My husband left me a few weeks ago and tbh its been quite rubbish for the last couple of years so it was a relief. I'd considered separation myself but never had the guts and was worried about the children and the consequences and so on and thought we should keep going or things would get better or something.
The first week was awful, despite everything it was a shock. Also it was very stressful - trying to juggle my commute and work and the children's childcare but I did it and felt like, although it was tricky, I could manage on my own. I had friends/family in place etc in case I had to stay late for a parents evening or whatever.
Anyway I don't know if someone has said something to my ex about dropping me in it or of he feels guilty or if he thinks that if he makes me see I need him he will come back but he is being super helpful! While I appreciate it I'm finding it a bit much at times. I want to be nice and i want to make it easier for our children but i also want to draw a line - and i have no idea where that line should be!? What is normal behaviour and expectations in these situations!?
So for example -
He has started coming over every morning to look after kids and take them to the breakfast club which means I can leave half an hour earlier so I can get to work on time - he arrives, lets himself in and I leave. He also picks them up on the nights he finishes before me and brings them over and waits until i get home, which is most nights.
Today he bought christmas presents from them to me - this is great but he went up to my bedroom so they could wrap them. Is it ridiculous that I found this rather intrusive?
He lets himself in rather than ringing the bell even when i'm here.
he comes when i'm at work - i know because the post has been picked up or washing put in dryer.
He fixed the washing machine for me the other day as he said it had an error message (it frequently does!) This is obviously really appreciated but at the same time I want to cut my ties and my dependence on him - does that sound ungrateful? I am trying so hard to be reasonable and for everything to be amicable - and so far it is (although we haven't started talking about division of finances like the house for example!)
For our sons birthday I invited him for tea so he could see son and spend time with him and he came and spent time with us. But i found it difficult him sitting on the sofa and acting like he still lives here.
The thing is its great for our children that they get to come to their own home when they come home from school rather than go where he is staying and then have to come home later but I'm starting to consider this as being my home and not his - how can i set up some ground-rules without damaging this great opportunity for my children to have a bit of normality and see their Dad?
Ex is staying at Grandmas so they enjoy spending time there and have stayed over a few times already but at the same time there is nothing quite like coming home and relaxing with own toys or watching tv in own space. Maybe I am being too soft!
In a way I am probably being selfish because I want the best of both worlds. He is looking after them when i go back to school after christmas so i suggested he look after them here for the day while i'm not here as i didn't want them to go and spend the whole week with him as they are still off on holidays. I said it was because they would prefer to be in their own home and they are staying with him for the weekend so it made sense for them but it was also for me as i didn't want them to be away all week and the weekend. I find it really difficult not seeing them.
How can i get the right balance and set up some ground rules without upsetting the children?
Sorry for the long post! TIA for any advice.
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Divorce/separation
Where to draw the line?! Please advise - I have no idea!
3 replies
freida20 · 12/12/2015 16:49
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