seperated but can't afford to move out

[threeplusme]

Hi,

I am separated from my DH of 12 years for 18 months now, we have 3DC but are still living in the same house, I am now in the spare room. Mortgage is in DH name but I pay utility bills. I just can't afford to move out and wondered if anyone else had been in this situation and what happened.

DH (acronym that no longer works - can I change it to FB!)won't move out and won't enter into any conversation regarding split as he does not agree. The situation currently is awful, DC's are suffering due to arguments and atmosphere and DH is playing the perfect parent role slipping in comments about how it's my decision and he doesn't want this to happen. I'm really struggling but can see no way out. I have no friends or family near. There is nothing to rent locally apart from low-end terraced with woodchip walls and damp and whilst I would be fine if it was just me, I want to my DC's to be happy about a new home and not reinforce the sentiment that I'm taking them out of a lovely home to live in somewhere they don't like for my own selfish reasons.

Feel hopeless.

[PurpleWithRed]

Have you seen a solicitor? What equity Is there in the house? You can divorce and force a sale - a slow process but manageable. And your kids would be happier in a Crap home with a calm happy mum than living in a world of rows and atmospheres.

[threeplusme]

HI,

Thanks for the reply. I have seen a solicitor and know I can move out - the divorce is less of an issue for me than sorting out the finances, struggling to work out if I can afford to go pay them to sort out finances but DH is so hard to talk to. There is about 60k equity but DH claiming he has large debts. Our original decision was to sell the house, pay off all debts and move on with what was left split 50/50 but DH now says he wants to keep the house and I must admit having a stable environment for DC's was something I wanted too. There is just no talking to him, he puts up a wall and won't communicate, blocks everything. I know I need to move out to get the space in order to think straight but can't see how I can afford it.

I get what you are saying about the housing, but so want my DC's to be happy about something and not miserable about where they have to live 50% of the time.

[HeddaGarbled]

You really need to get on with the divorce. The sooner that is sorted, the sooner you will be able to live separately.

It sounds like he has a higher income than you which probably makes you the main carer which means the children will spend more time living with you than him, yes?

Courts will look to ensuring that the children are adequately housed so it is likely that the asset split will not be 50-50. You should expect to get a bigger percentage so that you can provide a home for the children. Why hasn't your solicitor told you that? You may need to find a better solicitor.

[threeplusme]

Hi,

We both agreed that the DC's would have equal time with us both. Neither of us want DC's seeing less of one parent then the other. We both work full-time now. My career started later due to being a full time mother bur after 3 years working I am now earning nearly as much as DH, 4K less. So a 50/50 split was what I was advised.

[PitilessYank]

Have you considered doing the "nesting" thing, wherein the kids stay in the family home and you and your ex rotate between the house and a cheap apartment, shared between the two of you but never occupied simultaneously?

[AndNowItsSeven]

Was your dh abusive? I am assuming not if you are still living in the house with the dc.
You say the dc suffer due to arguments and the atmosphere the best thing for them is to work on that. Your dh wants you to still live their would he be open to counselling, relate?
The best solution for the dc firstly and then yourselves is not divorce but working on your issues and resolving your marriage.

[catsmother]

Pile on the guilt why don't you AndNow ..... I bet the OP's never given any thought to resolving her marriage during the 18 months she's been separated (never mind before then) . FFS.

[AndNowItsSeven]

No I don't think the op needs to feel guilty. However her dh still wants to be married and it's better for the dc. Life isn't all about ourselves and especially not when we have dc.

[twelveyeargap]

I've been living with my ex for nearly a year and he is also dead set on staying in a house neither of us can afford alone anyway. It's hideous. I feel for you.

You can petition for the divorce and get that underway as it will force the discussion about the rest. You don't even really need a solicitor for that, bit if you can't afford it. See if you can find a local family law firm that does 30 minute drop in sessions so you can find out the process. Then you can download the forms and fill them in yourself. Some legal firms also offer a service where you pay a fee to have them check the form for you, rather than do the whole thing for you.

Don't move somewhere crap to get away. It's no more fair than the current situation and sets the wrong tone for the discussion. You are both equally entitled to live in a decent home with the children.

Tell him you're going to start proceedings and say that the best thing for all of you is for you and him to attend mediation (I recommend using a mediator who is also a solicitor - most family law firms provide this service.) The mediator will ask you both what you want to sort out and take it from there. Once he knows you're serious about splitting, it should get things moving. You staying in the spare room and not taking positive action is just making a 'new reality' for you all to live in. Trust me on this!