overnight break from all 3 before!

Right.....the tricky part. I'm still on benefits, as dd has just started a bit of nursery so still cannot work yet...hopefully within the next month I can get back to it! He is still claiming esa. Last year I contacted CMS about some maintenance...due to his benefits I'm entitled to £7 per wk for all 3. Crazy right? Anyway...needless to say, he's not paid a penny of it. I have chased, but they can't contact him. Fine. So I call them to let them know that he now has them (for the equivalent of one day a wk) and no has to pay £0. Ok, so I wasn't getting anything anyway. I resign myself to the fact he won't help me feed or clothe our kids.
Since having contact with them staying at his though....he is making me supply everything. Now, they're my kids so when he says I have no clothes for them or shoes or pj's etc u need to bring them with them...I do. But I have been explaining to him that I simply cannot keep doing this. Firstly, they have a bare minimum of clothes....as I don't have the money. Secondly, he has been keeping some of the stuff which makes me short the whole time they're with me until the alternate wkend. Also when he does return some clothes with them, they're all still dirty and spend the rest of that evening washing all the stuff I have lent him so they have clothes!
He is kicking off because I've said he needs to get some cheap clothes etc to keep at his because I can't keep doing it. I don't have the money to leave stuff at his or the energy to wash 3 loads when they come home. He says I'm doing it to get back at him and I don't care about my kids? How can I do this to them, they will see that I'm sending them with no clothes and they'll think I don't care etc etc. Wtf? Wouldn't it be better for them to have a couple of bits at his anyway? So they aren't lugging stuff back and forth and it feels more like home when they're there? My stbx has literally given me £20 over 2 yrs to help buy shoes....once.
Do people give half the kids clothes to the ex partner whom the kids r staying with every other wkend?

Sorry....not very short in the end. I'm just starting to doubt myself and my own sanity. ...wwud and aibu??

thisusernameisnotavailable Fri 22-Apr-16 23:10:46

I always sent my kids with a bag of clothes that came back to me at the end of the visit

Can't see why you can't even if clothes are in short supply. They'd be wearing them if they were with you all weekend

OurBlanche Sat 23-Apr-16 09:37:28

I can see why you can't - you said so... you can't afford it, he is unreliable in sending the clothes back and they are dirty when he does. Add to that he should be providing everything they need when they are with him, just as you do when they are with you.

But you know he won't change. You'll have to find a way of not letting his prattishness annoy you! Maybe a little sucksack each, with a change of clothes, that they can pack (like grown ups smile) to take and bring back?

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