Apologies for the epic post. I'm new to the forum and unfortunately in rather sad circumstances. My wife and I are getting divorced and are planning to tell our children this weekend. I am struggling with the balance of honesty and protection.
After being together for 14 years, happily married for 10 and having 2 boys aged 8 and 8 years life seemed great. We are both professionals, working full time and have busy lives but did a good job of juggling work and family life. At weekends the four of us would spend quality family time together: great days out and wonderful family holidays. In retrospect this family time came at the cost of time together as a couple, but I knew many of our friends in similar circumstances: I assumed that was what happened with young children.
In the past 2 years my wife's career has taken off, resulting in more time away from home. Fortunately my job is local and more flexible so I have been able to take on more of the day to day routine with the children.
4 weeks ago, out of the blue, my wife told me she wasn't happy and felt our relationship had become platonic- the four of us had taken over the two of us. She could not see a future together. This came as a complete shock to me: I was blissfully happy. I agreed that certain aspects of our relationship would benefit from more effort, but as she said 90% of our life together was perfect and we are best friends and soul mates I felt we should try and work on things rather than give up: especially for the sake of the children who have never seen us row or fight (we never did) and would be devastated.
She denied any third party involvement and cited several reasons ("not me but her", lack of strong bond with the children compared to me, different ambitions aspirations etc.) none of which made real sense.
To cut a long story slightly shorter, I soon discovered she had started an affair with a work colleague- she finally admitted but said it was not serious and was symptom rather than cause. Even at this point I told her how much damage it would cause for the boys and for us to seek council long and explore every avenue to find a resolution. Sadly she has refused, she has continued the affair (which is obviously a greater factor than she admits). As such we are preceding with divorce.
We have managed to continue a normal family life in front of the children up to now, with days out together over Easter. I was keen not to ruin Easter for them. We plan on telling our 8 and 6 year old boys this weekend. My wife's suggestion is to say we haven't been getting on but as we had alway got on perfectly well and the children know this I don't feel this is believable or fair. It has been a completely unilateral decision on the part of my wife who does not want to stay with me, and as such I feel that should be explained (obviously reassuring that it does not effect her relationship with them.) some research also suggested mentioning that Mummy has met someone else, although I don't think she'll be happy with that and worry it will cause further distress.
Essentially I know that the boys are old enough to understand aspects and ask questions. As they get older and ask questions I will tell them the truth- I don't want to start lying and digging holes. I also don't feel I should be held responsible for the huge upheaval they will experience as a result of this. I have tried everything to fix things- my wife has had a more exciting offer and given up.
Should we just say we don't get on, say Mummy doesn't love Daddy anymore or say Mummy has met someone she wants to be with instead of Daddy?
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Divorce/separation
Shock Divorce: what to tell our children?
14 replies
PapaSolo · 30/03/2016 16:45
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