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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

How old were DC before they did 50:50 over the holidays?

11 replies

Homely1 · 06/04/2016 21:10

I feel my DC is too young ... How old were yours? Thank you.

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creativevoid · 08/04/2016 21:06

Three and five - when we split up.

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Homely1 · 08/04/2016 22:41

What is your childcare arrangement?

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CardiffUniversityNetballTeam · 08/04/2016 22:59

We have done 50:50 at all times since we split up, which includes holidays. Although we try to be flexible to each other's needs. For example, today is my day but ex wanted to take DS to the fair, so he did.
This has been the way it has worked since we split, when DS was 6.
How old are your DC?

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Homely1 · 09/04/2016 06:43

DC is 3.

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CardiffUniversityNetballTeam · 09/04/2016 11:07

What are your ex's thoughts? And what are your current arrangements? Does DC enjoy the time he/she spends with her dad at the moment?
50:50 works well for us, but it obviously depends a lot on how much of a change it would be from your existing set-up.

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honeyandmarmitesandwiches · 09/04/2016 19:25

As your DC is only three, I'm guessing he's not in school yet? Does he start in September this year or following year? I'm just thinking that prior to that you and your ex could just arrange to take time off here and there and alternate having your DC. My son is the same age and I'm not keen on him being away from me for more than a few days at a time, I'm not sure he's ready yet but in another year or so he probably will be. So until then my ex and I are going to try to do shorter more frequent stays during holiday times. Is your ex fairly reasonable about things, so if you explained it was about wanting to make things easier on DC not denying him his time he might understand? Especially if you say you'd be open to gradually changing it as DC get older - in six months, a year etc the situation could be different but as his mum you just want to be allowed to make a judgement on that (I'm assuming you're the main carer here). Hope that helps.

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Homely1 · 10/04/2016 00:58

Thank you. I am the main carer and DC is in nursery. Would start school following year. Ex is manipulative, does not put DC first and not reasonable. How do you get your head around being away?

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CardiffUniversityNetballTeam · 10/04/2016 13:56

I found the first month or so particularly hard. I took up some new hobbies and re-connected with old friends and made new ones to take my mind off it.
However, although he was a terrible partner, my ex has always been a good dad, on the whole. DS has always been happy to go to his dad's. Things might have been very different had I had any concerns about his wellbeing while he was with his father.
Only having DS with me 4 nights a week has taught me a lot about what family and parenting really means, about how being a good mother can look very different depending on the lens you are looking through.

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honeyandmarmitesandwiches · 10/04/2016 21:44

Agree with PP that it would be really hard if I was worried about DS' welfare when with his dad. I would also find it hard for DS to be gone for more than 1 - 2 nights at a time, on a regular basis and I think the younger the child is the more shorter, more frequent visits benefits their well being as three days can be a long time.

Ex and I communicate a little by text sometimes sending a picture, we also do a quick goodnight call. Other than that it's just really good to focus your mind on making the most of being with your DC when you're with them, and line up things to do when apart so you're looking after yourself and hopefully, having some well deserved fun as well .

When you say your ex doesn't put your DC first are you talking about being a bit flaky or things that are more serious?

If you're worried about DC's wellbeing when with their dad then you need to be a bit of a tiger mum and make it very clear what the deal is. Bur if you think that basically your ex will take good care of your DC though, then you probably just need to accept that it's 'good enough' and see the positives in the situation. Your DC get to have a relationship with their Dad and you get time to do all the things you've been wanting to do.

Can't really advise about the manipulation thing other than to say stay calm, be really clear and just stand your ground on the big stuff and don't let him use the small stuff to get under your skin. Imagine you've got an anti bullshit forcefield and it all just bounces off you...the bonus is he will probably find it maddening

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honeyandmarmitesandwiches · 10/04/2016 21:48

Also if you've always been the main carer, you hold a lot of the cards - obviously you can't deny contact and wouldn't want to but your ex can't just demand things willy nilly. It's about what's best for DC (within the context of making sure he or she has a relationship with their dad and accommodating that as much as possible).

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Homely1 · 10/04/2016 22:25

Thank you so much. I like the antibullshit forcefield. He's not bothered in the past. He's obsessed by his family and does everything they say. He would just dump DC from house to house. He does not know what DC likes or what to do with DC. DC is very unsettled before and after seeing him.