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Help! Divorce for adultery

(15 Posts)
sempla Sat 21-Nov-15 20:30:03

My husband and I have been married for 9 years, we have two children aged 4 and 2. Things broke down about three years ago because of his mental illness. Two years ago he had a relationship with a woman whilst I was pregnant with baby number 2 but he never admitted that. He ever since has been very abusive with his language and every time we argue he is very verbally violent so in January I was going to file for Divorce on the ground of unreasonable behavior as suggested by a lawyer I met for the first consultation.

However...

Last night I have accessed his whatsapp, I found a very hot conversation with a girl in which he described with a lot of particulars when he had sex with the woman two years ago. I have emailed myself the conversation so it is safe in my account. Is it a proof of adultery? Do I need to confront him and get him to confess as well? What would you do? Would you record the conversation?

I need your help as I am furious and I know that divorce on the ground of adultery is even more favorable for me!

Please help, I will be greatful

rockabillyruby82 Sat 21-Nov-15 20:48:58

I'm not sure (so wait for confirmation who knows) but I think you have 6 months to file for divorce on the grounds of adultery. You could go ahead and apply with those grounds but he could deny it. The messages aren't concrete proof if it's just "flirty".
I would confront him, ask some leading questions, ask to look at his phone. But, again, he could still deny when given your petition.
You're basically relying on him being honest, doesn't sound like he will be.
Honestly, I'd just file for divorce under unreasonable behavior and be rid of him!

babybarrister Sat 21-Nov-15 20:53:03

The grounds make no difference in England and Wales. Choose your battles b- the divorce petition is irrelevant

sempla Sat 21-Nov-15 21:07:47

Hi Babybarrister,

I saw somewhere that for adultery the wife will get more money/property than with the unreasonable behavior. Is that true?

Marilynsbigsister Sat 21-Nov-15 21:39:32

Sorry OP, you have read wrong . England and Wales operate a 'no fault' divorce system. You do not 'get more' for adultery. Marital assets are split in a way that the court considers fair for both parties. In reality you try and sort a deal out between yourselves at mediation. If you can't agree then the court will attempt to make those decisions for you. Starting point is 50/50 .

babybarrister Sun 22-Nov-15 09:54:29

I am sorry but I am not sorry that you are wrong - we have notional 'fault based' divorce BUT in relation to money in 99% of cases fault is totally irrelevant.

We should scrap any notion of fault based divorce in my view as it is very unhelpful - people need to accept the separation and move on. And yes I have been divorced myself!

Marilynsbigsister Sun 22-Nov-15 10:01:48

As ever BB is correct. I was quoting the lawyer I saw with regard to my own divorce but he (along with most other points ) was factually incorrect but the reality is as she says. It is exceptionally rare for 'fault' to have any bearing.

Fairylea Sun 22-Nov-15 10:05:11

Makes absolutely no difference. My ex dh cheated on me and I went for unreasonable behaviour as I knew he would agree to that quicker than adultery.

babybarrister Sun 22-Nov-15 10:17:11

What the system really needs is AT MINIMUM for the two years separation by consent to be reduced to 3 months.

Spain, Oz and most of Scandi countries have total no fault divorce - we should too.

In 25 years I have never heard of any judge ever refusing to grant a Decree Nisi as they felt that the Respondent'sbehaviour was not sufficiently 'unreasonable' ....

Anything is OK - just need 3 examples, for example:

1. Does not like my friends
2. Will not socialise with me
3. Does not help in the house

The best thing to do is to devote your energies to getting a good deal on money.

I suspect that the OP is not from England - here the divorce is actually a separate set of proceedings to the money and the children is also dealt with separately

Please go and get some advice - have a look at the Resolution website to find a lawyer or PM me and I can recommend someone

DragonRojo Sun 22-Nov-15 14:30:08

In England, it makes no difference in terms of how the assets are split. These was confirmed by my lawyer this week

sempla Mon 23-Nov-15 11:25:26

Thank you all! Babybarrister I have contacted a lawyer for legal advice. It will be very tough but I need to get this done. I have enough of him

sempla Tue 24-Nov-15 16:12:13

What if I file for divorce and he doesn't want to leave? Can somebody help me with advise?

TooSassy Tue 24-Nov-15 19:16:43

OP he doesn't have to leave.

Your house is a joint marital asset and until the divorce is final, you both have every right to live there. That is unless there Is a real risk of harm to you/ your DC's in which case you could seek an occupation order.

Some people are sensible in these situations and one adult decides to leave, however it doesn't sound like yours is going to be one of those situations.

My advice is hope for the best. Plan for the worst.
Get all your ducks lined up. Know your rights. Anything important/ valuable/ sentimental value (paperwork, jewellery, passports etc) remove from the house / make copies.
Any bank accounts/ credit cards with joint overdraft facilities switch off.

Your lawyer will be able to tell you more. One step at a time OP.

sempla Tue 24-Nov-15 22:52:42

One step at a time, you are right. I don't know what his reaction would be but I am planning for the worst. I just hope he will understand the situation and he will move. I have proof that he has cheated on me so this would be quite a good reason for me to kick him out, I hope!

TooSassy Thu 26-Nov-15 07:28:09

Sempla

If you are in the UK. He could be swinging from chandeliers with a different woman every night and you still have no right whatsoever to 'force' him out of the marital home. Cheating etc. Play little to no impact on his right to be in his joint home with you. Until the divorce is done and assets divided up, he has just as much right to stay where he is. One of two things can change that.
1) he voluntarily decides to leave
2) you get an occupation order (only given if there has been evidence of DV or you can prove a risk of harm to you/ your DC's). And there needs to be real evidence for a judge to provide one of these.

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