SAHM petrified of what separating will bring

(9 Posts)
nowayjose1 Tue 12-Apr-16 21:48:03

Hi, just wanted to hear from anyone who has been through similar or any words of advice.

Have been married to DH for 7 years. 2 kids aged 6 and 4. I want to separate. We have had counselling, joint and separate and I'm 100% sure of my decision. I have felt like this for a long time and have been miserable for what feels like forever.

Anyway, I have been out of the workplace since I had my son 6 years ago so I'm petrified of how I will survive if we separate. I just feel like I have no skills anymore! I've applied to do an access course in September when my youngest starts school as I would like to study midwifery. I can't go back to my old job as it's changed so much and not really family friendly!

I guess I just want to hear from other stay at home mums who have separated and made it work! I just imagine seperating then having absolutely nothing and struggling to survive!

Thanks for listening to me waffle! X

Vonnie2016 Wed 13-Apr-16 16:27:04

Pretty much exactly the same as my situation, except I was the one who was left and was caught off guard.
Gave up work when 6 year old was born and my youngest is 3.
I ended up claiming income support/ tax credits etc, while I sort out going back to work, same re old job not suitable or flexible enough having children.
I have enough to get by at the moment and with help etc with child care I am hoping to go back very soon, have my first job interview in 12 years on Friday! ! Eek!
So, it can be done.
I felt dreadful having to claim benefits but I saw it as it was put in place for people like me to help bridge the gap after such a long career break.
It was a difficult few months as took a long time to get any money coming through, but a year on. We cope, we aren't rolling in it but can pay bills and am looking forward to starting work again.
If you feel this split is what you want then you can manage. It is hard doing it alone, but I guess better than being unhappy.

Vonnie2016 Wed 13-Apr-16 16:33:54

Oh and check out website entitledto

iloveredwine Wed 13-Apr-16 17:26:18

Have you thought about becoming a childminder while you give yourself some time and will be an income at the same time?

nowayjose1 Wed 13-Apr-16 20:11:20

Thanks for the replies!

Good luck for your interview on Friday!!! I think I just need to bite the bullet and do it. Yes it will be hard at first but we can do it!

I have thought about childminding but not sure it's for me, I can just about cope with my own 😂. Would be a perfect idea though.

ForgivenNotForgotten Wed 13-Apr-16 20:21:29

It's worked for me. Like Vonnie, I hate claiming benefits, but have needed to accept that they are put in place for folk who have no other option.

I feel safe, my abusive husband can't touch me now, my kids are healing slowly, and so am I. The benefits are a short term solution, but they are just about enough if you are extremely careful, and don't stay on them too long (e g you will get into trouble when your shoes wear out and your washing machine packs up).

Don't let fear hold you back. I don't know your situation, but in my case I had to decide that the kids came first, and I couldn't put up with a dreadful situation for their sake any longer.

I am a childminder, but had my registration taken away because of the domestic violence incident (before that, was "just" emotional abuse that nobody knew about, so I felt really trapped because emotional abuse wasn't even technically a crime back then).

Childminding is a good way forward if you have the skills and the patience. There are rules that say only a third of your gross income is taken into account before it starts to affect your benefits - of course, this is before all the costs of craft equipment, other activities; toys, extra heating etc, but it is still a good thing compared to being a checkout assistant in asda, and you also have the comfort of knowing you are helping other hard pressed families with their childcare.

Good luck to you. Hope it all works out.

Fidelia Thu 14-Apr-16 06:11:12

You can do it. Benefits will give you breathing space, plus you'll get child maintenance from the dad.

On a side note, I'm not sure that midwifery is family friendly, unless you have relatives who can and will take the children regularly for overnights, or can afford an au pair. My mum was a midwife and had to work all kinds of shifts.

nowayjose1 Thu 14-Apr-16 16:40:39

Thanks everyone, some great advice there. Yes I keep hearing the same about Midwifery hmm will do the access course then see if maybe something else appear to me .

I think I'm just scared of taking the kids away from their privileged life to who knows what! But I think a happy mum is more important. I feel such calmer chilled person when it's just the three of us. My husband is a really lovely guy and amazing Dad. We are just chalk and cheese though. He makes me out to be crazy for wanting to leave, saying grass isn't greener etc, but I know that! Infact the grass is going to be pretty shitty over there I'm not stupid!

Just need to be brave and do it. No way do I want to be sitting here in 20 years tine thinking exactly the same!

writingonthewall Sun 17-Apr-16 16:49:47

Midwifery is deeply family unfriendly. Have you really got the luxury of studying for three years?

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