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treacherous wife and no sexual equality

(24 Posts)
silversam12 Sat 05-Sep-15 10:30:45

The scenario is that a wife chooses to have an affair with husband’s best friend. She then decides that she wants the totally inoffensive, non-violent, regularly employed, child loving husband to leave so she can move her new boyfriend in. Husband can’t stand the atmosphere so moves out and stays with relative nearby in cramped conditions. Wife changes the locks to the house and puts husband’s belongings in the shed. He still pays the mortgage (because of the kids) and a couple of other bills. He now has extra bills like rent, electricity etc to pay as well. Wife now living with new boyfriend asks for more money from husband and when he doesn’t have it, she stops him seeing the kids. Husband checks all of this out and it seems that because the wife has kids, she automatically has all the rights in the world to act in this manner and he can’t do much about it. Nothing has changed for the wife as regards accommodation, job, kids, money, (still drives husband’s other car) man about the house etc.etc. The husband has had his whole life shattered. Extra money to fork out, no regular contact with kids, etc.etc. It seems that the principles of sexual equality are non existent

PosterEh Sat 05-Sep-15 10:34:50

He could get regular contact if he took her to court.

IAmNotDarling Sat 05-Sep-15 10:38:04

I think this is about you but your a detaching yourself by writing it in the 3rd person.

I think you need to see a solicitor if you haven't already. If she is preventing access without good reason then you can apply to get access via the courts. You could try mediation first but you do need legal advice.

You will also need to reach an agreement about finances.

Have you thought about counselling?

NotDavidTennant Sat 05-Sep-15 10:41:09

If this is for real, the person in question has been very badly advised. He needs to see a solicitor.

Alfieisnoisy Sat 05-Sep-15 10:48:05

Definitely needs a solicitor right now, she cannot withhold contact. Iwould go as far as to say miss a months mortgage payment to get the ball rolling re legal help. Might wake her up a bit if she receives a letter regarding missed payment.
Also if the husband's name is on the mortgage she is acting illegally by changing the locks and not giving him a key afaik

MidnightVelvetthe3rd Sat 05-Sep-15 11:09:28

Sorry to hear this SilverSam.

Get some legal advice, the house is half yours & the car may be fully yours. You don't have to tolerate whatever she throws at you, make sure you know what legally she can & can't do & maybe get more assertive, the whole moving your ex best friend in as a boyfriend made me shudder! Also ask your solicitor (or the CAB if you see them) the amount of child maintenance that is acceptable & the position of who pays the mortgage. I know you want to keep your children as stable as possible but that doesn't mean you have to roll over for all her demands.

How old are the children?

Do you have friends & family for support?

silversam12 Sun 06-Sep-15 12:34:58


silversam12 Sun 06-Sep-15 12:38:54

Thanks to you all for your great and helpful advice; and yes, this situation is real unfortunately. It's not easy to take action in the early days because it messes you up a bit but as the anger sets in, more can be done to retaliate legally.

Thanks again.

Bellemere Sun 06-Sep-15 12:41:20

Do not "retaliate". That mindset will just end in tears. Get good advice and act reasonably.

silversam12 Sun 06-Sep-15 12:44:13

It seems that when a woman in this situation does things which are 'illegal' the only recourse is to take them to court at great cost (access to the house) £2000!!. As I said originally, there is no equality in this situation.

MidnightVelvetthe3rd Sun 06-Sep-15 12:44:23

Anger can be a very good thing sometimes, it drives you forwards. As long as you can let it go afterwards that is smile

If you need to talk or are struggling emotionally silversam, then do post on the Relationships board, its much busier than in here & you will get a lot of support & honesty there wine

Best of luck

Branleuse Sun 06-Sep-15 13:09:08

youre acting like a mug. You dont have to pay her mortgage

featherandblack Sun 06-Sep-15 14:12:45

How dreadful. You need proper legal advice at once. You don't have to put up with access problems on top of everything else!

silversam12 Tue 08-Sep-15 08:32:34

Thanks again for your advice. I have acted on it and solicitor advises going thro the divorce process. That may be the best way to go but also costs about £4-5000. Makes you sick especially when you aren't the guilty one. It's only when you are involved in this thing that you realise the inequality of the system and how it is loaded against men. Someone said the law has no gender; but that isn't true in the real world.

HermioneWeasley Tue 08-Sep-15 08:41:20

Bollocks is the law loaded against men

I am very sorry for the situation you're in, buy try being a low/no income woman fleeing a violent partner or trying to prevent an abusive ex having contact with kids, then tell me the law favours women

You are responsible for conttibuting for the children you made. If your wife gave up her career to care for the kids and impacted her earnings she will also (rightly) be entitled to spousal maintenance for a period. If she can earn and you have kids 50% of the time, you may not need to pay anything

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf Tue 08-Sep-15 09:18:24

No this is you finding out, as many hundreds of thousands (millions?) of women have, that the law has certain expectations of people and doesn't legislate for every iteration of cuntish behaviour that people can come up with.
You think you're the only one who has ever been shafted? Really?

It's a shit situation but you have to accept that she's not going to meet you in the middle without legal action. This costs money, such is life. Why wouldn't you want to get a divorce?
All the women left high and dry by men behaving far less well than your wife are a figment of our collective imagination are they?
This is shit, it hurts, it's a grief and you will be angry, you aren't alone in that.
But you're a fool to make the argument you do and it undermines what you're saying.
I know bitterness is generally not advisable but in the early days of course you'd feel bitter towards your ex. But keep it to the ex - it's not woman kind's fault that your stbexw has behaved abominably and legal fees exist.
While I understand your anger your argument immediately made me think 'I wonder what her side is' because it doesn't make you come across well and made me hope you don't have daughters.

You need to start seeing legal advice and legal action as an investment in the long term future of you and your children. Not abstaining as you shouldn't bear the cost as it was her fault. I'd say that would be a Phyrric victory but it wouldn't even be a victory.
This has nothing to do with being a man and your claims are baseless because you haven't actually engaged in the legal system properly have you? What other recourse is there when anyone does something illegal man or woman? Bizarre thing to say. Sexual equality in this situation doesn't mean you get some privileges as a man because your wife has done illegal things as woman or can embark on some legal retribution for free, it means when you go to court you both get fair hearing and a judgment not based on patriarchal tropes of caregiving but in the best interests of the children, that division of assets is fair based on marital assets and, again, the interests of the children. It means you are both reminded of your responsibilities as parents to your children.
They aren't going to punish her for you for being a bad woman. So sorry.

BattlestarSpectacular Tue 08-Sep-15 09:24:21

Applaudes Bernard Well I was going to come on and say that but I could never have been so eloquent.

silversam12 Tue 08-Sep-15 09:33:21

Thankyou I will take a look

StormCoat Tue 08-Sep-15 09:34:29

Bernard has said it. OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you, and that you're obviously in pain, but you haven't actually even begun on the legal route, so it makes no sense to fulminate about the law discriminating against men.

However, I'm also concerned about your use of language - you seem to be suggesting your 'treacherous' wife is 'guilty' in law, and to be hoping the courts will allow you to 'retaliate', and you have an entirely inaccurate view of law as woman-favouring. I'm hoping this is your anger talking, not you.

Ironically, if you'd seen a solicitor far earlier, you would have been advised against some actions and expenditure, and would have court-mandated contact with your children.

silversam12 Tue 08-Sep-15 09:39:24

This is a non domestic violence situation, and I am sorry to hear of the problems you are having. This is a case of a woman breaking up a marriage for her own ends. There is no problem with accepting that child maintenance is due; the mortgage is being paid in lieu of that at present. The fact that a woman can do all of the things mentioned and then withhold access as thought she is innocent of anything atall is one sided. She has now bought a new car!!

StormCoat Tue 08-Sep-15 09:45:57

OP, it's shit and it hurts, and it's appalling when it happens to you, but most marriages that end - and a lot of marriages do - don't end because of domestic violence, they end because people have affairs/get bored/fall out of love/grow apart. You need to sort out your finances, and try to differentiate between the enormous hurt your wife has caused you, your continuing joint financial responsibility for your children, and her position in law. Where she isn't going to be 'punished' for hurting you. She has committed no crime.

peggyundercrackers Tue 08-Sep-15 09:46:21

If you are named on the mortgage you have a right to stay in the house, you don't have to leave. If the locks have been changed and you can't get in get a locksmith out to change them so you can get in. Stop paying any bills for your ex.

Finola1step Tue 08-Sep-15 09:49:57

The law isn't loaded against men. But if you are the primary carer of children, then the children usually stay in the family home with said parent AFAIK. It doesn't matter if the primary carer was the one who acted in a way which caused the breakdown of the marriage.

I really feel for you. The situation is shitty. But you've had very good advice here. As I would say to any poster in your position, male or female, get angry. Don't get revenge but get angry. Use the anger to make sure you do what you have to do to do right by your dc and yourself.

And as for this new man. Any man that's happy to be the person who helps break up and marriage and then moves into the marital home that the husband is paying for...that's no man. There's a special word for a man like that. Cocklodger.

lunar1 Tue 08-Sep-15 09:54:22

Move back in! You are subsidising you ex friend to live with your wife and children. If it's a joint mortgage get a locksmith in and return to your home.

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