Down... Please read if you can

[Homely1]

I have posted before...the issue is with child contact of my toddler DC. Separated H wants DC every weekend... A day one then the whole weekend the other. DH has been so flakey not wants this then returned demanding his rights. Solicitors involved.

So I said that need to introduce DC to this as DC not had alone time with him. His response was ok but he still wants what he wants is every weekend... How is this fair? Does he not see that DC will not have a whole weekend with mum?

I am finding it really difficult to accept that it is ok for DC to stay elsewhere for the night.

[DivorceAlchemist]

Homely1 there are no hard and fast rules but generally, if the court were asked to make a ruling, children will spend every other weekend with the non-resident parent, half school hols when children are of school age, every alternate Christmas and mothers/ Father's Day . That kind of thing. Each parent can expect to enjoy a complete weekend where you are free to make plans with children. How quickly this happens depends on the age of the children and their level of attachment to the non-resident parent. For example if an absent parent who hadn't seen their child in several months or years suddenly wanted overnight stays, that wouldn't be ordered. Contact would need to develop over time at the child's pace.
Try mediation as a way of discussing this. You might qualify for legal aid and it's very supportive.

Good luck

[Minime85]

I don't see why he should have scored every weekend. Alternate yes and then maybe a night in the week but not every weekend. That's not fair on child who deserves that time with both parents

[Homely1]

Thank you... I feel scared

[MidnightVelvetthe3rd]

I haven't seen your other threads Homely, sorry :)

He is being unreasonable & your solicitor should be able to help you with this. Does he actually want this access or is he trying to punish you & using the children to do it?

(If it helps, my ex & I have alternate weekends with them so we both have a weekend with & then a weekend without, we share most holidays & one of us has them for Christmas one year & the other will have them for birthdays, then the following year we swap so we each have an equal 'share' of birthdays & Christmas. We don't live near enough to each other to do weeknights)

If he has them every weekend its massively unfair, it means that you ahve to do the heavy work of getting them up/getting them to school/getting homework done & you end up with none of the relaxing happy times.

The important things are that your ds is safe with him & that he will keep to the arrangement. Are you able to be assertive with him & say no? What he is proposing is in nobody's best interests but his own!

[Homely1]

Thank you so much midnight. That's exactly how I am feeling. I'm so down at this thought. I will be saying no but am concerned that a judge (if it goes there) may grant this as there is a little distance also for midweek.

How do you cope with DC even being away?! DC is so little.

[TooSassy]

Homely

He can ask/ demand this as much as he wants, it's unlikely he will get it. As many have said here. EOW is the norm with some midweek also.

There is also a potential compromise you could put forward.

How about 1 day a weekend 2 weekends a month. One whole weekend with him. One whole weekend with you??

Homely, why are you so scared? As you said solicitors are involved, surely yours has told you what the norm is? He can ask all he wants, I can guarantee his solicitor is telling him he is unlikely to get it.

Re spending time away from the DC's. It's an adjustment. You have to plan something to do (take up a new hobby?) when you don't have your DC.

[Homely1]

Thank you. I'm scared, I think, of the Unknown, of a judge going against the norm. DC also very young so overnights really make me worry. It seems so unnatural. DH family awful and DC would be in their midst. I also hate it in my head that DH will get what he wants-he's always been emotionally abusive.

[tinkerbella55]

Hi Homely, if it is any comfort I too have a toddler (& one on the way) & am not at all comfortable w my ex having him even for a full day (so far overnights off agenda) - due to major lack of care & attention, amongst other things. He currently sees him for around 1.5 days each weekend (he can't do weekdays due to work) but no overnight. Makes big difference to me, & my LO I think, that he sees him in old marital home (where I am till we move nxt yr) so I am around. I am dreading overnights in future (I agree feels v unnatural when so young to be away from Mum/primary care-giver). I can deal w 1.5days per wkend (even tho 2x 0.5 days wld, I think, be btr for my LO) as no overnights just yet. I was advised to try everything to keep ex even just a little bit on side to try & influence him re contact arrangements. So so hard to do this & but it feels like my best hope. Also in my case, I know all different, I am thinking once ex feels comfortable I am not intending to prevent contact he may be less rigorous about time he wants to spend (he's not actually hugely interested in my LO most of time - think may be more a thing of feeling important to him to get this contact in at moment for guilt/tick box/fear/control over me etc reasons). In future when situation is established & new partners, friends, hobbies etc etc come on scene he is hopefully not going to want to have this responsibility each wkend. I hate how hard it is too.

[Homely1]

Thank you. How have you managed to not do overnight? And how comes he is happy with you being there so far? It is tremendously hard

[tinkerbella55]

He did suggest overnights at wkends starting nxt yr (all discussions only btwn us so far, no solicitors re kids), I said flat out no, too young. I was lucky he didn't challenge as technically he is entitled. Tho I am also entitled to raise many neglect issues I have been documenting if it comes to that! We have only been separated 3 months so early days. I am trying to prepare myself for future overnights but find prospect so terrifying (different if he was a capable, interested dad). He is staying w friends an hr away so can't take LO to his (this will change nxt yr when he is in own place). I so often wish the months away thinking each month as kids get older his lack of care etc will have less impact/be less dangerous.

[Homely1]

Yes I know what you mean... Mine is rather unbothered yet he just wants DC and I'm supposed to be ok!

[DivorceAlchemist]

Homely1 your thoughts and fears are completely normal. Be kind to yourself. You are going through a huge period of transition and it will get easier. I promise. Letting go of your little one is hard, and, they are more adaptable and resilient than we often like to admit. Your DC will cope well if you do. So, what can you do to support yourself with this process? Well, the first thing is to relax as much as you can about it. Recognise that how you feel is normal. Begin to put plans in place to manage your time when your DC isn't with you. Do something that you don't get chance to do otherwise. Begin to think about the positive aspects of not having your DC with you all the time because there are some when you really look. If you continue to really struggle with this, perhaps some counseling may help. Sometimes we get mixed up with the fear of being alone ourselves with the fears of our little ones having time with the other parent. This too is a normal response but if this happens it makes it harder to let go. The court will also move at your DCs emotional pace not yours so seek support of you need to keep up. You're doing great so be kind to you!

[Homely1]

Thank you...