advice regarding contact during school holidays(14 Posts)
Hi- separated since January from emotionally abusive husband. Have decided to proceed to divorce. Will offer Friday and Saturday night sleepover until lunch time on Sunday as contact time for our DS aged 5. Not sure how to handle school holidays though. What have other people done?
Half holidays is pretty standard. Either splitting or alternating half terms. Splitting two week Easter and six week summer holidays. Alternating Christmas/Boxing Day. That sort of thing.
Not a problem with STBX. He wants more time with DS. DS finding STBX'S angry moods difficult and sometimes says he doesn't want to see Daddy as he is always angry. Other times he misses him and asks for more contact. I have never spent more than 2 nights in a row away from him- and that has only happened once. A whole week sounds scary but perhaps something we can work up to?
If I were you, I would try to work up to it pretty rapidly. If he took it to court (via mediation which is obligatory) judge would almost certainly order 6pm Friday - 6 pm Sunday, one evening supper in the week and half every holiday with alternate Xmas/Easter... And no 'time to adjust'... If I were you, get your child prepared for a week with daddy asap and keep everything away from court and therefore in your control !
Wow... even with addiction and mental health issues? He would get him for entire weekend? I am working and so would only see him 4 evenings a week outside holidays plus the rush of mornings . That is a big reality check!
School holidays is tougher. I have the holidays off so DD is with her Dad on the weekend and I have her during the week but this isn't always ideal as when I have family occasions I need to offer him another time to have her which doesn't always fit with his work. Being only 5, would rotating every third day work?
I was hoping to move to be closer to my family. Only 10 miles but in London that would make getting to/from school difficult for STBX during the week. He has banned me from asking his family, who we live near currently, to help out if DS is unwell etc. So being near my sister would make life much easier. Hope the courts are amenable....
You don't have to let him have every weekend. You are just as much entitled to time with your ds as he is. Holidays we split too and we both see dcs on birthdays and Christmas. If he is obliging and he should be if he cares about his child then he should agree to building up slowly. I did that with exh and I think the dcs have coped with it all well in part because of that. I hate having to share them but it is the reality I'm afraid.
My dh and I got a Residence Order for dss when he was 7 (totally different circumstances, I'm not saying your exh is likely to get Residence!) and my dp's exw was given the opportunity to have the following:
Every other weekend, Christmas with one parent/NY with the other. All other holidays split 50/50 taking into account the child's best interests (i.e. tiredness from travel etc.) and all travel plans to be communicated at least 2 weeks in advance. Easter day itself to be alternated each year. Oh, and opportunity to see dss on his birthday... not that she has for years but that's a separate thread
Hope this helps.
All weekend every other weekend and one dinner/overnight a week is the minimum a court would grant.
Bare in mind that if it is you who moves away and makes contact more difficult you may also find you have to foot the travel costs or do all the pick ups and drop offs yourself.
Half the holidays is also standard as is alternate years of Xmas Eve and day. I would have that reality check fast!
We work it with dp's exw that we have the one week at Easter and half term is either mon- wed or wed-fri depending on which weekend is contact. Summer is different as we have them on all dps days off to 3 with us then 3 with mum and usually a week full week at somepoint as she refuses to allow them to be with us for two full weeks (they are 12 & 10). She never allows dp Xmas which is really shit. She says yes and then refuses to hand them over. Bloody annoying and exceptionally hurtful for the kids.
What ever he did to you he is still your child's father so try where you can to be reasonable regarding contact!
I separated from my partner over a year ago and like you I had hardly ever been separated from my children. They were my world and I did everything for them. After the split he started making demands and threatening me with court action. I've had to negotiate with him and kept the arrangements out of the courts and so far on my terms. They stay with him one night in the week and one night at the weekend, that way they aren't away from me for too long. Occassionally he has had them a full weekend & then they were with me a full weekend. Each holiday I negotiate. So far it seems to be working, but it was agony for me at first and I felt resentful that they were staying with him - especially as prior to our separation he showed no interest in them. A year down the line it has got a little easier, but it is not an ideal situation for me. If your ex has health issues it might be worth getting professional advice.
With my ex we aren't starting longer holiday visits until she is 7 then it will be alternating half terms and he will get two times two weeks in the summer (our summer holidays are eight weeks long). She's 5 now and just too young for such long visits (she used to have long visits and it wasn't best for her)
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.