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So he told his family

(9 Posts)
isthismylifenow Thu 29-Oct-15 06:31:29

That after 20 years of marriage, it is over.

I have never been best friends with my mil, but I have always been accommodating, polite and what I thought was a good daughter in law. I was the one who remembered their birthdays, arranged the gifts, even a surprize party one year. They do not live near us, so often they stay with us for a getaway for them, it was me that fetched, carried, cooked, cleaned and generally let them have a bloody 5 star holiday here. Sbtxh couldn't even tell you what date his own mothers birthday is as it always be me to arrange all that.

So what was her response to him telling her:

"Oh, well really, it was to be expected wasn't it"


Not once did she ask dh how I am, did the dc know, how are they about it. I didn't expect her to be gushing about us, but for fucks sakes, my life is crumbling around me, and that is all she can come out with.

My family also know, and they are reeling in shock at the news, we were the couple that everyone thought was rock solid, our friends are just as shocked.

I don't know why this has upset me as much as it has to be honest. I have told stbxh that she can fottfsof as far as I am concerned now. I think she is more upset by the fact that her weekends away to come to us are now not an option.

I just had to write this down, just to get off my chest really.

kinkytoes Thu 29-Oct-15 06:39:48

I'm so sorry. That's really shit. I can imagine my mil would be equally unmoved in that situation. Some people are just like that no matter how much effort you put in.

It's not a reflection on you, although I know it must hurt flowers

isthismylifenow Thu 29-Oct-15 08:52:50

It's not a reflection on you, although I know it must hurt

Thanks Kinky, I just don't know why I am taking this so personally. I have been through some shit lately, I think I have become a bit tougher - and then this has just thrown me.....

And then I think that as its HIS mother, it cannot be anything that he has done wrong, so it has to all be MY fault in her eyes....

Fidelia Thu 29-Oct-15 11:53:43

What it says,is that he has been bad mouthing you to her for some time....which makes me a bit suspicious if he's been nice to you &cultivated the happily married man image until recently? Any chance there's someone else involved?

As for MIL, I know it hurts, but they mostly do side with their blood relatives. I have been very fortunate that my in-laws have worked hard to keep a relationship going with me, but I'm well aware that this is unusual.

VelvetShroudatMidnight Fri 30-Oct-15 09:51:31

Is she one of those people who cannot bear to have not known about something, so even if its come as a complete surprise she must pretend that she is so special that she knew long before anyone else that something was wrong?

Its totally natural for her to completely side with her son, basically in her mind you are rejecting her son & telling everyone that he's not good enough so her first instinct is to make you the enemy. Try not to be affected by it too much, its very normal although in time she may come to realise she was hasty. Particularly when he's on his own & forgets her birthday & she goes to stay with him & has to do the washing up etc smile

Its hurtful yes but you have other things to be getting on with, so try to put it out of your mind. Or flip it if you like, no more being a maid & cook on her visits, no more being the one who remembers everything. Find the silver lining!

throwingpebbles Fri 30-Oct-15 09:58:46

Did you hear her say that, or is that what he told you she said?

My ex family were initially very sympathetic when I left him as they knew only too well how awful his temper could be. Then a month or so later they suddenly all developed amnesia and decided I was making it all up hmm

nowitscleanugobshite Fri 30-Oct-15 10:02:01

I'm in that same situation with my ex all and her family. I know how much it hurts. I adored her kids. Me. Not their "blood" uncle but me! I have no other nephews and nieces so spoiled these ones-all through their childhood and into adulthood. When stbxh left all assured me that things wouldn't change. She and the kids loved me and my kids and would be there for us. It's two years later. I've been through hell in a financial settlement with the meanest gobshite on the planet. And sol does stay in touch.....She waits til she knows I' work and leaves a token bday/Xmas gift for kids. My niece had her first baby-I found out as my DD is friends with her on fb. I took a beautiful gift and was promised that I was her favourite auntie, she'd keep me in his life etc etc ....he's 8 months and I've never seen him again. It hurts. But I keep doing the right thing-taking the high moral ground for the sake of my kids. These people are their only family. It hurts....but it does show that blood is thicker than water!!

nowitscleanugobshite Fri 30-Oct-15 10:03:05

Not "all"....SIL!!!

isthismylifenow Fri 30-Oct-15 13:55:57

No Throwing, I didn't hear her say it.

He only told me days later that he had phoned her, when I asked why he felt he couldn't tell me, he said because he knew what my reaction would be..... yes he got that one right for once

He told me the bit about "oh to be expected etc" and then he backtracked and said, 'Oh but she wasn't mean about it blah blah blah', trying to defend her.

Velvet you hit the nail on the head there.... she is such a know it all, so maybe it was a shock to her but she had to pretend it wasn't....

Urgh, I am a few days down from the initial post now, I was so upset that day, now I am angry... yet again.... It just feels how this is how it is all the time now, get hit with something, get upset and then process it and then I am angry. So either I am upset or angry all the time these days.

It doesn't do well for ones spirit, that I can tell you.


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