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Frightened to separate

(5 Posts)
Cornwallbird79 Sat 12-Mar-16 09:57:07

I am trying hard to be practical but sort of want this to all go away, but it's notsad
I have been with my hubby 16 yrs, married for 9. We have two primary school aged kids.
We separated once before and t was awful... Hubby was poisonous- I ended up really seeig an awful side to him. However with relationship counselling we moved back ino the marital home & ended up conceiving our second beautiful baby.
I can't say things have been brilliant. I'm in no way perfect but he is very grumpy, drinks too much, is dismissive, unkind at times and has over the past 6months I don't really want him near me. He can be loving and kind but I appreciate that our money worries(we sold our house at a loss, are on a payment plan now but owe almost 40,000) we both work yet half wy through the month we do not have a bean. I'm 37 and look fairly respectable I guess?! Yet can't even buy food until next wed and can't put credit on my phone which frightens me as I live out in the sticks and my care job takes me all over the place where really a working phone is a total must.
I know things are stressful- but he had been promising as I guess I've been focussing on things getting ether for years. We relocated 250 miles away from family two years ago for a new start- his attitudes still the same.
Three weeks ago I told him we needed to talk and needed to be sensible and practical and kind for the kids but that i did not feel like we were in a happy marriage.
I dread and I mean dread him wanting sex. I can only manage It when a bit drunk - and as we have no money I won't be buying wine! So I might totally try and just do t and pretend as don't want to hurt him but it's awful- emotionally I mean. I cry in the loo afterwards pretending I'm just having a wash.
What's wrong with mesad
I'm frightened of separation as don't want to e the one splitting the family up, I'm scared it's the kids that will suffer and worry I'm being selfish. I'm Christian and believe in marriwge... Yet do people just get to a stage in their marriage and just 'make do?'
Am I being unrealistic ?
I'm scared of separating and then realising that in several years time, it was all me and I shld have hung on... What if he was the love of my life and I walked out and ruined it?
Can anyone please, please offer me some of their time and wisdom? Xx

SohowdoIdothis Sat 12-Mar-16 13:09:34


Sorry you are having a terrible time.

Are you having counselling together and or separately?

Heatherjayne1972 Sat 12-Mar-16 13:09:35

Could you consider counselling again? If not then I think you'll have to bite the bullet and split
You're not happy. He's not happy He sounds quite unpleasant tbh. And it will affect the kids.
Ok the Christian thing- yes church folks like marriage at any cost ( my own experience there btw ) but that's not always realistic possible or sensible
Is he really the love of your life ? he's grumpy dismissive drinks is unkind and you don't want him near you He's not great
What would you say if that was a friends post?
Ok so sounds like you need some RL support. Some legal advice about debt/ housing/benefits try the CAB chat to a solicitor especially if he turns nasty ( my ex did when we split - I got a court order against him)
It's big and scary but I promise it's does get better

tic73 Wed 25-May-16 22:12:25

Fear is normal. But ask yourself is it scarier to go or to spend the rest of your life feeling like this?
I went through the fear last in process of divorce and although it's tough I feel so much better. Financially it will work out. I had the same fears.
Good luck x

MrsBertBibby Thu 26-May-16 07:43:07

You can't heal a relationship based on fear and lies, as yours is. He's only the "love of your life" if you love him, and at present, you don't, you fear him, and are so frightened of his response that you are abusing alcohol to give him sex you hate and don't want. You do yourself horrendous damage.

You can get out. The debt issue can be resolved, payments can be renegotiated, it's all fixable, and much more easily fixed than your psyche will be if this carries on.

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