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How do I heal. I feel so lost right now.

(5 Posts)
Butterfly6118 Tue 24-Nov-15 22:48:55

I really just need advice on healing from this broken heart . My story is long so please bare with it.
I've been married 9 years. We have 1 daughter. I live in a very small rural town. About 1000 ppl. The next city over is about a 20 min highway drive and is the only place anyone can find a job as jobs in my home town are extremely limited.
My husband has left 4 times in the last five years. Usually we are fighting alot before it happens. And when it happens my husband will stop talking to me all together and avoid me. The first time I got a text from him saying he'd found someone else and was moving out with a friend. He came back in a week and did some counciling with our church pastor. Not long later maybe a year it happens again . He distances himself from me. Stops talking starts avoiding me. He tells me he wants to separate. But because we both own the house he lives in the house but doesn't wanna be with me. Again there are signs of him bonding with another women again. After a few months of this torture we get back together . He hates living here . I met him in the big city 4 hrs away. He wants to go back. At first I agree but after thinking and private counciLing I decided it was not a good move for my daughter and me. I tell him. He says fine he's still going. He continues to live in the house but we are not together. 3 months he finally moves out and goes and lives in the city. After being separated for 9 months we reconnect again. This time we seek professional marriage counciLin. And things go very well for the next two years. Till now. Everything in our relationship seemed great. I have texts of a conversation with a friend of mine saying how wonderful things were with us. How he had been so romantic and caring. More than he has ever been. He had alot of credit card debits. This was a huge strain on our marriage. We had separate bank accounts to ensure that my credit and money was safe. He would pay me a certain amount a month to cover his end of household expenses and the rest was all his. He brought up how he was ready to finally change his ways. He hates the debt he felt so bad about it and wanted to change. He suggested using the equity in the house to pay off his debts . I was convinced that things in our relationship were really good. So I agreed to this. And signed the papers and the money was paid out . Not only were his debts paid but mine were as well. Mine was very minimal compared to his. He kept me thinking everything was fine. He kept saying how he was working extra hours to bank his over time and take me shopping for new clothes. It was something he really wanted to do. He mentioned this to me on a Monday. Wednesday he stopped talking to me. Friday I asked what was going on. He said he didn't think we were best friends aND that he couldn't talk to me anymore. And he couldn't tell me anything because he didn't know how I would react.( in all the last 3 separations this was what he'd always say) . He started saying he didn't want our daughter living in a house with two ppl who didn't wanna b with each other . Saturday he said that his supervisor said he could live there if he needed to. Since he had a place to stay arranged I knew he was planning on leaving. Not wanting to live through living with him when he doesn't wanna be together I told him to leave. I did it nicely . I all I said was leave. And he left. Our daughter sobbed on the couch as he packed his stuff. He never said goodbye to her. Never said he loved her or that it wasn't her fault and he'd see her soon. Nothing. He packed his stuff and he was gone.
He's left me with the house and all the bills that go with it. His share of household expenses was arouND $700 a month. He left me with all of it. Also the car was his. All in his name. I had no claim on it. He took it. So I'm left with no vehicle to get to my job that I just got. At a great place great pay that I liked and it's a 20 min highway drive everyday . Now I have no car to get there . I also suffer from generized anxiety disorder and I was so stresses I couldn't function at work anymore . I made a ton of mistakes. They were pissed but they knew what was going on. I was able to borrow cars for a while but that was a temporary solution. So it's been 4 weeks now. He's seen his child once . He sends money the odd time not even close to any amount to support us. I went to legal aid and got a lawyer. We had a separation agreement from the last time we had separated for 9 months but it never got filed in court before we got back together . I had to apply for social assistance to cover his half of expenses . But the stress and lack of car has Been so overwhelming that I had to resign from my job. Not because I wanted to. I loved my job but it no car to get there and absolutely no money to afford a car and gas etc I could t get there. There stress has been so much my doctor pUT me on anti anxiety meds and recommended stress leave . So now we love off social assistance.till I can heal but also find a job in my small community. We have good family's support with my family. I don't know we're we would be without them. I have so much anger towards him. He convinced me everything with us was fine l. He took all that money. He knew the situation his leaving would put us in and he left. Now he lives his care free life and has no responsibilitis because he doesn't have to pay all the bills anymore. I do. He doesn't have to raise his child. He just visits for a few hours every few weeks. I am a mess . I cry constantly. And this anger is so strong. I thought he would go back to the big city 4 hrs away again were his family is and Cuz he hates it here so much but he's staying here . I can't go out without planning because of being so scared of running into him. I should note he has never PHYSICALLY cheated. But he has emotionally cheated countless times. He starts talking to a female coworker. Starts pouring his heart out to them about his feelings , me and our marriage and he falls for them. Then he will always wanna separate but he comes back. I guess he finds out they don't feel for him as he does them. I suspect he's doing this with his supervisor. He lives there now with her and her boyfriend . But a boyfriend has never stopped him before.
He always says I am emotionally unstable . I am not. He has a terrible temper and was breaking things like lamps before we left . Usually when we would separate I would always write him an emotional letter with all my feelings etc . I didn't do that thus time. I've never said a thing to him. Never started any fights in the last 4 weeks. He texted said he wanted to see his child. I said sure pick her up Saturday. That's basically all the communication we have had in 4 weeKS. But I'm still a mess . I feel like I have lost so much. I feel stupid for believing everything was fine and letting him go with all the money I feel stupid for taking him back 2 years ago. I have no idea how I will ever be able to trust someone else. I feel so lost.
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MotiSen Wed 25-Nov-15 02:23:19

Having your trust broken like that. Whew. That can leave a hollow feeling inside, don't I know. Then, it feels almost like a weight. Like lead. I was told, keep your focus on the good things in your life. Maybe you can get back some of the equity money in a divorce settlement, but right now, you probably focus on getting through the day, right? So, your DD, your other family, and anything else that is a positive even if it is a pretty tree, because unfortunately we can't change what has already happened. It took a while to feel physically better. Best wishes. Bad things that happen don't make your life a bad life. Best wishes.

Butterfly6118 Fri 27-Nov-15 14:21:55

I am going after him for spousal support since his leaving cost me my job . I went easy on him last time. What gets me is that he burdened me will ALL of his responsibility and now he gets to live this carefree life. It's been over a month and he has seem his daughter once. He only lives 20 min away. He hasn't called to talk to her or see how she is doing or if she needs anything . And he asked to see her on a certain day of the week. But can't seemed to be bothered to visit her at all.

MotiSen Sun 29-Nov-15 00:16:12

I've explained it to my son like this, Your dad loves you, but he's having some problems. Because, children need to feel they are loved, no matter what. Additional explanation can come at some later date. Then, be thankful your STBEx isn't interfering and raining hell into your life everyday like some do. Whew. It's almost a blessing. Do get spousal/child support. It's amazing how feelings of depression can be linked to how financially precarious we feel. I got it, and it is the best thing. He was angry at first, but I wouldn't even talk to him about it. Was all done through the courts. It's nonnegotiable. Good luck. Be smart, not emotional.

CharlotteCollins Sun 29-Nov-15 00:37:28

You have started the healing process by your wise decision not to engage with him any more. All that "push you away pull you back" will have worn you down and it will take time to feel better.

Look after yourself in simple little ways. Just a walk can sometimes help me feel I can face life again. Or a nice piece of music.

Get yourself a shit hot lawyer who will fight for all you can get. It's not for you; it's for your DD.

Will he commit to a regular time every week to be with DD? Not in your house: that needs to be your space now. He has to take her out. If he will commit to it, it'll be good for you and good for DD. If not, that's less of him in your life and your DD will be fine with one dependable parent.

Any chance you can find a new smaller place to live?

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