I have nc as I need some advice please as I am feeling at breaking point and don't know what to do.
Have been with OH for over a decade, always had a very 'intense' relationship, older than me and an artist, he can be very loving but also emotionally abusive at times. He was a heavy drinker and dope smoker which caused problems but gave up some years ago as I threatened to leave him if he didn't stop. He was subsequently diagnosed with mental health issues (BPD, depression and anxiety) three years ago and is on medication and had multiple bouts of counselling. Basically he had been self-medicating for years before I met him. I have been supportive of him throughout even though it has been a nightmare at times. Family and friends and work know the basics of his condition and are supportive of me. I have had counselling to help me deal with the stress of dealing with all of this. Things have been bad recently so we are both due to have more counselling via the Nhs and Relate counselling together after that.
He resigned from his low paid p/t job when he had a breakdown and hasn't worked since and I have always paid all of the bills anyway and been the 'responsible' one. I am now relatively high earning and in quite a stressful job. We rent a house and have separate finances and debts.
We now have a wonderful ten month old son and the plan was for him to care for him full time when I return to work in the NY after a year off. However, I am now doubting whether I want this to happen.
Basically, all of the anger and resentment I had before and got over because of his not working and contributing financially has resurfaced because of his mean behaviour as well as his lazy and unfair attitude around the house whilst I am on maternity leave. He refuses to share the housework equally (views doing the laundry as excusing him from doing anything else such as cooking, washing up and cleaning) and hasn't taken a huge amount of interest in the day to day aspects of raising a baby. He likes all the fun bits but has left most of it to me. His excuse has been that it's because I'm breastfeeding. I have had to really fight to get him to do his share. When he does, I feel like he is doing me a favour rather than sharing the load and he often gets tired and angry and takes to bed for the day. To be fair, when I have left him for the day for kit days at work he has just got on with it and part of me thinks that they might be ok together when I go back to work and they can find their own routine.
My main issue is that he has a short fuse and can be hypercritical and calls me horrible names, blows up for no reason, etc. He has no control over his emotions and it is like living with child and I have to walk on eggshells much of the time. I have coped with this for so long that I have numbed myself to this reality. Despite all of this I do still love him.
I am afraid that if I try to leave him he will threaten suicide (he did this once before) and he has literally nowhere to go. He has few friends and a bad relationship with his mother.
Part of me wants to just hope that things will improve as the alternative just seems too horrendous and exhausting to contemplate, but I know that this is not a healthy environment for our son to grow up in and deep down I know that he won't change. I am also afraid that if I decide to wait and then want to leave him once he has been a house husband caring for our son that he may get custody and maintenance etc.This is a real fear now.
I just don't know what to do and the thought of going back to work is making me feel really stressed.
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Divorce/separation
Leaving OH with mental health problems and young son? Main breadwinner.
3 replies
Pricklypear1 · 11/11/2015 22:26
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