After being amicable for 3 years it's all gone wrong

[Dec2015]

Name change regular here.

Diy divorce 3 years ago. All amicable. Both moved on. Both of us have remarried. We even have a shared icalendar!

Now he's changed his job and moved a bit further away. He's being really awkward about money and timings of drop offs etc for our 2 children.

I haven't asked for an increase despite now having increased childcare costs.

He's overly invested in what I do with my child free time. I don't think it's his business whether I'm working/ having a lie in or anything but he does.

I actually think I've been gas lighted a bit in the last year. However I'd really like to resolve this.

We never went to court. We had no assets.

What's the best way to resolve this please? Shall I put something in writing? Mediation?

Thanks for reading.

[Dec2015]

Self indulgent bump?

[wallywobbles]

Perhaps its time to formalise things - sorry I'm no help as I'm in France, but didn't want to you disappear.

[Dec2015]

Thankyou. I have no idea how to do this though?

It must be pretty rare to have come this far without court/mediation. I'm not sure who to ask really?

[QuiteLikely5]

Set out days and times and stick to them.

Money wise - make sure he is paying the correct amount by using the csa calculator

[Bellemere]

You can go to family counselling as divorced parents. Relate do exactly this sort of thing but I'd recommend a BACP or UKCP accredited psychotherapist really.

If you just want to resolve the finances/arrangements for children then mediation might be okay.

[Dec2015]

I can't seem to set our days and times. He now has a problem with this. We've always been flexible. He's now being awkward despite dropping contact

On our divorce documents we agreed a % of salary. Then he dropped it and I couldn't be arsed to fight it

Now I can't use the calculator as I don't know what he earns.

I've been in Contact with him and said I want to have mediation. He's gone nuts.

I'm not sure what he's afraid of.

[wannabestressfree]

I wouldn't answer any questions that aren't related to the children. It's really none of his business . What does your husband think?
With regard to the timings I agree a schedule would be Better even if its a month in advance.

[wannabestressfree]

And ring the cms and let them do it...

[Dec2015]

yes. This will potentially out me so I'll try and keep it factual...

He works shifts. He's going to have the kids eow from sat morning to mon morning - drop kids at school on Monday. Fine. He said he'll collect from my house at 9am. I said pls collect from dh's work at 8.30.

This means I can work (or not) without having to wait in for them to be collected. I can get on with my day.

He said it was too difficult. The reasons kept changing. I said I was an extra hour a month. Surely not seeing his children for 12 days could negate that extra 30mins. He works late shifts.

So the reasons ranged from him wanting a bit of a lie in. He also has his own step son to deal with (3yo) I think his step son does football so it's a tricky journey to manage all the timings for all the children. He only has one car.

But this was the clincher....He collected the children 6 weeks ago from dh's work then came back to my house to collect children's wellies. My dd just ran in to the house. I was in bed. He was intending to use our spare key which I don't have a problem with. obviously I do now and has held a grudge that he put himself out by collecting 'early' and thought it was selfish I was still in bed.

[Dec2015]

He works set shifts - they don't change.

[llhj]

What's his new wife like? Is she the pernicious influence? You're going to have play hardball if he's being a cock.

[Dec2015]

Oh and another trigger is to do with holidays. He wants to take them away for 6 days next year. I asked if he could have them for 7. It's so I can go away with dh.

He made such a fuss about it. He doesn't think I should go away without the children as he can't ever have a child free holiday.

Please note twice last year I covered for him - no questions asked - as he was away with his family - without our children.

He holds a grudge that dh and I went away and he covered for us in 2013.

We haven't had a child free holiday since.

[Dec2015]

She's lovely. I really like her.

[Fairylea]

He sounds quite controlling. What you do with your child free time is absolutely none of his business. You're not on child duty so whether you're in bed or not is nothing to do with him.

Personally I would lie and tell him you are always going to be at work on those mornings he picks up so he will need to pick up from your dhs work. If you're not at work he doesn't need to know, does he?

I think you're all a bit over involved in each other's lives, I'd stop sharing the i calendar if you haven't already and just operate on a need to know basis.

[Dec2015]

I think also his step sons dad is an unreliable non paying git, so he's set the bar low. My xh feels that as he's so much better than that 'dickhead' that I should be grateful for the money and time that I do get from him.

[Dec2015]

the icalendar is literally just for the children. It has been great.

He thinks I'm over invested in his life too. I really don't think I am. He thinks I'm jealous of his time with his step son as opposed to time spent with our own . Projection maybe?

[Newbrummie]

Definitely projection. I would change the locks and not lie about work, why should you, it's just none of his business end of story

[Dec2015]

Thankyou. Spare key is necessary for the in laws but we've changed the code.

That's my thought about work. I'm a locum nurse, so genuinely do cover erratic shifts (& bank). It's not his concern about what I do is it?

[newname99]

When my dh's ex was unreasonable it was a result of her deep unhappiness. She resented her life with her new husband and took it out on dh.Nothing he could do was right.

She divorced 2nd husband and moved in with new man, she's much, much better and I think she is happier.
Happy people don't act like your ex.

[Dec2015]

I'm just trying to wade through fact/fiction and not come out like a bitter ex.

I've had a very polite text from his wife about Xmas holiday cover tonight. It's basically just awkward enough for it to be difficult but technically still helping me out as its childcare whilst I work.

[wannabestressfree]

I would just kill with kindness and see if it settles down.... Say nothing and juggle about.

[bjrce]

Agree with pp, he's unhappy with something in his life right now and he's taking it out on you.
Perhaps it's the dws ex. Your ex is probably frustrated at his actions, because he has to make up for him and it effects their life, so obviously he thinks he's such a great dad you don't realise how lucky you are!
Going forward try not to tell him too much re your own plans. Don't give him too much rope or you'll hang yourself. Re holiday with your dh, I know you need to discuss plans, just be aware of his reaction, he probably feels you have an easy life with your new dh and why should he make it easy for you

[BathtimeFunkster]

It sounds like your "amicability" is based (as is so often the case) on him treating you badly, and you putting up with it.

People who have a genuinely amicable relationship don't renege on financial commitments to their children or think their ex shouldn't go on holiday when the children are with them.

I think you need to recognise that you've reached the end of appeasement road and just deal with him as the resentful, spiteful, unhelpful prick that he is.

[Dec2015]

Thanks all

I've gone ahead and mediation is booked. There's a questionnaire to be filled in in advance. I feel it's the right thing, and yes it's not going to make a bad situation worse

I've been compiling a bit of a dossier for my own sanity about stuff he has done/hasn't done, and it makes for grim reading. Nothing abusive just annoying stuff... Forgetting to collect children from school (more than once). That sort of stuff. Change in plans at the last minute etc. It's going to be interesting how this progresses actually.