First Christmas looming after Separation: Need Advice(5 Posts)
My children and myself really enjoy Xmas once it is here. We traditionally have spent time with my family, my ex & his family culturally doesn't celebrate the festive period. My ex also dislikes Xmas. His ideas of Xmas are sitting drinking and watching TV. I have in the past organised every Xmas including presents, wrapping, attending carol services with my children etc etc. My ex has ruined many a Christmas for me with his complete lack of interest - last year being the worse. We are now separated and I want to go and spend Christmas with my family who are 45 miles away and stay for New Year - so do my children. I haven' t spoken to my ex about this yet, but I know he will kick up a fuss and want to have the children for part of holiday. Any advice?
If there are no legal implications can you not just go and do it? The way I see it as you are now separated, relationship is over hence you have no loyalty to him any longer. So unless there are legal implications I would just do what I want - seeing as your kids want the same why not go ahead?
(However my world is very black and white, I understand that everyone doesn't think as simplified as me, but sometimes this is what is needed).
Why don't you suggest to him that you take the children away this year, and then he does next? That way you have compromised.
This year my ex is having our daughter (first separated too - might even be divorced by then
Iliveinhope ) and then next year it's my turn.
It's important that you are up front and honest or you will be opening a whole can of worms. The usual orders made by courts if parents cannot agree is alternate Christmas. You would like the children this year so expect he may want them next. However, in my experience, I have known some fathers to be of the view that children should always be in their own home at Christmas (the court would not take this view) so it does depend family to family.
Consider opening the conversation now. Something along the lines of "I know you enjoy time with the children and don't really enjoy Christmas and (not but) the children and I do so this year, we'd like to do X. How can we make it work so that the children do see you at some point during that time? A court would ordinarily like to see some contact over the festive period if he doesn't agree. Remind him that next year, he will have first refusal on having the children.
It's best to resolve this now because leaving it will cause stress for you all.
Im a year further down the road than you and last Christmas was our first separated after 25 yrs.
I thought I was coping fine we'd been separated most of the year and it was me who wanted out .
Anyway my lesson learnt which I appreciate is personal to me and may not work for you is this ::: we love Christmas so much and like you kept all the family traditions which makes Christmas special .
That was the first big mistake for us .
I woke up Christmas morning usually a very positive happy person and all I felt was like a huge foot was on my chest . What had I done ? Where was daddy ? I suppose even he had never been nasty on Christmas Day so I suddenly felt a huge hole in the day .
I'm probably a little too keen to keep things amicable so ex was sat in my bedroom with me Xmas morning watching the dc . He knew all they wanted was him there all day above anything material . That was the day I realised he had a gf because he really hurt us . He'd only known her a few weeks and he literally peeled the dc off him who were crying for him to stay and disappeared for the rest of Christmas .
It was so hard staying strong that day for the dc.
My parents were more than useless and left the kitchen when they saw me having a brew alone to gather myself .... turn a blind eye at all times .
Dc were mortified as he has promised them he'd be there all day .
I was reeling with the unexpected realisation that it really hurt knowing he was with another woman even tho I didn't want him .
Anyways it was a disaster for us and I didn't go back to work for 8 weeks ( not one to take time off at all normally but I just hit rock bottom ) .
Anyway my bf who is a rock and gives great advice sat me down and what she said I will try this year .
She said my mistake was trying to keep everything the same .
She suggested that I write down all the things I love about Christmas , all the things we normally do and then write a list of new memories we could make together .
This year I'm really looking forward to making new memories and new traditions . It's exciting and the future is what I make it .
As for the ex I shall make plans without him Christmas Day as the parent who looks after the dc 99% of the time .
He is welcome to spend the entire day with his GF .
I expect we will do something Christmassy a few days before as a family and he will have them for a few days after , we are fine together now .
Honestly don't feel too daunted but enjoy making new memories .
I was able to talk to my dc a lot as they are 22 19 12 and 5 so the eldest are like my best friends and between the three of us we will ensure the younger two have the best time this Christmas !
Make plans and just be prepared to compromise a little if he asks to see them on the actual day ?
Good luck .
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.