Dad takes two but not three of the kids...

(13 Posts)
turkeylovessprout Mon 22-Feb-16 22:56:17

OK, so recently separated. We have 3 kids. (6,4,2)
The problem is that h only ever takes the girls away when they go to stay saying 3 is too much to cope with!
He took them for a week at christmas and these holidays but my son is so upset when they go. He's been so miserable without his sisters and I'm sure he feels angry.
H wanted me to have an abortion with son (I don't know if this is related) but I didn't. he was unplanned and I couldn't go through with it.

I don't know if he just can't be bothered to put the extra effort in. (my son is just a typical 2 year old really, not difficult to handle or anything) or if he is 'teaching me a lesson' (he often did stuff passively like this) or plain rejecting him.
He didn't speak to him on the phone all week when the girls were away or bother to call him.
It's really upsetting to see but i don't know how to deal with it.

We haven't been through mediation or divorce so we are just doing it by ourselves atm.

MattDillonsPants Tue 23-Feb-16 02:06:14

Are the girls happy when they see their Dad? I'm afraid that my gut reaction is that this man is too damaging to be near any of your kids. I may be wrong...I tend towards the extreme but I know that if my husband did this, he wouldn't be allowed to see any of them. The emotional fall out your son could experience could be very damaging from this kind of rejection and your DDs are seeing it and being affected by it too.

PerspicaciaTick Tue 23-Feb-16 02:10:12

If he is struggling to cope with all 3 of his children (which you must be managing quite well on your own most of the time hmm), then it would be better if he saw all of them for shorter periods of time (so take them all out for an afternoon) rather than picking favourites and spending longer with the girls to the detriment of your DS.

MattDillonsPants Tue 23-Feb-16 02:15:11

Yes or take them by turn overnight...one at a time. I agree that there must be a solution but he can't go on ignoring his poor son.

turkeylovessprout Tue 23-Feb-16 10:49:31

Thanks so much for your replies. Sorry have been out this am. I agree that my son is going to be very damaged.
One of the reasons I left with the kids is because he spent no time with us as a family and he just hardly did anything with the children. When he did, he rarely took my son.
He's such a lovely boy, always smiling (I'm trying not to be biased!) but he is really hurting from t. He acted up with bad behaviour all last week. Spitting, which he's never done before.
H was a bit of a workaholic so always busy working or too tired. I did everything in the home and i don't think he ever bathed, read to them or put them to bed. In essence it was like being a single mum anway.

I know I can't force him to take him but because we now live a couple of hours away, we take it in turns. When I go there I stay nearby so they can have some time, but if they ever go out and our youngest is going (say to the cinema, I have to go too!)
However, he'll take the girls happily anywhere.

H is quite degrading and patronising often just totally would ignore my presence when we were there. He does the same to the kids sometimes.
If he's busy and they show him a picture for example, he might just not reply. He refers to them (jokingly!) as 'babies' (my eldest is 6) and gets fed up of them after an hour.

last time I took them , he spent most of the time in his room working again (this is the weekend btw)

Obviously the girls love him and miss him and love him spending time with them but i think they are beginning to realise he often just can't be bothered.

Thing is, he seems to pick when he wants them, so is kind of still in control.

turkeylovessprout Tue 23-Feb-16 10:51:32

Sorry the above sounds a bit hypocritical !
I meant that since we left and the girls stay there he'll take them both out quite happily. Very rarely before we left he did anything.

turkeylovessprout Tue 23-Feb-16 10:56:25

I also never know how he'll be or what mood he's in. He put me through a lot of silent treatment (for days for no reason) and very sarcastic and critical.
For example, he'd be critical about what the kids were wearing, or make snide comments about food, shopping...how I brought them up ect without ever helping me!!
He often speaks to me 'through' the children. He'll say '++++ Where did you get that jumper, it's too small' Knowing I was stood right there listening.

HeddaGarbled Tue 23-Feb-16 23:41:48

I think that you need to go through mediation and raise all these issues during the mediation meeting.

expectantmum79 Sun 13-Mar-16 13:07:37

I think your son is better off without him and your daughters will soon get the measure of him. I wouldn't push it personally, the less time he spends with your precious boy the less bad influence.

wheresthel1ght Sun 13-Mar-16 20:12:32

Quite frankly I would be telling him that he either takes ALL his kids or he has none of them.

He is being abusive and controlling and honestly the kids are the only ones who are going to get hurt.

5BlueHydrangea Sun 13-Mar-16 20:22:34

Some men are so selfish. Your story really reminds me of a friend of mine. She has 2 boys - 5 and 7, divorced about 2 years. Her ex dh is a pain in the neck. Everything on his terms, seems to practically ignore the boys when he is there. Does very little with them. They just play on their iPads all weekend when there. Incredibly frustrating for my friend who in a way would rather he just said "I'm not interested in the kids, I'll stop pretending I am and leave you all alone!"
Of course she feels that they should have a relationship with him but I feel in the not too distant future he will not be around for them...and quite frankly they will be better off with her!
You are not alone.

Marilynsbigsister Mon 14-Mar-16 20:28:39

This is really horrible OP. Really damaging to your son. I would personally refuse to allow any contact if he treat all equally.

Is your decision to have a third child against your ex husbands wishes, the cause (or amongst the causes )for your relationship failing ? Did he never reconcile to the baby ? Or were things bad before your LO came along. ?

Thisismyfirsttime Mon 14-Mar-16 22:11:52

I think it's not right for him to treat the eldest differently, how will he build a bond with (and therefore want to see) his son if he spends no time with him, doesn't call to speak to him etc? If he wants to take the girls to do 'older' things like the cinema, ice skating etc perhaps he could take 3 for say 2 weekends and the girls just for one night for another. He can't take the eldest girls and leave the youngest for a week, that isn't fair on anyone. I don't think it's advisable to let this happen and let the girls figure it out for themselves, your son is equal to them and doesn't deserve to feel like the odd one out. Which he will if this carries on.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now