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Settlement - heart or head ruling

(4 Posts)
inchoccyheaven Fri 06-Nov-15 20:05:59

I have been separated from my ex for almost 2 years and feel as if still no further forward in the divorce than we were at the beginning.

I left him for someone else and as he wouldn't move out of family house I moved into rented with our 2dc. He refuses to sell the house and was trying to buy me out of my share of the equity. However he isn't able to raise the whole amount that I would have got if we sold and split the equity 50/50. I had agreed to taking less just so that it could all be over, but now he says as he has missed deadline for mortgage he can't pay for another 6 months.

My solicitor thinks as this has been dragging on for almost 2 years that I should insist he sells and pay me my equity. The house value has increased since the first valuation which means after paying off the mortgage I would have a much larger amount than I originally agreed to.

But here is my dilemma, I don't think that even with a large chunk of equity that my ex can afford to buy anything else. I also can't on my own, but my dp and I are hoping to buy a house together in the future so my money would help towards that.

I have proposed to solicitor that I would still take a lower amount now if he re mortgages and then have the remainder as a charge against the property to be paid within 10 years. He feels this is reasonable. Ex refused this the first time round and I decided to drop it as I just wanted divorce finished.

However I am concerned that ex won't be able to raise the extra money in the future either. He tells everyone including our dc that I am taking everything from him and generally makes me out to be a nasty person when I had agreed to less originally and only now asking for whole amount because he has messed me about long enough delaying divorce.

He suffers from depression and I guess I worry that this will make him much worse, but I also know I need to protect my future, and if i had remained in the house he would have made me sell to get his share.

So if you have managed to read all of this, have you or would you go with your heart which is to take less because of the fear of what he will do and put our children through emotionally, or keep practical and take the half I am entitled to as I will need it in the future even if it means he would probably end up renting. Neither of us are big earners, he is on about £25k and I am on £12k.

MidnightVelvetthe4th Sat 07-Nov-15 13:19:11

I think your feelings of guilt are intruding & they shouldn't. It doesn't matter what the reasons were for ending your marriage, they were good & valid reasons to you at the time & you are not responsible for either his happiness or his welfare. I can see that you are trying to be fair but as he is arsing about & refusing point blank to sell then I think you should take your solicitor's advice.

Its not your problem whether he can buy anywhere else or not, his depression is not your problem either & who cares what he's saying about you to people?! If they mention it you can set them straight, don't fall into the part of the Good Little Girl who wants to be liked by everyone as whatever you do it will never be good enough for him & he will continue spouting his shit no matter what.

Use your head! All the way!

MotiSen Sat 07-Nov-15 14:15:08

Concur with MidnightVelvetthe4th. Divorces that are contentious rarely end equitably. Someone is going to get the short end of the stick. Do you want that to be you and DCs? It's business.
"don't fall into the part of the Good Little Girl who wants to be liked by everyone" As for Ex's depression, it sounds as if you made more than reasonable offers, hence you aren't unfeeling. It's not your role to be the "cure" for his depression, because, you know, you can't.

Best wishes.

inchoccyheaven Sat 07-Nov-15 16:47:23

Thank you both for being nice and taking the time to reply. Midnight you are spot on about feeling guilty etc which i think is clouding my judgement. There were faults on both sides but I was the one to decide to leave for someone else.
I need to stop feeling responsible for his future as i know if it was reversed he wouldn't be reasonable.

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