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Separated in my own home - does it get better?

(10 Posts)
positivo Mon 05-Oct-15 08:45:46

Last Monday - I finally told my husband for the third time I wanted a divorce and manage to mean it. I have a daughter 16 and son 13. I run a small business but my fees run to £100's not £'000's like my husbands. I am 'lucky' enough that we have a spare room and I'm sleeping there and have now been able to move a lot of my things into it. God it's awful, every day he pleads with me to reconsider ( no-one else is involved after 22 years together I've finally seen how EMOTIONALLY abusive and controlling he is) he is devastated and so are the kids but they are leaning on friends and seem to be OK -ish. We are all up and down. Yesterday we had a blazing row but on the whole we are trying to sort this out on a friendly basis....BUT last week he asked me NOT to tell any of our friends -then went and told everyone incl all of my girlfriends - some of whom he then met for coffee! He also asked me not to fire the gun on a seeing a solicitor - then I found out he'd been to see one - even though he'd lied about it he finally admitted it, now he won't talk finances with me until I've seen one.

I am scared, I cry a lot, some days I'm OK and feel strong, others I worry terribly about our future. Overnight I've lost half of my so called friends as no-one will talk to me and no-one has made contact - which makes me feel like a pariah (I don't think I'm a bad person but now I'm beginning to wonder...) but these are the couples we used to see a lot of. he's told everyone first so I don't know what he's said - he can be quite dramatic. I now don't know who to trust - so I've clammed up - some girlfriends are suggesting coffee and now I'm worried that they'll tell husband things so I don't open up. I am seeing a counsellor which is helping. I'm off to see a solicitor who has been recommended but they don't offer a free consultation to begin with so it's £235 and I have no idea how I'm going to pay...
Don't know what my final question is - just needed to let some of this out I suppose.

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 06-Oct-15 13:24:06

My first thought is he is trying to control you by asking you not to see a solicitor and not to tell your friends.
I found the separated, but living in the same house period awful. Once we were living apart it began to get a bit easy. I found I had to be a little bit careful what I said with mutual friends, but still meet and had coffee.
What really helped was I took up a hobby I had always wanted to, but ExH had put obstacles in the way. For me it was joining a choir, the physical singing helped get rid of some if the emotion and improved my mental health. But the most important thing was I made new friends who only know the single me which is hugely helpful.

Greypaw Thu 08-Oct-15 17:55:55

I have to say, the separated-while-living-together bit was when the abuse was at its worst. Having spoken to Women's Aid since then, they've confirmed that this is quite usual - as they feel control slipping away, they try harder to get it back. As Lonecatwithkitten said, it got better when we were living apart. He upped the abuse another notch, but at least I could close the door against it.

By the way, friends can be surprisingly insightful, despite what they're being told elsewhere.

positivo Fri 09-Oct-15 09:47:54

Oh wow. Thank you - Greypaw and Lonecatwithkitten - so this is 'normal'. He has notched everything up massively but still thinks that I will re-consider. He denies being a bully (I haven't said emotional abuse - the abuse from that would be hideous) but he is still belittling - mocking my words and phrases and trying to tie me up in knots. We are trying to get an estate agent around but he won't agree a time. I am trying for mediation but think that perhaps collaborative lawyers would be better as he is a very strong character and I'm scared I'll end up with bugger all. he started a 'discussion' last night just after the kids went to bed about that fact that I was deluded if I thought I could cope financially on my own with the kids (we have agreed 50/50 custody...) and he's 'worried' about his kids - but done in such a way that they could hear and subsequently worry about what he was saying (they are 13 and 16). I know and believe everything will work out. I'm not saying it's easy but I am determined. he just poo poo's my attitude and stamps on anything I say. Then this morning he's all lovey and "I need to get it off my chest" and cuddly. Grrrr. I know I have to maintain a balanced life right now, and I am further down the line emotionally than him so I'm trying to understand but this is driving a bigger wedge. He doesn't seem to accept that I really mean it and that I am leaving - he still thinks I MUST have had an affair (I didn't) I am scared and felling worn down but I am not giving up. I was beginning to doubt myself (again) but this abuse makes me realises he can't change despite what he says.

Lonecatwithkitten Fri 09-Oct-15 20:41:11

Positvo if you are concerned about him manipulating a settlement collaborative lawyers are probably not the best option either. You need someone who is totally and utterly on your side, so your own solicitor.

positivo Fri 09-Oct-15 23:08:50

I am so beyond anger and emotion. I feel drained. He told me tonight that all the things I've said I've experienced simply lying ,have not happened. That I'm in some weird place right now. In fact he's the one who feels victimised right now because of everything I'm saying now and my 'hormonal behaviour' over the years. But he stayed with me because he loves me and the kids, bless. Not that he'd ever consider that just occasionally it was him. I've taken my rings off and don't think I can even cry now. I just want this over and done with so I can move on. These 'discussions' take place nearly every night just before bed and after he's had a few drinks (I've stopped drinking) sorry. I need an outlet and at least here most of you haven't had an invitation to have coffee with him!!

Darcy24 Sat 10-Oct-15 00:22:27

Oh dear, I'm feeling for you. I have just moved out with the kids, and those 'discussions' every night were one of the reasons! Totally unbearable! Have you seen your solicitor yet? Mine wrote my H a letter after our first meeting asking him to move out of the family home. He then mentioned it in every subsequent letter. So when I finally moved out with the kids it wasn't a shock to H. Is there any possibility of forcing your H to move out? It took me a long time in planning to be able to move out.

But ideally you wouldn't be living together when it comes to discussing the finances. A common controlling tactic is delaying everything, so it could take a really long time to sort all that out.

Well done on being brave and getting to where you are already. Throw everything you've got at it to keep going.

Have you thought about doing woman aids Freedom programme? I found it so good to meet a support group every week. It was the only thing that kept me moving baby step by baby step towards divorce, because many times it seemed too immense, and easier on my sanity and health to just roll over and continue living like that.

iHijinx Mon 12-Oct-15 10:54:59

I agree with the others. He is feeling WAY out of control and is trying to manipulate the situation to his (perceived) benefit. My love, I'm in exactly the same position. I came to this site today to find out ways to tell my babies without hurting or damaging them and I found your thread.
It seems we are spare room sisters!
You must stay strong. Have you been to a counsellor? I would strongly suggest you go and see someone for support. Get a good lawyer too - my H has been caught out hiding a significant amount of money. Also read this:

en.wikiversity.org/wiki/Living_With_a_Narcissist#A_light-hearted_look_at_narcissism_.28to_offer_comfort.29

NPD is horrible and it took a barrister to point it out to me. It was shocking to read - I thought someone knew my husband and wrote it about him! We have had every conversation from "I will do anything to get you back" to "there's no way I'd ever have you back even if you wanted to". He is going through all manner of avenues to try and get control during our discussions. He starts with reason and love, moves to anger, then - when I'm crying - he will tell me all that I have done wrong and how he can fix it for us. So super manipulative but I see the wood for the trees - I feel freer, like a big piece of frosted glass has been removed from my vision.

Please do not feel alone in this. Don't let him get you down. Remember, a discussion involves two people - if you don't want to be part of the (negative) discussion he will lead you down - get up and leave the room. It's scary at first but you can do it.

As for your children, don't let him get the opportunity to put a wedge in there. Be the calm supportive parent. Be the rational grown up and they will see it - they might still be upset but keep telling them things will be better, and they will be ok. Your children need to hear reassurance. They will see your husband for what he is. Bullying should never be tolerated. Lord knows I've put up with it for too long!

You deserve your happiness. You have put your own light at the end of your tunnel and I applaud your brave move.

Keep strong.

Z

Richywalters12 Tue 13-Oct-15 22:58:58

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

positivo Sun 24-Jan-16 16:49:19

Oh my iHijinx That was a very funny link - sorry I haven't been on here for ages but have just been to the police to report him (newer thread) as his abuse is escalating and I'm worried about how far he would actually go... sad

I hope your world is improving steadily x

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