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Lost trust in father or am I being paranoid?

(1 Post)
Chained24 Sat 06-Feb-16 19:54:41

A couple of weeks passed after I posted about the situation between my 10 year old son and his father that resulted in the boy living now with me and refusing overnight stays at his father due to some traumatic incidents that occurred there. Child Services and the School are involved and contact is encouraged and is happening again between father and son. We also started mediation yesterday.

The father is now pushing for the situation to go back to normal again, this means that the boy should start sleeping at his place as soon as possible so that he can start living with him every other week as he used to before all this happened.

Contact started the last couple of weeks but under very difficult circumstances as the father either calls two hours before he is to pick up his son or cancels appointments he has made with him, changing days. I talked with child services about this and they think that there should be a structure in visits and that the child should not be pushed to start sleepovers again before he is ready.

By talking with the father yesterday at mediation, I see that we have a totally different understanding of the situation and he keeps shifting focus from the main problem (to me at least), that is our son (in his own words) has lost trust in his father, thinks his father does not listen to him and is afraid of him and this is why he an away from home on the first place, and keeps focusing on HIS and MY weeks and keeps mentioning that he is actually doing us a favor for letting our son staying at my place now.

If the initial incidents were not enough to make me worry, the father's deliberate (or not) inability to see the whole picture and how his own actions have created such a breech between his son and him, have made me lose trust in him now myself.

In the five years that we had this arrangement, I never felt before that he is not able to care for our son, but under the light of the latest developments I am starting to have my doubts.

Our son, talked three times already with social worskers at CS and there is no doubt that what the child experienced there was traumatic enough to make him not go back and sleep at his father. His father downplays it and speaks of different parenting styles. Everyone encourages contact with the father which is being done.

The question now, and under the light of the latest developments is: If this was your child, would you maintain the "every other week" agreement and focus on bringing it back to this point, or would you (like I do) lose the trust you had in the father to handle difficult situations and result to the situation exploding like it did?

Am I being paranoid when my gut feeling says there is something wrong here?

The father earlier sent me a message (after cancelling today's plans he had with the boy) to tell me that he will not plan any visits anymore in MY (as it was before) weeks (but he wants to go with him swimming Tuesday and Thursday when he has training) but will focus instead on contact HIS weeks. At mediation, he said he wants that our son in HIS weeks would go to his place after school and stay there until it is bed time and then come home to me to sleep. I replied that I do not see any structure and normality in such a schedule but I have the feeling that his last message is preparing for exactly THAT the week after next.

I have more meetings with CS and my lawyer upcoming week and also Mediation again on Friday but do you think I am being overly cautious? My gut feeling says I should ask for full residency with visitation for the father at this point. I hear him talk about the situation and watch his erratic inconsistent behavior and get this fear inside me, that this man is not able to deal with a child that is growing older and the challenges become more complicated. No parent that is able to, would let things go that far in the first place. The aftermath though to me, bares more weight on this feeling of mistrust and unease.

WHat do you all think?

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