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can I move 4hrs away?

(25 Posts)
2wenty2wenty Sun 25-Oct-15 14:25:04

Divorced two years, live in London area. DCs see their dad full weekend ever other weekend. My parents and friends are 4 hrs drive away. I really want to move closer to my parents. I don't have huge support network where I live currently and it's starting to get me down. The work I do is internet based so I have no issues in that regard, the children would benefit from being near cousins and their grandparents, schools are very good, I feel it would be a better quality of life for them and me, there would also be the added bonus of being able to live mortgage free so I'll be under less financial stress. Just dreading telling the XH. I know he will hit the roof, and understandably but what can I do/say to lessen the blow? I'd be happy to meet midway for drop offs, and/increase time spent with him during school holidays, introduce more Skype contact, but even this I think won't be enough to escape his wrath.

antimatter Sun 25-Oct-15 14:28:43

What if you have to make full journey every time because of his job or fuyure life choices?

2wenty2wenty Sun 25-Oct-15 14:37:58

Could that be ordered antimatter? That would be really difficult for me to do, not something I would agree to. Halfway point, yes. The only thing keeping me down here is his proximity for 2 night contact every 14 days. He's free to move wherever he wishes and I would have no say, I wish I was to.

Minime85 Sun 25-Oct-15 15:04:46

I can't see problem if you say it just how you've said it here about increasing contact in holidays Skype etc. I don't see how he can stop you moving . You are willing to meet half way. I'd talk to him about it. My friend moved with her daughter to Spain. Ex tried to stop her judge wouldn't agree and she just has to bring her back her so many times a year.

sofato5miles Sun 25-Oct-15 15:14:06

Definitely offer more contact.

antimatter Sun 25-Oct-15 15:17:05

I think I read on MN that happening to some residential parents.
Maybe go and talk to a solicitor before talking to your ex.

2wenty2wenty Sun 25-Oct-15 15:27:48

I did speak to my solicitor about a year ago when I first considered the option. She maintained that like minime mentioned I am free to move wherever I wish, as is he, that he cannot stop me and whilst he may take me to court the judge is unlikely to rule against me moving, as it is not out of country, especially if I highlight the benefits it would bring to the children's lives. I didn't mention my compromises to her at that time either, is this a recent thing then antimatter?

NaughtToThreeSadOnions Sun 25-Oct-15 15:40:31

Well you can, and I was coming on to say but you'd prosably be unreasonable to do so without considering your children's feeling, and I said children's. But your compromises seem very reasonable.

I would think being ordered to drive the whole distance would probably be at the end of a process of trying to find compromises, which you have already offered up.

I would think if you'd sell the positives more holiday time, more indepence, children being in good schools with supportive grandparents, be willing to work with him which you sound like you are. It should be fine!

2wenty2wenty Sun 25-Oct-15 16:00:19

Thanks naught, I hope you are nervous about telling him.

antimatter Sun 25-Oct-15 18:06:23

I can't give you exact dates but I haven't read about it very recently.

I can imagine him getting very upset. Maybe mention it to him as a possibility and let him get used to this idea instead of saying - I am going to move. Let him think about it and do negoitations when there are few distractions.
Also your kids will spend 8 hours being driven back and forth. Missing on birthday parties, activities at weekends etc.
Also is it 4 hours door to door and do both of you have car?

bjrce Sun 25-Oct-15 20:06:32

Antimatter made a very good point.
Have you thought about how your children would feel about being in a car every second weekend for 8 hours round trip on their weekend with their dad.
Also, missing out on their activities
Would there be a possible option of the dad having somewhere to stay on his weekends to cut down on travel for the kids, although judging by your account of him, he's hardly going to agree to that.
The main people to consider here are your children and you, if your ex only has the dc 2 days every second weekend, I think his needs comes last in so much as if he decided he wanted too move there isn't one single thing you could do about it.

SurlyCue Sun 25-Oct-15 20:09:48

Of course you can. The children can live with their dad and you could come get them every other weekend.

VimFuego101 Sun 25-Oct-15 20:16:09

You would likely be responsible for the majority of the transport since you chose to move. Also, the kids may choose to stay with him or he may choose to go for custody, or obtain a prohibited steps order to stop you moving. How old are your children?

babybarrister Mon 26-Oct-15 20:15:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babybarrister Mon 26-Oct-15 20:17:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arcadia Tue 27-Oct-15 18:18:39

The main issue is the change of school, because you both have PR you can't do this without his permission or a specific issue order from the court ( am a family lawyer! )

Arcadia Tue 27-Oct-15 18:19:01

Sorry PR means parental responsibility

babybarrister Tue 27-Oct-15 20:55:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyndaNotLinda Tue 27-Oct-15 21:02:12

So even though the OP has her kids for over 80% of the time, she gets no rights over where she and they live?

Does the fact that the ex only has responsibility for them every other weekend not matter?

How completely crap. If the OP was getting a bit more of a 50/50 deal I could understand it.

Fairylea Tue 27-Oct-15 21:03:50

I did exactly this. However my dds dad was not so involved and only saw her every other weekend because of his parents pressuring him so he wasn't that bothered! However I did keep to my half of the deal and we did half the journey each - so I'd take her on a Friday and he'd bring her back on the Sunday (a round trip for each of us). What I will say is be careful how you set things up now as in the future if challenged the court is likely to agree to stick to what has been the status quo (my dds dad tried to make me do both journeys after a while saying that it was up to me as I was the one who moved, the court disagreed as we had been sharing the travelling for a year before that). Ironically now dds dad has moved thousands of miles away to the USA ! He has dd for half the summer holiday now.

sonnyson12 Tue 27-Oct-15 22:40:42


It would be 'completely crap' for the children to effectively lose a parent due to one parent's rather weak and selfish reasons for moving them four hours drive away from their father.

Fairylea, I think the only relevance from your own situation to this case is that it is doubtful that the OP, if successful, is likely to commit to the travel in the long term.

I agree with babybarrister, Arcadias advice is suspect (as they are a family lawyer!).

Duckdeamon Tue 27-Oct-15 22:44:47

8 hours round trip every other weekend is an awful lot for DC, especially during term time and if the journey will be by car. They could get very tired, unless your ex is willing and able to travel to your new town and find somewhere suitable to stay. We do a similar length of trip for other reasons and I wouldn't want the DC to do it that much.

sonnyson12 Tue 27-Oct-15 23:00:27

Why on earth should a parent have to make an 8hr round trip and find a suitable place to stay in order to accommodate the OP's selfish desire to be closer to friends, cousins and to not have to pay a mortgage?

Would the OP be willing to pay for the travel and accommodation expenses?

I suppose having a virtual 'Dad' via Skype would satisfy everyone's needs.

OP, why do the children only live with their father 2 nights per fortnight at present, is there a history of litigation?

coffeeisnectar Tue 27-Oct-15 23:10:21

Dps ex moved and there's nothing he can do to force her to share travelling. Since he's out of work (injured in an accident) and he lost the house to her in the divorce (she has considerable disposable income, a partner, mortgage free house and they have two incomes) he can't afford to do the two hour round trip twice in a weekend very often. Exes answer is he can phone her (phone ALWAYS goes to answer machine) or Skype her. Because that's a suitable alternative to actually seeing your child.

She's now stopped contact completely.

sonnyson12 Tue 27-Oct-15 23:14:14


Has your partner ever happened upon the delights of the family court?

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