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'Amicable' Separation - 3 weeks in and already at loggerheads

(9 Posts)
LabradorMama Thu 27-Aug-15 13:05:24

I'm just looking for some advice really. As above, I am 3 weeks into a supposedly amicable separation from DS' dad and things have turned nasty. We initially agreed that I would have DS all week and XP would have him at weekends (I work PT for XP and hours are flexible, I can do them when he has DS) This worked for the first weekend and was ok last weekend, though XP put pressure on me to do stuff as a family and I ended up eating there one night and staying over.
This weekend we had agreed to have a family day on Saturday at XP's insistence. He called this morning and seemed to have assumed that he would have DS on Monday too as it's a bank holiday, including overnight. I countered that Monday is 'my' day but he could have DS until 4.30pm, when I would collect him and bring him here (I'm staying with parents until a house is sorted - XP is in our ex 'family home') I wanted him here overnight because he starts his new nursery on Tuesday so I didn't want to be rushing around in the morning, getting all his stuff together and bringing him back - it's a 30-40 min journey.
XP then kicked off in fine style, saying that I was unreasonable and selfish and DS needs to spend more time with him as I'd had him 5 nights during the week.
So as not to drip feed, one of the reasons we separated is that he always put work before me and DS. He's seeing more of DS now than he ever has!
I asked him calmly not to shout/name call but he carried on so I said if we can't agree this between ourselves with a degree of flexibility then we will have to go to court and get things set in stone. You can imagine how this went down. He then said he will sell his businesses and properties and fight me for custody.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable - I thought I was offering up a good compromise but he doesn't see it that way. I've called off our Saturday 'family day', which I wasn't really keen on anyway, and now he says I'm being petty and cutting my nose off to spite my face.

Is there such a thing as an amicable separation? We agreed at the beginning that we'd still like to do things as a family - days out, holidays etc - so that DS doesn't miss out. Is that a completely ridiculous idea?? Do we just need to get through this difficult stage at the beginning where he's still raw and hurt? We haven't yet discussed a settlement or maintenance and I'm dreading it.

GotABitTricky Sat 29-Aug-15 21:43:24

Seems entirely reasonable to have DS back at tea time Monday , especially to get nursery stuff.together for kids first day Tuesday. Text him that is reason and he may come round to that reasonable idea once he has slept on it.

Seems it best to get access written down by a lawyer to avoid issues.

Berthatydfil Sat 29-Aug-15 21:55:19

You can't do family things if you aren't in a realationship any more that's a mistake. Your ds is entitled to a relationship with his father and you should really aim for 50 50 and any agreement must be in ds interests.

petalsandstars Mon 31-Aug-15 17:29:01

I'd be wary of him mucking you about with work too. Any chance you could get a similar job somewhere else?

NewLife4Me Mon 31-Aug-15 17:36:27

I would look for another job and sort out childcare. No way can you continue to work with or for him.
He has unfortunately lost family days as you are no longer a family and if he needs this formally agreed then you have no alternative but to go to court.
He can't know what he's talking about as he is talking about custody which doesn't happen anymore.
Let him sell the businesses he can pay you your percentage of the profit.
I think you need legal advice and quickly.
keep a copy of any texts he sends you.

Yellowpansies Tue 01-Sep-15 16:52:58

I have a pretty amicable relationship with my ex, so it's worked for us. We did think at first that we would still do occasional family things together, but in reality that hasn't happened much - I didn't want to much at first as I needed to get my head round not being a couple, then ex got a new DP who wasn't happy with it, and tbh now I don't think either of us feel any desire to do stuff together. But clinging onto the idea that we might probably helped us both very through the initial split.

Do you think your ex is fundamentally a reasonable person who's just struggling right now with all the changes? Or is he likely to pick fights fit the sake of it?

I'd suggest a middle ground to court/flexibility and work out a precise rota for when DS is with each of you, with drop off arrangements and times clearly agreed. Then the flexibility comes in the form of one of you asking for a change for whatever reason, and the other parent should try to say yes as much as possible, but has the right to say no.

My ex's relation with DS improved dramatically after we'd split up as he realised he needed to put don't effort in. Somewhat annoying that he didn't do that before but was nevertheless a good thing.

JanetBlyton Tue 01-Sep-15 17:13:58

Are you married or did you just live together?
Is his business a limited company and do you own shares in it and are you a director?
Is the family home he lives in in join names with you and him?

Griphook Fri 04-Sep-15 21:35:11

You need to look for another job to have a bit of stability.

I would look at how long ex has actually had ds on his own, sounds like he wants you there to support him making contact easier.
No more family says out, sounds like you are being roped in to do the donkey with.
Let him have ds and deal with all the un Disney dad stuff that's not so fun

ywnbu about the Monday either sounds to me like he's trying to makes gis presents felt

Griphook Fri 04-Sep-15 21:35:19


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