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A year on-any advice?

(11 Posts)
Newtodating Sun 18-Oct-15 21:21:45

Hi all,
Bit of advice needed - xh left over a year ago now,leaving me with 2 young children.he parents in a completely different way to me and I'm wanting to drop to EoW next month-have been seeing dad mid week for tea every week and 1 night 1 w/e, 2 nights the next due to my work up until now.xh not keen and doesn't seem Ds is either.
Dd (4) seems to be adjusting ok but Ds (7) very much a daddy's boy.always seems to come back unsettled from xh and still says thing like I wish you and daddy were back together etc.takes at least a day to get him back into routine with me whenever he comes back from xh.

Xh parents differently to me,no focus on education,doesn't seem to positively reenforce what I'm doing , for eg. Going on a once in a lifetime hol soon that xh was never keen on and now Ds who has previously been excited about it says he doesn't want to go as he's going to miss daddy. Also ds has struggled with anger issues which me,do and pastoral care are trying to give him techniques to learn how to deal with it whereas xh is trying to encourage boxing lessons etc.
Any advice how to move forwards?xh refuses and has refused from the beginning for mediation etc.
Tia.

Newtodating Sun 18-Oct-15 21:23:00

Dp not do!

TooSassy Mon 19-Oct-15 07:34:17

Morning OP

I feel for you. My DC's are similar ages and I am struggling a little with similar settling issues with my eldest when the DC's return from being with their dad. He returned them yesterday overtired having let them stay up late watch sports. That meant that the whole day yesterday they bickered and fought. It's frustrating to say the least. It appears I am the one all about healthy home cooked food, education and getting to bed on time. They go to his to have fun. I can already fast forward 5 to 10 years and hear my eldest saying he wants to live with my STBXH.

Sorry didn't mean to thread hijack, but I just wanted you to appreciate that you aren't alone or doing anything wrong. This is really tough.

Here's my advice.

Re parenting styles, you have to let it go. If your ex is anything like mine, if I have a go about the late nights, he'll do it more just to piss me off.
As long as your DC's are safe, let it go. I'm doing the same. Also, let's face it we don't have all the answers/ a definitive manual on good parenting. Different can be better.

Re the boxing, I actually think that could be really healthy for your DS. At a good martial arts/ boxing club, the instructors will instill excellent discipline. And talk about acceptable/ unacceptable behaviour. This may not be a bad route to help your DS with anger management issues.

Re the refusal to attend mediation. What reason does he give? How do you plan to divorce if not using mediation?

TooSassy Mon 19-Oct-15 07:39:24

Oh and re the holiday. If it's your dream holiday take your Dd and let DS stay with his dad. It's exactly what I'd do in your shoes.

Your DS wants a reaction from you. Don't give him one. Shrug shoulders, say 'ok, do you want to stay at home with your dad?'. And genuinely mean it. If my eldest did this I'd refuse to let him take the wind out of my sails re my dream holiday. Realistically at this age, the thought of you and your DD going away and having fun with him may override the 'I don't want to go'. My DS I know would end up saying I really want to go.

He needs to appreciate that he (your DS) cannot push your buttons. Oh and by the age of 7 he absolutely has some concept of how to manipulate you if my DS is anything to go by.

BertieBotts Mon 19-Oct-15 07:46:50

I wouldn't be massively keen on boxing either TBH - could you suggest karate as a half way meeting place? But speak to the pastoral care teacher- it might be that thee are positives to boxing in that situation. It's not a totally outlandish suggestion even iv it isn't what you or I would choose. At least it shows he is concerned and looking for ways to help him, which is great!

I think 7 is too young to give him a choice about the holiday but I wouldn't make a big deal out of persuading him. If you let him choose and then he chooses not to, he'll feel really left out.

Newtodating Mon 19-Oct-15 11:28:43

Thanks too sassy.thankfully we are already divorced - instigated by me on grounds of unreasonable behaviour which he didn't contest.has refused mediation from the beginning.
Prior to last night ds was saying he did want to go on holiday - he's been really excited about it - just typically after returning from dad saying he didn't want to go. I wouldn't dream of leaving him behind- I know he'll have a great time once he's there.have spoken to exh about it and he says he has been positive about the hol with Ds.
Not sure what to do about the access - think EoW and once in week is what will work but neither xh or Ds are keen to alter it from what it is now.

Newtodating Mon 19-Oct-15 11:31:22

And this morning he said he does really want to go just that he will miss daddy (have said he can ring/email him when we're there). He's also said that he's happy that he gets to speak to the pastoral care teacher again today as can say things to her that he wouldn't feel comfortable sting to me or xh as doesn't want to hurt our feelings.

Newtodating Mon 19-Oct-15 11:32:33

And thanksBertie - although xh doesn't see it as ways to help him just he himself has done boxing since being a child.and I agree re the holiday.

TooSassy Mon 19-Oct-15 18:29:35

Op. If I've read correctly you're not getting any full weekends with your DC?

That's your reason for insisting on this. Say to your DC's that you want one whole weekend to do something fun with them. Overnight trip (even to friends house for sleepover). At least one weekend a month. Start with that.

Does that help?

Newtodating Mon 19-Oct-15 22:36:52

Yes toosassy that's correct - int he beginning this was necessary due to my work commitments and also I was struggling with the kids all week by myself and welcomed a break at the weekends-different now summer hols are over and they're both at school and we're trying to establish our new life and routine.

BertieBotts Tue 20-Oct-15 07:56:19

I think courts tend to go for every other weekend plus one night midweek every week, if that would work as a starting point.

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