This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Where to start(27 Posts)
I've been married 14 years. 3 kids. Been miserable for last 8. He moans all the time. We never talk, only argue. He never touches me so not even a kiss for 8 years. Not had sex since conceived youngest child. We shout at each other and then I give in and do everything he expects me to do. Which is pretty much all the jobs round the house inc decorating, gardening, housework. I work 3 days a week, bring a stack of work home with me and he just watched TV and goes to work. He does bugger all to help me and kids. I've had enough. I don't love him, haven't done for ages. Don't even like him most of the time. Got my initial meeting with solicitor next Thursday. Really scared. All my family live him and will take his side. He will go mad. I haven't told him yet, don't know how to. Really tempted to just let him get divorce papers in post. Not sure what solicitor will say. Can't afford to pay her either. Anyone been through similar?
Anybody? Please, I would really like some advice before I see my solicitor on Thursday.
Added this to my watch list so I can reply later.
You deserve to be happy. Might be difficult getting to that point but you will.
Gather together financial info and have a point of view on how you are going to live when divorced and what arrangements you want for the children. Ask around about local mediators. be fair, pluck up courage and tell him it's over.
Thanks. I will tell him after my meeting with solicitor when I will hopefully know what I'm talking about. He will be so mad! Anyway I want to move out asap. I don't want to stay in fan home as it's still got a lot of work to do it and a massive garden with chickens etc. I don't want the hassle anymore. The lazy bastard can do it. I want a nice little 3 bed semi in the town where my oldest is at secondary school. Closer to my work and easier for kids as they get older. My problem is as a supply teacher I don't get paid in the holidays. I can manage financially in term time as I will get child tax credit and working tax credit and child benefit. Currently he gets the child benefit and keeps tight reign on finances. I want him to pay my solicitor fees, deposit and first months rent on house and some money in school hols. I don't think this is unreasonable. I know I will prob have to get a contracted teaching post at some point to become financially independent but I am stressed enough at the moment without applying for jobs. This is all new to me and none of my friends are divorced either.
Good luck with it. Most lawyers would advise you to stay in the family home so perhaps do not rush to move out as even if it should be sold you probably will be better off financially if it is sold and the proceeds are split rather than if he stays in it and you move out. Also it might mean he is more likely to get the children rather than you if you move out.
Also if you move out you will probably have to rent unless you go back to full time work and can raise a mortgage, rather than being a home owner. Anyway see what your solicitor says.
Make sure you know exactly what savings you each have. Get copies of his P60s and tax returns and pension details too. Make sure you have originals of things like your birth and marriage certificates. DO you own the current house in joint names?
Also do read this which someone kindly posted on MN recently
Yes I have read that, thanks.
I don't want the house, he can keep it, in his name solely anyway.
I am happy to rent.
I am not moving out until divorce comes through.
Just want to get on with it.
Things are going to get ugly!
I am happy for kids to decide where they want to live, they are all old enough now.
I want it to be as pain free as possible therefore I am trying to be reasonable.
However my solicitor may have other ideas!
And he will erupt like a volcano when I tell him.
woah a minute here! You know the starting point is 50:50 split of all marital assets - the house might be in his name but when you are married every asset is jointly held, so that includes house equity even if it's in his name, pensions, savings, cars, the whole lot. A judge won't rubber stamp a grossly unfair split and it wouldn't be fair on the children.
Ok. I don't want him to have to sell the house. The kids may even decide to stay there with him.
We have NO savings.
We have 2 cars so I assumed we would just keep the one we drive.
He is repaying depts from credit cards to dept management company. I really don't want to be saddled with half that. Although luckily he only has £1500 left to pay.
Over the years I have had various birthday and Christmas presents from husband. Eg: kenwood chef, tassimo, CD player, steam iron. Am I right in thinking I can keep these?
Errr..yeah. If they are yours, why would you think you can't keep them.
OP, it sounds like you would benefit from some financial advice. You'll tie yourself up in knots making your own plans or assumptions.
I guess I will know more after Thurs. it's just the more I think about it the more there is to sort out.
Yes, of course. I understand. Write it all down. Thoughts, questions, things you might think your solicitor will want to know.
My cheery divorce document is now 33 pages long.
Does he have a pension you may want a share of?
If you have teenagers the bottom line is they are likely tos tay with him if he gets the house so you may lose your children. Just bear that in mind. Teenagers aer often connected to a place and their bedrooms rather than a person.
Yes work pension.
Kids are nearly 8, 10 and 12.
I think they will do weekends with their dad and during the week with me with sch hols 50/50. Up to them though really. As long as they're happy.
Often the pension is the most valuable asset, even above a house in terms of famly capital so you might well want a pension sharing order so that when he turns 67 or whenever he can draw it you get your share.
Saw the solicitor today. £550 for court fees. Plus £250 deposit towards solicitor fees if I use them. Payment of rest of fees on completion. Not a prob as I should get around £50k from divorce settlement. Anyway I have no money as I'm a supply teacher and only get paid when I work. Sch hols = no money. Had a car crash last sat so off sick now too. Couldn't think of any way of getting £550 together so I've got a 0% credit card coming (never had one before). Will get tax rebate through soon and will get comp for injuries and loss of earnings re car crash at some point. My question is: can I do this without paying a solicitor? I've got a good friend who's a solicitor (child protection) however she has done divorce before. She said she'll help fill forms in. Is this possible?
I have recently self represented which included court hearings for financial settlement. It's not so bad and will save a fortune in legal fees.
Take every opportunity of free solicitor half hours - not all do offer them so check first. Write down all you want to ask and the answers - sounds daft but it's difficult at first to take it all in.
Wikivorce has lots of resources and a good forum.
You could try mediation, if things turn difficult and you need to apply to court for a resolution you will need to show that you have tried it at least.
Hopefully he will be feeling the same as you do about the marriage and you can divorce amicably, even if he erupts initially.
If you don't want your dh to sell the house and you have no savings how are you getting £50k from divorce settlement?
Your dh might want to sell the house anyway, even if you don't. Surely it depends who has the kids living with them for the most time?
Value of house - mortgage = roughly £100k. If everything 50/50 that's £50k. Up to him if he stays or sells. I'm going Asap. Not sure what kids will do although I think they will prob want to come with me.
Sweetheart, I understand you just want to get out but I think you are being foolish beyond belief about the finances.
The children will probably come with you. You have no income. You are legally and ethically entitled to more than 50% of the value of the house.
Project yourself forward 10 years. The children have left home so you aren't getting any maintenance. You are living in a rented dump on a low income and will have to work to the age of 68 or whatever it's going to be now to feed yourself. You haven't had a holiday or meal out or nice clothes in 10 years.
Your ex is still living in what was your family home. He has taken the children on holiday every year, bought them expensive presents, runs a nice car, is looking forward to a very nice retirement.
You say you are trying to be reasonable. This isn't being reasonable. This is lying down in the mud and saying walk all over me why don't you.
Thank you Hedda. Someone asked how I would come out with £50k. I think this will be a minimum I'll come out with. I had my free half hour consultation with a solicitor yesterday. Now I feel in a much stronger position. I stayed home for 14 years with 3 kids whilst he has always. I do everything in the house and garden. But the house still needs a lot doing to it. Plus the massive garden. I don't want it. It's up to him what he does with it. He could remortgage to pay me off. I will also be entitled to some of his pension. I do have an income as a supply teacher just not in sch hols. And not while I'm off sick. Although I should be back next week.
I understand you want to go asap but slow down. It's a long game and you need to do it properly. I felt like you and do the same job so I understand but remember we are coming up to summer so you can time things eg moving out. You need to talk to your husband, allow him to digest and then talk to the children.... knob jockey or not.
Please login first.