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Know I need to divorce but worried I may open up a can of financial worms

(4 Posts)
thinkingmakesitso Wed 21-Oct-15 06:41:16

H moved out in summer 2014 after telling me about over 2 years of infidelity and then lying about not seeing her anymore. He was sahd, though both dc were school age by 2013, so he had no income or savings of his own. He never had a career and is a so-called writer, musician, very occasional teacher of EAL. I work f/t as a teacher and now earn a good salary, yet when we were together we ran out of money each month, had a couple of credit cards totalling £8000 being paid at minimum amount and no savings. He was in charge of finances - not because he insisted, but the whole thing scared me.

Since he left, I am so much better off. I get a small CT award but also now have a car loan we didn't have, yet the credit cards are down to £3000, I have saved for a holiday and now saving for another and have plenty of money left each month. I don't know why, I really don't - he wasn't extravagant in an obvious way, but there it is.

He left insisting he wanted nothing and has so far been true to that. Accounts are still in joint names but he has given me his cards and never accesses them. He comes here everyday before and after school to care for the dc, though I think he is starting to tire of the early mornings, and he comes here to see them each Sunday. He takes them to his mum's for a few days each holiday, but til now has been saying he can't afford a place of his own big enough to take them. He now seems to think this may be a possibility. He never gives me any money for the dc, and buys them nothing apart from the odd toy or meal out on a Sun.

I want closure, but I am scared of being forced to support him in some way and my comfortable lifestyle (which makes up in some small part of the immense heartache his actions have caused me) coming to an end to be replaced with stress and penny-pinching.

There can only be about £35000 equity in this house. After fees etc I may have enough for a small deposit but he would never get a mortgage as he has never had a regular job (even now he temps and doesn't do it if he doesn't feel like it) so his share would be gone in rent within a few years. Should the dc lose their family home for that?

Selling it when youngest is 18 sounds fine to me, but would a judge agree? The fact that he is entitled to half my pension makes me sick, but I guess that is not worth worrying about. My other worry is spousal support - would a judge really take money form two children to give to a grown man? He does have MS but it doesn't stop him working.

If I had to pay out to him each month and if he stopped doing the childcare so I had to pay that as well, things would be pretty tight, and I resent that thought. But I know we can't stay in limbo forever.

Sorry it is so long - desperate for advice!

Choughed Wed 21-Oct-15 06:50:49

You need a lawyer. But I can tell you that he is very unlikely to get spousal maintenance.

VelvetShroudatMidnight Wed 21-Oct-15 14:39:11

I agree that you need proper advice, it should stop you worrying if nothing else. See a lawyer or maybe the CAB smile

You need to get the bank accounts in your name only. If you think it will cause difficulties then simply open new ones in your name . Separate your finances as much as possible.

The lawyer will also tell you if he should be making child maintenance payments to you (my ex had to give me £10 per fortnight of his benefits) & maybe you should think about finalising the child access. They should be able to tell you about spousal maintenance & pension sharing on divorce.

DivorceAlchemist Wed 21-Oct-15 22:36:06

Before going straight to a lawyer, try family mediation(I say this as a former lawyer). You can deal with financial disclosure in mediation so you will see where he is at financially. Yes he will be able to see where you're at too. There is your pension to consider and spousal maintenance does go both ways. His health is relevant. However, the court will be most concerned about your DC. You will feel a whole lot better dealing with your situation rather than speculating. Whomever issues the petition is obliged to see a mediator anyway. He may qualify for public funding and if so, you will get your miam and first mediation session free. If you go straight to a lawyer u less you are able to get 30 mins free, you'll be paying straight away. You can use a lawyer whilst you mediate and it will save you time and money.

Good luck smile

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