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How to be a good ex wife...

(13 Posts)
ConkersDontScareSpiders Thu 10-Mar-16 18:34:13

I am fairly recently officially separated from h, though we have been living in the same house but separated for 2.5 years.
The split is largely amicable and we still sometimes hang out as four some (h, me and the two DD's) and because we share mutual friends can socialise as part of a group occasionally without the kids, ( as we don't want to make our friends feel awkward and have to choose and we don't hate each other).
H is now starting to date someone -probably a woman from work-though he doesn't want to totally tell me that yet.He has dropped hints however.
My question is how do I go about being a good ex wife when the time comes for h to tell me he is seeing someone else? (I feel this will be soon-he isn't good at being on his own and he has most likely been seeing this woman for some time before he moved of of home) I don't want him to feel awkward as I am pleased for him, but I would like to get to know whoever he is introducing to my DD's a bit- not as in be their best friend or anything-just don't want her, any of of our mutual friends or the kids to feel awkward and think the best way of doing this is to establish a vaguely friendly relationship at least.Is this unrealistic? Do new girlfriends want to be on good terms with the the ex wife or would it be seen as too much/and or weird? And if not how would I go about it?

twirlypen Thu 10-Mar-16 21:23:30

Ask him? If you are good friends talk to him about it, ask him what he wants your friendship and relationship to to be like.

When you know for sure about his relationship you can talk about what she might like or expect.

My mum and step mum had a solid friendship based on mutual respect and trust.

My husband left last year for another woman.. I hope and trust that when my husband is ready I will be there to support him and our DD with welcoming her into our family in the way that works for us all. Not an easy call.. But I trust and believe it is possible.

It's not going to be easy or straight forward but your love and friendship for your STBEXH will mean that it will all be ok.

As for your shared friends they will take their lead from you.

Sorry for ramble..

ConkersDontScareSpiders Thu 10-Mar-16 22:10:20

Thanks for reply.
I would ask him but think it would make him feel uncomfortable and he would get maybe a bit...defensive? Not sure if the right word.Its really important to him to be seen to be virtuous and he will just be super weird about this I think-and its just so unnecessary!
I suppose it's all just speculation at this stage until he actually tells me.
You read a lot on here from step parents who really loathe the ex partners of their dp and i just wondered what behaviours to avoid so as to make sure it's the best possible relationship.Im a very open person and quite laid back but sometimes can be so much that way that I can't see if I'm crossing boundaries almost-things that bother other people often don't bother me that much, and I can't work out if it's weird to want to be good friends with your ex husband and by extension his new partner? (assuming they aren't horrible which you would hope they wouldn't be).

twirlypen Fri 11-Mar-16 15:53:07

Then wait until he tells you, then you can talk about what kind of friendship you two will continue to have and what part she wants in the relationship..

Nothing has to be forced, and whatever relationship you have with her will grow over time.

We do not need to define our relationships with others based on what we read, hear or what we think others expect of us.

Much of the negativity towards exes and new partners is founded on fear, hurt and pain.

It sounds to me that you are wanting and are operating from a place of love.. So be kind, be patient and don't over think it.. Trust in yourself. X

ConkersDontScareSpiders Fri 11-Mar-16 18:06:31

Thanks twirly smile

wheresthel1ght Fri 11-Mar-16 18:11:40

Conkers you sound lovely! I desperately wanted things with dps exw to be amicable and friendly And when we got together I never perceived any issues as she had had an affair and kicked him out. Unfortunately she has other ideas but I wanted to say that I think it is truly lovely that you want his new gf to feel comfortable as well as maintains your excellent relationship with your exh.

From her perspective she will be utterly terrified. She may not welcome the idea of being friends and meeting you at first. But I genuinely think if all parties can get along then that it the best thing for the kids.

I agree with the above though, if you think he will be uncomfy and defensive if you raise the gf issue then leave it til he tells you and then discuss it.

Good luck!

FredaMayor Tue 15-Mar-16 14:32:31

OP, I am both an exW and a SM, and would caution that just because you and 'h' are amicable I don't think it will necessarily follow that his new GF/partner will feel the same. IME she may suspect unfinished business or you trying to mark your territory as far as DC go by seeking to vet H's new relationship partner. Unless they are very small I think to try that would be pointless anyway and only serve to make you appear needy.

In my own opinion the best exW is one who (like myself) allows exH to move on and is uninvolved in his relationship.

ConkersDontScareSpiders Thu 17-Mar-16 07:16:31

Freda-I guess it was that kind of reaction from the new gf that I was asking for advice on how to avoid.I don't want to be involved in H's new relationship at all.I just feel it would be a shame if his new gf felt threatened,or whatever, to such an extent that it would prevent us from, as we do now, having the occasional day out or dinner with the DD's-plus longer term birthdays, weddings etc where we will all need to be together (or will, as h and I committed to at the beginning, try to be, as that's what makes the DD's happiest and we don't get along badly on a superficial level)...obviously the new gf (and If I ever meet anyone, him as well) would also want to be involved in that eventually and I think that would be the best way to avoid the DD's feeling stuck in the middle/ having to choose iyswim?
So how to do it without as you say coming across as territory marking? I want to show that I am positive about their relationship whilst not being too intrusive I guess.
But there is probably no exact science to it and I suppose very much will depend on the gf and how she views it?

bitchingtwitching Thu 17-Mar-16 16:19:36

I am an ex-wife and also the new partner of someone with an ex-wife. I will be honest and say I think once one or both of you are in new established relationships you might find things like days out and dinners together tail off. Not saying at all there is anything wrong with it, and in an ideal world we would all be mature and sensible and all the rest of it - and I can't really put my finger on it - but I would feel uncomfortable if my boyfriend now went on days out etc as part of the family unit. And it would be strange for me to do it with ex-h, although we do attend school events etc together. I have great respect for my partners ex and certainly don't feel threatened etc by their relationship at all - I suppose it is just establishing boundaries as things change.

I suppose what I am saying is that one way to be a "good" ex-wife is to respect that your relationship with him might change as the new relationship becomes established.

nickivanov Sun 27-Mar-16 22:53:22

I think to be a good ex you need to evaluate why you separated in the first place, read this

According to those try and change

Dinkiedoo Sat 16-Apr-16 16:12:48

my hubbys ex was ok with me at first and we got on ok. The odd snide comment was made but I ignored it. She told hubby she had forgotten my name once when she had dropped son off .This was said in my earshot so I guess she wanted me to hear.Again I ignored it.It was his relationship.
Then we moved in together ...she began to make it difficult to see son . (she did the same with first husband and their son btw)
Then we got married and eventually she turned hubbys step son against him. It was all my fault apparently .
We dont see much of hubbys son now ..he is 22 and has his own mind and does keep in touch but he is busy working etc.
. We dont hear from the ex anymore

Seasoned1975 Tue 12-Jul-16 22:30:02

Separation is a hard time for everyone and I think your behavior should depend on many factors: 1) How good is this new person your ex is dating? 2) What is it you really want regarding this new status quo, 3) What will be your reaction and attitude of your ex? Et cetera. It can be a rather long and exhaustive list of whys, whats and so forth. I found useful some of the relationship and separation advice articles on this Russian dating site:

mrsbrightside3 Wed 20-Jul-16 13:41:00

I am an ex wife and my dh has an ex wife. My divorce was amicable and I am good freinds with my ex. My new dh knew that when we got together and although found it a bit weird at first, has got used to it. We still do stuff together, including my new dh sometimes. Both my exh and dh get on well.

My exh has not met anyone since we separated, but if and when he does I will welcome them into my life.

My dh's exw is another kettle of fish. 3 years and a retraining order later and dh's exw still cannot tolerate me near her exh and children.

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