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Should I divorce husband of 12 years

(8 Posts)
isthisit1 Wed 24-Feb-16 13:18:27

I have been with my husband for 17 years ( married for 12 ) we have 2 children aged 9 and 7 years. I have been a stay at home mum since my first child was born. Things were okay at the beginning but since my husband joined Facebook 10 years ago he may as well be having an affair with it! He shuts himself in the kitchen every evening to go on it. I have found sexual messages that he has sent to women ( some live in the same village as me and I have to see them on a regular basis ) He also drinks heavily, smokes heavily and doesn't spend much time with the children. I have recently found out that he snogged our next door neighbour a few years ago but when I confronted him about it he said it was nothing and that he was drunk! I have also heard unconfirmed rumours about other women. I have been to see a solicitor for advice but that is as far as it has got. I have told my husband this and he says he doesn't want a divorce and that he loves and adores me, and now he won't talk about our marriage problems at all unless he is drunk and then he starts crying and then shouts at me. I'm scared that divorce will have a negative and life changing effect on my children. They are so happy and settled and doing so well at school I don't want to upset them.

OP’s posts: |
Carriecakes80 Wed 24-Feb-16 22:09:41

Firstly, I'm so sorry you're this unhappy, but let me honestly tell you that staying with the partner for the sake of the kids won't work. Its a wonderful thing to think about your kids, but all kids want at the end of the day is their parents happy, and you are most obviously not. I watched my mum and dad try to stay together and knew even at the tender age of twelve that they were not happy. I saw other kids parents cuddle, kiss, make romantic gestures to one another, while mine just seemed unhappy, angry, and lonely, despite us all living in the same house. It was awful, in the end it was me who begged my mum to divorce my dad! (Now they are good friends)

You deserve to be with someone who worships the ground you walk on! I too have had a relationship break down with children involved, and knew I could never be the best mum I could be staying with their dad, he too drank and even one time hit me in front of our baby son, and I decided there and then, I didn't want my boy to grow up thinking that was normal, so I have been a single parent, and stayed that way for seven years, I got strong and finally realised I didn't need a bloke to make me strong, I had me! :-)

Your kids will be upset and angry if you do divorce their dad, however, this will be short lived, just be honest with them, don't down their father, just tell them that you need to do this to be happy, and they will understand.
No-one deserves to be with someone who treats the like rubbish, just imagine what you would say to your own child if they came to you asking for advice on this very same thing. Would you want your child to be in a relationship like yours? Being shouted at, cheated on, made a fool of? Of course not, and you are worth just as much as your children, and you deserve to be treated like a queen. I hope you find the strength in you to make yourself happy, because your kids follow your example, and if you show them strength and how you won't be treated like a doormat by anyone, then they won't grow up to be treated like that either.

Loadsa love & strength chick xxx

lemonademaker Thu 25-Feb-16 20:42:10

I couldn't agree more with what carriecakes has said, you deserve to be happy and being in a relationship where you are being treated like this is far more damaging to your children than their parents splitting up. I have seen my parents stay together when they are miserable and I wish they had divorced and found happiness in their lives. Change is always scary and your children will naturally be resistant to it but that does not mean it is the wrong thing to do. Best of luck with whatever you decide xxx

lemonademaker Thu 25-Feb-16 20:43:47

Ps I am divorced with 2 children and am happier now than I ever thought possible, the kids are much more settled and we have now got an amicable relationship X

isthisit1 Mon 29-Feb-16 21:26:06

Thankyou so much Carriecakes80 and lemonademaker for your advice, you both make really good points and a lot of sense. I have now contacted my solicitor to tell her to ahead with the divorce proceedings because I can't ever see my husband changing. I still feel incredibly sad about everything and very anxious all the time, but hopefully this will pass and one day very soon I will realise that I have done the right thing. xx

OP’s posts: |
valL123 Thu 03-Mar-16 12:00:26

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lifeisunjust Fri 06-May-16 07:45:16

Divorcing your husband won't stop him drinking though. Your children will still put up with that. What about your husband might take on the "sad" role whilst you take on the "happy" role. Where are the winners there? You but not your kids. They'll still have one sad parent and one happy one, just reversed around.

Do think very very hard about this.

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