Was splitting a mistake?(7 Posts)
Hoping for some advice here from all the mums. I'm a 34 year old dad to an amazing son. Unfortunately his Mum and split nearly 2 years ago now. It was all my fault. I cheated. Worse thing I ever did. If I could turn back the clock I would. A lot of time has passed since. The break up was messy. The ex was so messed up and full of hatred and bitterness and myself full of guilt and self loathing. We have both since moved on....ish She is with a great bloke who is fantastic for her and my son and I am also with a great girl who is great with my son so I'm feeling pretty lucky. But things are well a bit weird. Over the last 6 months maybe more there isn't a day that goes by when I don't hear from my ex. Random questions to things etc. And most days I'll get a call when she finishes work. Just to talk. Now I'll be honest I still love her as much as I did when I married her so I always pick up the phone when ever she calls or texts. I help her out a lot. Financially. Sometimes she asks sometimes I can see she's struggling. For eg. Her fridge freezer broke so I got her a new one. She went on holiday with her boyfriend and she told me she had no spending money so I helped her there as well. Her amount of contact with me is upsetting my gf who is convinced she wants me back. Me I just think that we have a good friendship going. For my lads sake mainly. But it doesn't stop my gf slagging off my ex and vice versa. Yet my ex's bf and I get on really well.
Every now and again my ex and I will take our son out and have a meal and its nice. She will always talk to me about the past what I did and how much its affected her but she admitted that her bf has no clue about how much we talk or how much I help. Take this weekend. I'm picking her dogs up (I have a key for her house yes) and looking after them whilst she goes away with her bf again. Am I being take for a mug? Does she know how I still feel? Is she usng my guilt against me for her benefit? Is my gf right does she want me back. Or is this a rare breakup where we can actually be friends. She was my best friend for 9 years so surely some of that can stay.
Of course you can become friends after a break up, especially if you are accord about parenting, but it sounds as if your boundaries are a bit fucked up - if I was your gf or her bf I'd be pretty unhappy.
I don't see looking after her dogs as being that big a deal, but calling every day just to talk (eg not just about your son) sounds like a possible emotional affair. Asking for money (assuming that you give a fair amount for maintenance) for holidays etc isn't normal either - would you give money to a friend - or ask for that matter? That you think she's keeping secrets from her bf is also a bad sign. I'd suspect if he found out he'd be very hurt and their relationship might not last. Which would be pretty tough for your son, if nothing else.
...and if you love her as much as you did when you married her you are not being fair to your girlfriend.
Yes you're being unfair to your gf and she's being unfair to her bf. You don't need to talk everyday, imo this relationship isn't over its just changed! Neither of you want to be apart or together. It's messed up.
I can see where you are coming from. I still love and care for my ex, we were together for a long time. If he needed me I would help, however if he had a gf, I would feel that my moments of care, would no longer be required.
I have been ill recently and I've asked if he could help me out a bit with our dd, he's happy to help. He also asked how I was feeling, because again her cares about me. However for 'emotional' support I don't go to him, I have an OH for that. I also wouldn't dream of having a key for his house!
I also don't call him for chats. Tbh I may speak on the phone once a month at that. Our contact us via brief text.
You do need to sort boundaries as you could ruin both your new relationships. I'm also sorry to say that I believe she is taking you for a mug on some levels. Next time she asks for something, question whether it should be someone else's responsibility.
Also you said you still love her like you did when you met, I wanted to say that I still love my dds, from all that we shared and that we had a dd togther, but the love is a romantic love, I don't fancy him, I just have this strong caring feeling for him. If it helps, I once thought this was romantic love and when we were both single we tried again, it didn't work. I thought it would as we co parent so well, but it never worked because so
Much time had passed and the love was like a family love - I couldn't bear to sleep with him as it felt like shagging a brother!
Sorry there are so many typos in there, but I hope you get the gist!
Thanks for all your advice everyone. It's good to get an outside view on it all.
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