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Affair - Decision Help

(28 Posts)
wanttotry Wed 04-Nov-15 14:58:48

I have been with my DH for 8.5 years married 3 I am 29 and he is 36 we have no children. I had an affair starting July 2014 during a bad patch with DH. OM is 30 years old and no ties. I separated from my husband in March this year to try and make a decision. I am still seeing the OM but still fear the idea of going completely public and completely giving up on my DH. We have not yet filed for divorce. We stopped our relationship and only spoke via text I have met him a couple of times recently to hand over some belongings. He knew of the OM before split and it counted towards the reasons we separated. My DH would like to get back together and I picture the future with him that I had always thought would be and it gives me doubts on my long term decision. He has security plus all his positives and familiarity. But I am still seeing OM and the connection and happiness I have with him is something I know if I gave up I would really miss him and the relationship. I couldn't ever go straight back to DH until over the OM I know that but my feelings sway from a long term future back with my DH and a new future with OM. I tried to do the right thing by being honest with DH and separating. I have doubts on which way to go. I keep thinking to continue with OM and I may feel like it wont work and make me appreciate my DH more - but both have good qualities which I would miss. I know I am pulled back to my DH with the thought of avoiding divorce and selling my house. But my OM brightens me up hes funny makes me happy makes me laugh and gets on with my family & vice versa. I do not get on with DH family at all. If I was to get back with DH we would have little to do with his family. I have a very small family and it saddens me how limited our family lives would be. OM has a lovely family. Has anyone had a similar situation where they left their marriage but had doubts - what decisions did you make or things did you do to help your decisions and move forward properly?

Sansoora Wed 04-Nov-15 15:02:27

Let your husband go. Let him make a new life for himself with someone who doesn't want to have her cake and eat it.

wanttotry Wed 04-Nov-15 15:16:35

I have let him go! That was the decision I made. That's the whole point - he is not hanging on and has been living his own life - if I had my cake and eat it I would still be seeing both of them! People make marriages work after affairs / being separated. I was after opinions from people who may have had a similar situation not just opinions of bitchy comments.

Sansoora Wed 04-Nov-15 15:17:31

Just ignore me then.

Secondtimeround75 Wed 04-Nov-15 15:19:37

Stability v happiness

Pick happiness , life is too short to play the long game.

Donge13 Wed 04-Nov-15 15:26:44

The only advice I have is to cut of all contact with both Dh and Om . Give yourself time to really think about what is important to you and what it is you want. Then make your decision and stick by it. No one is going to come out of the situation unhurt but you must give yourself time to make a decision. I will just say that the grass is always greener on the side that is being watered iyswim

wanttotry Wed 04-Nov-15 15:29:25

Thank you Secondtimeround75 that's pretty much what it is Stability vs Happiness - I just feel selfish choosing my happiness when I care still a lot for my DH and know he is unhappy and would do anything to get back together. I know I could go back to DH & make him happy and have a nice life I just fear my happiness long term. I think I maybe have doubts from seeing my DH again recently.

Itisbetternow Wed 04-Nov-15 15:32:40

You made a decision and that was to end your marriage as DH wasn't right and go to OM. If OM isn't 100% right then leave him and this time spend some time on your own getting to enjoy your own company. if DH wishes to pursue you then fine. However he will have to cope with the fact that you broke his trust and that is very hard to forgive.

You make it sound either / or. It isn't. If both men are not right individually then it is neither.

hangingoutattheendofmywick Wed 04-Nov-15 15:32:52

I agree with the leave them both completely for a while and find yourself comment - I implore you to read Eat Prey Love and take a break AWAY from everything. One man or another man isn't your only choice....

wanttotry Wed 04-Nov-15 15:34:32

Thank you Donge13 and your right the grass isn't always greener. My dad cheated on my mum and I hated him for it! God only knows how I ended up doing the exact same thing and I really do hate myself for it. So all people wanting to strop off about what a bad person I am - yes I know! My dad later came back and still to this day regrets his decision. I do worry that might be why I worry of my decision seeing such regret in my dad. But then if I gave my marriage a chance again could things be different after having had the separation. Its the though of what if with both situations. But I have definitely though about having time away from both. Such an annoying time of year with Christmas I don't want to spoil Christmas for OM but I am desperate to make a decision and be content with it. Thank you for comments they are appreciated.

AuntieStella Wed 04-Nov-15 15:34:43

I doubt very much that going back to your DH would bring you any form of happiness of stability. You appear to have had an exit affair, and the marriage has actually ended in all real senses.

Has something happened to bring on the combination of cold feet about new partner, and the rosy tinted spectacles through which you are now viewing a marriage that you went outside?

wanttotry Wed 04-Nov-15 15:39:07

Itsisbetternow Thank you and you are so right I am putting so much pressure on it being either / or! Maybe that what I need to take a step back from!

hangingoutattheofmywick - amazing thankyou I have been desperate to read something to help/distract me away from overthinking and constant analysing of each situation! Thank you for your comments

I think my age plays a part of the pressure - I was engaged after a year and married 3 years ago. A lot of people my age are settling down to have children and that was the path of me and my DH

wanttotry Wed 04-Nov-15 15:43:21

Hi AuntieStella thank you for replying - nothing has happened with the new partner to give me cold feet I feel that I need to start making financial decisions which make things very final with DH and its made me question things. Life with DH was he wants children very soon and life with new partner because we are similar ages the pressure was off. I'm not sure but I have been around more friends with babies recently and its made me think of my DH as that was the life we had planned.

ImperialBlether Wed 04-Nov-15 15:51:56

I would say that if you can't decide between them, neither is right. I feel for your husband - sounds like his family's awful and he's longing for you, but really if you did go back it would be very, very hard for him to forget that you left him. Years later it would come up in arguments or in his thoughts, at least.

As for your other man; well, if he was a perfect match you wouldn't have a question to ask us. He has a lovely family and that is something you want, but if he was the right man for you, you would have divorced and you would be happy now.

Perhaps take some time away from both of them and start to see other people and live independently?

Itisbetternow Wed 04-Nov-15 15:53:30

Do not let your age dictate what you do. I had my second child at 39. I appreciate that it is risky to wait to have children until later and in an ideal world we would all have children at 24 but life isn't always like that. You are still young and have plenty of time to meet new people but not while you are deciding between two men that are not right.

Nonnainglese Wed 04-Nov-15 16:00:24

You do sound undecided about both DH and OM so having time away may make things clearer - you don't sound ecstatically in love with OM. Do you envisage marrying him?

I don't think fwiw that returning to DH will resolve anything.

wanttotry Wed 04-Nov-15 16:04:42

ImerialBlether - me too his family are rubbish and don't put his feelings first and it makes me feel for him even more. I was his family. And he wanted us to make one together. I was too young and it i think caused me to panic. Not that its any excuse to have an affair i do not condone or try and make what I had done any way "OK" I'm just trying to work out what to do for the future.

Itisbetternow - thank you I do try and think this way I just worry with little family support and not having children around the same time as my friends would I end up very shut off or the family be very intensely just us... Which was the problem with DH family.

At one point I was happy to plan for children and try it was only that my body wasn't allowing it when we tried that I then had second thoughts about having children right away. I do think I settled down to young and its caused me to panic and I ran away. Which i know is still no excuse I know that. But I did end the relationship and tried to work out what was going on in my head and whether new partner is right for me.

Comments of if it was right with new partner I would be divorced already do jump out at me!

hangingoutattheendofmywick Wed 04-Nov-15 16:06:07

If you're anything like me OP you think that a man will make you happy - the book (don't even look at the film ATROCIOUS) really changed my life. It starts with her in a v similar predicament to you. Almost. I got married and had an affair (yes I'm awful too). I think so much is because my self esteem has always relied on a mans approval or attention. One day I'll go to a psychologist and find out where this came from. Now it's worked out for me and the OM but purely by accident - by us making a choice. If I hadn't dealt with my issues history would repeat itself and id continually cheat on men as soon as I felt that lack of attention. But thankfully I've learned to love myself enough. Yes I know cheesey and gross. The man I'm with now has nothing to do with my happiness. I am. Something clicked in me and I don't feel that I need fulfilling by anyone. People will say the book is crap because of the terrible film but it's amazing. X

wanttotry Wed 04-Nov-15 16:10:51

Nonnainglese - thank you

I definitely am undecided but I think that's from my recent feelings about a settled future - My DH would be perfect at all the right things an amazing dad and do anything for us / me. He wanted a family desperately. And still does with me. I have made sure I haven't led him on and tell him to move on he said he has tried and would do anything for us to give it another go. Says that he knows he contributed to past issues and wants to try again. I don't think it helps me knowing he is there and offering that life to me. And the easy life - of not having to sort out financial side of things and divorce make it even more attractive. I care a lot for my DH and feel sick at his unhappiness.

With the OM when I am with him he makes me really happy but I do feel like I am holding back. I'm not sure why!! Could be guilt, or just unsure of a future being as good as I had originally planned with my DH.

Again the comments Happiness vs Stability and lifestyle come in to play.

wanttotry Wed 04-Nov-15 16:12:36

Just like to say thank you all for commenting - not being judgmental but honest and open minded when giving your opinions I have never done a forum like this and it feels really nice to speak to other people completely on the outside.

wanttotry Wed 04-Nov-15 16:19:23

hangingoutattheendofmywick - thank you so much I have literally just bought it! I look forward to reading it. I think I'm definitely similar to you in regards for the constant need for approval / attention, I did go and see a councillor but only the once and decided I wouldn't go back as I wasn't ready - she did say in the one appointment I had that she thought my need for these things was probably down to my dad leaving my mum when i was 15 and the issues I then had with him. One day i will go back to a councillor and dig deeper but this book will be my first point of call first. I feel like the past few month I have been burying my head in the sand and hoping for a miraculous wave to come over me like "I know what I 100% want now!" which each month never happens. I have been really down recently which is why I decided to come on here to talk to people who may have more of an insight. - thank you smile

Buttercup443 Thu 05-Nov-15 18:05:46

Hi wanttotry, I understand you feel a lot of apprehension at the final hurdle of sveering ties and making the financial decisions that go with that.

I fear that your husband will in the future bring this up (your affair), men are often like this. His ego is hurt, he may want you back to prove to himself he can have you. Then once you're ensconced together a few years down the line and you have a baby or other stress factors he will bring it up or pay you back. Do not underestimate a man's sense of self being hurt by an affair the woman that he loved had.

Your OM sounds lovely but you carry so much baggage, it will be hard for him to battle through your defences.

Do not let age or a ticking body clock define you. You are unbound by children now. I feel your pain and worry, if I were in your shoes I would go ahead with the separation and set up shop on my own. From that position I would continue seeing OM and take up a new hobby or interest to get you exposed to new people.

FWIW, I also think I should mention (again) that men have massive egos. And your OM knows now that what you have done to your husband you may one day do to him! Just saying. No I don't judge you, I really understand you. I just think you are so young and you need to go expand your wings again and live on your own. Don't be afraid girl, wishing you good luck!

DeoGratias Thu 05-Nov-15 19:10:06

It sounds like you want the other man. Ify ou want security from your other half could you not get that yourself from your own career anyway so loss of the husband and his financial resources would be no huge loss as you have your own career and indeed the new man could look after any babies when they come whilst you work?

Also if you are going to split from husband do you have a property you own together and any idea how you would split your assets etc on any divorce?

wanttotry Mon 09-Nov-15 09:55:47

@Buttercup443 Thank you - Your right I am concerned that the OM would think that of me, but he says he knows its because of how he was and his persistence that it led to this. And that he could see I was unhappy. I am scared to finalise with DH it really does break my heart the thought of him hurting so much and throwing away what we had for good.

We were so good before any of this and now I have changed and I hate myself for it my attraction towards him has changed and I wish it hadn't as he ticks so many boxes, I just wish I could feel differently. I feel like i cant bring myself to be with him physically. I have been with him for almost 10 years doesn't that just happen with long term relationships and you stay with the person because you care about them and you get on? I just feel there should be more physically than how I am feeling. My DH and I have never really had a big physical relationship.

The OM opened my eyes to how important it was to have that. At first I thought that was all we were but we had a very deep connection past that. He is very different to my DH. I wish I could merge the two of them.

@DeoGratias I can keep my house by putting a family member on my mortgage and releasing his money - the majority of money in the house is mine. OM has offered to help and would ideally like to move in but again I am held back by doubt.

Its OMs birthday next week we have a lot of things planned together with family and his friends - which I know I will really enjoy as its the life I felt me and my DH didn't have. There is always so many positives to each of them. I feel guilty for being happy with OM and feel like I should stop being selfish and care for my DH and go back to that life, he would be happy and maybe with work I could be again.

I just cannot make the decision to move forward, I have been seeing the OM a long time now I know its not a fling. In the back of my mind I keep thinking I will get through Christmas see how things are with OM if I still do not have any feelings of moving forward in either direction I have to cut final ties with each and be alone. Stop dragging everything on and risk hurting both of them through my own indecisiveness and selfishness. Plus I am driving myself insane. I have shut so many people out because people think I am crazy for leaving my DH and I cannot relate to anyone right now.

helhathnofury Fri 20-Nov-15 08:17:39

I can totally relate to your situation. I met dh at 15, at 18 I fell for a guy I worked with but security was the route I chose rather than risk the unknown. Now at 40 considering separation and back in contact with OM who makes me happy -haven't met up or anything. I have wondered if I chose the other way round would I now be contacting dh and separating from the OM.

Not any help I know but I know where you're coming from. Maybe space alone for a while is the answer.

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