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Has My Wife Destroyed Our Family Chasing A Fantisy

(26 Posts)
Father88883 Sun 08-Nov-15 02:42:51

My wife of 6 years left me. It destroyed me. I have always put providing for my wife and kids before anything else. I am a good man and loved my wife with all my heart. I have resently got to a position were I can provide for us all very comfortably. Life was good and I'm thought we would be together forever.

It started with her saying she was moving out as we needed some time apart. Later after doing some investigating I find out she has been having an affair with a member of her family 14 years older than her and that she also used to be with him when she was 17 (he was married at the time).

To add insult to the wounds I uncovered a Web of lie after lie. I won't go into all the details but I found out so many hurtful things and levels she had gone to. Also that my money had funded most of the affair. I uncovered that she was playing some really sick mind games with me and that she can be quite manipulative. Even when it all came out she said she would tell me everything and even that was lies. It's like she is incapable of telling the truth anymore. I don't know who she has become. I wouldn't put my worst emany through this much pain let alone my spouse. I feel stupid as I had always trusted her 100%. I never thought she could be like this.

I know in her heart she really wants to be with this older man. But I don't think the feeling is mutral. I think he is just enjoying the frill of having sex with an attractive younger woman in her 20s who also regularly lends him money (he is no catch and always broke). I don't think he wants a long term relationship with her.

We have two great children Girl 4YO and Bou 9MO. She has moved 2 hrs drive away and I know being apart is upsetting them as well as ripping my heart apart. I just wanted them to have the happy upbringing I did with both parents.

I tried so hard to understand my wife and gave her so many opportunities but to be honest she is in love with this other man. I never thought I would ever say this but for me it is over. I still love her but there is too much destruction and pain. Her friends and family can see this guy is no good but she can't. Non of them can understand why she has left me. It is a mystery to us all. I am so worried that she has destroyed our family chasing happiness in the wrong place. I worry one day she will realise it's a mistake and it will be to late. It kills me what it is doing to our kids. Has she traded it all chasing fools gold? Has anyone been in my wife's shoes or can shine any insight?

wickedlazy Sun 08-Nov-15 03:18:20

Sounds like you are better off without this cheating, lying, manipulator.

You sound like you have a lot to offer the right woman. But your wife doesn't sound like the right woman. If she realises she has made a mistake one day, that's her problem! You're well rid. Can you be civil to her long enough work out custody arrangements? You deserve to see your children (and they deserve to see you) and to work out maintenence payments (I can see why you possibly wouldn't want to give her any more money, but it keeps you in the right and proves you're the bigger person). Then get a solicitor and look into legal seperation/divorce.

Your children will be happier in the long run with two seperated but happy parents, than two parents who are making each other miserable, or one parent making the other miserable. They will adjust. And so will you, with time.

AdjustableWench Sun 08-Nov-15 04:24:13

I haven't been in your wife's shoes, so I don't think I can offer any insight from that perspective. All I know is that sometimes people want things that aren't very sensible. It makes no sense for her to want to be with this other man instead of her husband, the father of her children - especially if everything was going well. She might not be able to understand it herself.

But one thing in your post stood out when I read it: you said that you put providing for your wife and kids before anything else. And only after that did you say you love her. And then you mention providing for your family again. So I wondered whether there might be something in that. I don't know your circumstances, but I have known mothers married to men who work very long hours, and they can find it very very hard to be stuck at home with the kids most of the time, hardly seeing their partner. Sometimes they feel unloved and neglected, even when their husband is working hard with the best intentions (providing for the family), and even when the couple agreed to split their time in this way.

I don't know if that's the kind of response you were looking for, and maybe it doesn't apply in your situation. But it is possible that things weren't going as well as you thought? Is it possible that while you were providing financially for your family, your wife wanted you to provide more emotionally? Did she say anything in the last year or so to indicate that she wasn't happy with family life?

I'm not sure whether you hope that it still might be possible to salvage the marriage, or whether you're just trying to understand what happened. Either way, I hope you find some answers.

mathanxiety Sun 08-Nov-15 05:02:26

Having an affair with a member of her family?

What blood relationship exists here or how is your wife and this older man related?

She has been with this person (sexually?) before when she was 17?

It seems from what you have written that your wife may well have been a victim of sexual abuse, and it probably started before she was 17.

wickedlazy Sun 08-Nov-15 05:23:30

I had thought op was talking about an in law? Aunts husband or such? Surely not a blood relative (unless cousin..?)

wickedlazy Sun 08-Nov-15 05:24:10

In law wrong word sorry.

wickedlazy Sun 08-Nov-15 05:27:14

I read it:

"I have always put providing for my wife and kids before anything else [because] I am a good man and loved my wife with all my heart"

But pp could have a point about putting physical needs before emotional ones.

DeoGratias Sun 08-Nov-15 06:47:24

I would DNA test the 9 month old at the very least.

wickedlazy Sun 08-Nov-15 07:18:40

^Hadn't even thought about that. How long do you think it's been going on..?

Moohoomeltdown Sun 08-Nov-15 07:34:13

She left the kids? Her head must be all over the place, I could never leave my DS.

Agree re paternity and also which relative??

Father88883 Sun 08-Nov-15 10:05:37

The kids are with her and that it so hard not waking up and seeing them every day. The man is a step cousin I think. So not blood but the fact he is family and still married (his wife kicked him out as he a bit of a loser) has upset her family.

The thing is I left the Forces a couple of years ago to spend more time with her as hated being away all the time. I have a job that pays very well and is only a 35 hour week. I don't even commute as I live 5 mins drive away. I ditch my Military career so I could come home to her every night and if anything I was there for her more than ever. When I say providing I mean in many ways not just financial. I would always try and make time for her and used to go away for little weekends away when we could. Making her and the kids happy is what made me happy.

She seemed to go off sex despite my advances since our first child. So not a lot for the last 4 years but not from willing on my behalf. She used to so kinky and had become boring and frigid. I thought it was strange as we always had a very health, regular and passionate sex life. I put it down to child birth and thought the dry patch end one day. So I was totally gutted when I found she was doing all the things we used to enjoy for someone else. For example I found she had bought some new outfits and wore some the ones we had enjoyed for him. Including my favourite one she wore for him on anniversary when she should have been with me. It is so gutting to see her giving him the stuff I have missed out and longed for so long to him. Sharing our special things with him and shutting me out. I know it can be a matter of physical attraction as I am not bad looking and he looks old beyond his years and most would agree hardly good looking. I know he used to have sex with her when she was 17 and was paranoid and abusive to her. I don't get it. What is his hold over her?

As to getting along I try my best for the kids but it's hard. We talk most days and in many ways get on fine (I just have to bite my tongue). She talks about coming back but I know she still with him. To be honest I still love her but could never have her back even if she wanted as think years down the line she would do it again. I just don't know what happened to my wife and who this new woman is?

mathanxiety Sun 08-Nov-15 22:54:13

A step cousin 'you think'?

How long have they known each other? How much do you know of your wife's childhood?

And how do you know what she wore when she was with him?

7Days Sun 08-Nov-15 23:01:43

I know he used to have sex with her when she was 17 and was paranoid and abusive to her. I don't get it. What is his hold over her?

That's the nub of it I think. She was young, very very young, and has almost been 'conditioned' by him. You see it a lot in abusive relationships, and because she was so young the conditioning was harder to overcome.

I feel that this is not real love but old damage which has never been dealt with. She may come to sense to some day, whether it's too late for you may be a different thing. But it doesn't seem to me she is a plain old bitch, or not just that, but a victim caught up in some sort of net as well.

mathanxiety Sun 08-Nov-15 23:24:04

That is what I am suggesting 7Days. I am wondering if she was sexually abused as a child or young teen by this older man.

Father88883 Mon 09-Nov-15 04:25:54

As to how I know the info it doesn't really mater. Let's just say I learned a few skills when I was in the Forces. It's breaks my heart to think that maybe a troubled passed has a hand in this and maybe she is a victim too. I still don't know where you draw the line at demos v adult choices. I wish I could be the knight in shinning armour a rescue her from this madness. But in reality I can't. How can rescue someone who don't want to be saved.

She has always been difficult to live with at times but I have always love her, trusted her and stood by her. I miss her much. I know people say I will find someone new and maybe I will. But I think I will ever get over what I have lost and the future we had as a family. Everywhere in my house is reminders of all great times we had as a couple and a family. It feels like I am stuck with this pain for life.

As much as you love someone I suppose there comes a point where you have to realise they are no go for you and your mental health. Would she ever defeat these demons? How would I ever know? Would any future years down the line just be a ticking time bomb till the next time?

wickedlazy Mon 09-Nov-15 17:58:35

If you think there is a chance he abused her when she was she was young, please keep in mind he now has possibly unlimited and unsupervised access to your children sad

Father88883 Mon 09-Nov-15 18:22:53

I am keeping an eye on that as it is a concern. I don't think he is like that. But the he would be about my age now (31) when she was 17. I now lots of people have relationships with big age gaps but I can't imagine going out with a girl who has barely left school. How could you be on the same wave length. I think when she talks about abuse she is talking about paranoia and physical abuse. I hate the fact that she lives so far away with the kids. I know she loves the kids but I guess I have no faith in her judgement any more. I don't really want him round the kids. He's is not at the moment. But what worries me is what happens down the line and he want to move in with her? What can I do? I have no evidence, just what she told me. I does worry me sick. With a bit of luck he is board of her now and is not after a lasting relationship with her. She has been depressed since our second child as it feels like he has pounced at her weakest moment. Of course it is her doing too. But I worry about her too. It is over between us but I still love her so much and wouldn't want harm to come to her. She knows what he is like and still wants him. How can you save them who don't want to be saved? It feels so unfair that her past is robbing her future.

Thank you all for your continuing input. It's is so hard to get my head round. I feel so guilty that I have let her down and not protected her and the kids. I would love to be in her shoes and know what is going on in her head.

mathanxiety Mon 09-Nov-15 21:26:42

A few skills while you were in the forces? hmm

I don't think you understand what people are getting at here with concerns about abuse of your wife when she was a minor. It sounds very likely from what you have said about this man that he abused her sexually when she was underage. It is very sadly predictable that he continues to be able to take advantage of her.

You need to find out everything you can about the previous time your wife and this man had a 'relationship' - for starters you need to figure out how they are related, and then you need to find out when the 'relationship' started and how long it went on, what sort of incidents do people remember.

You should be far more concerned about your children. Keeping an eye? What does that mean? How about using your armed forces skills to keep an eye on your children instead of doing whatever you did to find out what your wife was wearing while she was with this man? They are likely dealing with a man who will hurt them horribly. Stop wringing your hands about saving your wife and start finding out what sort of danger your children may be in, and consider contacting social services about the situation.

Father88883 Tue 10-Nov-15 11:23:43

I understand the concern and I share it too. But all I can establish is there was a bit of domestic abuse. That's ofcourse is a big concern in its self. The problem is that she lives so far away and I have hit an information black hole. I am trying my best to establish more information. I can't just go making accusations with out evidence. Plus it would be harder to get information if they were to know I had a concern. The problem is she has totally fallen for him

mathanxiety Tue 10-Nov-15 20:45:57

But you can find out what she was wearing?

You need to rack your brain for everything she has ever told you about the relationship she had with this man as a teen. If you have money, you can hire a PD to ferret out information about him.

Father88883 Wed 11-Nov-15 12:50:52

Thanks. All she ever told be was that she used to see him when she was 17 and he was abusive. She has a history of abusive boyfriends. You are right and I do need more information. I don't know the situation of their relationship at the moment. I know she is still obsessed by him but I think he may have got cold feet about her. But obviously he is pretentiously a danger to her and the kids and I need to find a way in.

Father88883 Wed 11-Nov-15 12:51:37

Hello everyone. Wow. It gets pretty heavy on here pretty fast. I obviously didn't know what I was letting my self in for on here.

Anyway to keep people in the loop I also had a very simular thread that I later started in the relationship section. I just felt on reflection that this one was in the wrong section. My understanding being that devorce/seperation section was probably more for dealing technicalities such as who know a good solicitor. What I seek is emotional support and may be a view of the world in her shoes. So as my relationship thread was a duplicate rightfully Mumsnet has locked it. Although I would prefer them lock this one as i feel it probably more a relationship thing. So I would just like to address some points from the last one and maybe we can continue on here.

Thanks for the segestions on how to futher protect the kids and the link. I didn't know I could do that. Although I highly supect he is now know to athourites. But yes definitely worth investigation.

Yes I have come to conclution that divorce is all I can do. One we are passed the point of no return. Two she may never want to come back anyway despite her words as her actions show different intent. Three I couldn't go through this again and I would feel I was living with a ticking time bomb.

She has the children.

My apologies for starting another thread. I just felt that I staeted rhis in the wrong section. Sorry for the upset caused.

Rest assured I don't bad mouth her to the kids. The situation is very strange. Me and EX wife talk daily on the phone. We get on a friends although it is hard sometimes and I have to bite my tongue lots. Sometimes she carries on like nothing ever happened. It's important to me to keep the line of communication open so we can show the best example of parenting we can to the kids given the situation. Also by staying friends it means I can keep a better eye on things. We intend to spend Christmas, Birthdays and maybe some holidays together. My only concern is that her boyfriend/future boyfriend won't be happy with the ex husband spending time with her and the kids and try to stop/control her. But I suppose we will cross that bridge when we get there.

And of course you only have my word on here. That is the same for every thread on here. All I can say is that I have been as honest as I can and how I see the situation. My wife probably has a different perspective and that is one of the things I am trying to get on here as I hate not understanding.

As to Optimist1 it does feel like more of a dig than helpful critism. First comet "Not liking the replies you got on your other thread?". If this was purely a critism of the having two threads the same why not just imform me that is not a very good thing to do. Now that would be a fair point. But I don't think I am not being over sensitive when I think that was a dig. Also Optimist1 has reputed the idea that this thread was the original thread. I can comfirm this is the original thread not the other one despite Optimist1 clamp this came 2 hrs after. I think Optimist1 has had difficulty understandin the 24th clock. We are all human so fair enough. I am sorry Optimist1 comments got me a little wound up and maybe I fell for the bate. Learning point here I guess is I should have just not acknowledged it. The point is I don't understand what helpful contribution Optimist1 has made to the subject? If it is not helpful or constructive then I guess that make me "a bit grumpy".

So wow. In my nievety I seem to have opened a can of worms on here. Thank you everone for your continuing helpful contributions. I am fine with helpful critism or any things that helps or challenges my perception of what's going on. But would it be out to cut out ambiguous digs that don't really give any insight or helpful contribution?

Father88883 Wed 11-Nov-15 12:53:40

Dam smart phones. In the above I ment to say I suspect he is not know to the authorities.

HelenaDove Wed 11-Nov-15 16:28:44

I think all Optimist did was express a different opinion Its not bait to do that.

Im sorry you have been hurt. You say in your first post that she used your money to "fund" the affair

What do you mean exactly?

Father88883 Wed 11-Nov-15 17:17:07

Before I had knowledge about the affair she said she needed to get away from it all and asked if I could give her some money to go away and stay in a hotel on a couple of occasions. Of course I said yes if I was going to help her. I have since found out that she was not alone on these breaks away I had funded it.

I feel like such a mug. With hindsight I can see I should have been suspicious. But I had always trusted her 100%. I never thought she would cheat on me. May be I am a mug? Makes me wonder if you should ever trust anyone 100%?

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