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where to begin?

(5 Posts)
u751904 Thu 06-Aug-15 20:31:04

I am about to take the first step and arrange a meeting with a solicitor to enquire about a divorce. I've been unhappy for about seven years and problems before that so I am sure that divorce is the way to go but I am feeling overwhelmed with the practicalities and trapped financially. I live away from family (we both do). HAve one daughter who is 10. Mortgage - joint. Basically without going into too much detail I am looking to file on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. His job has created havoc with the marriage, it is to be fare all he has ever done, but after daughter arrived I was hoping for a change and asked for things to be done differently. 9 years of pleading have resulted in no joy. He is a singer in a band. Irregular hours, irregular money. He stays at home I work all the hours. The lack of contact with my daughter especially in the early years when she was ill made me bitter towards him. I wanted to see her more, work less. I couldn't. This combined with the job 'issues' against a family setting made me wish I'd never entered into this marriage. He usually works weekends or evenings. rehearsal etc. Unpaid work, work away from home with little support. He is also secretive about money.

My first question is do you think that the issues above would constitute unreasonable behaviour? I think / hope so.

I simply do not love this man any more now after all of this but that isn't grounds.

The difficult bit... He has developed a very very close relationship with my daughter. He basically brought her up in the sense he did the traditional role. School runs, home during holidays. So he has been mom. My daughter is also very like her dad in personality and interests. Of course this will probably change as she gets older and I hope she will be more interested in her mom. At the moment he is overprotective especially since he knows the marriage has ended.

divorce will hurt my daughter, but I have got to the stage where I feel ill - depressed, been to dr etc. really wish I could die sometimes.

I think if he moved back to the place we both come from with my daughter so his family and my family could support them, she live with her dad it would be better for her. They can help when he is on tour etc. I can travel there at weekends.

I don' t earn a lot of money and have no savings.

I don't think we'd have enough equity to split the house sale 50-50 and both manage to buy locally. But if one moves to a cheaper place this could possibly work.

I hate the thought of it but I do think he will be so difficult if he doesn't have primary care of her as he as created this role already.

has anyone else come to the conclusion their child might prefer to live with their father?

it is not the norm I guess, and I am expecting people will think it is shameful. But the role has been reversed since the start - so is this illogical?

Obviously I haven't discussed this with either of them yet.

Minime85 Fri 07-Aug-15 17:01:58

Hi there. It's definitely best to go to the solicitor and take as much info as you can about finances, savings anything like that.

I think your post sounds like you have thought everything through very hard and have come to that difficult decision not only about the divorce but where your daughter would live. If he is to be the main carer then he would more than likely be entitled to more of the house proceeds. And have you thought about maintenance that you would need to pay if not a 50/50 split of time?

Divorce is tough. If you can be as amicable as possible it is best for dc. Confide in RL friends if you can. It helps to have someone I only told two people.

Newbrummie Fri 07-Aug-15 17:15:42

I think you might be surprised. I'm not saying she couldn't live with her dad but she certainly couldn't have so far without your financial and practical support. He wouldn't give up his lifestyle for you so what makes you think he would for her?
I think I would move with your child to where you will receive most support through all this, get the house on the market and then he can decide what he wants to do next.
Be quite assertive and make this happen, I dilly dallied for three years for various reasons, trying to be nice. It's bitten me on the arse big time.

millymollymoomoo Fri 07-Aug-15 19:50:08

i can see that you are thinking of your child and what is best for her, but maybe she might actually think you don't want her or are abandoning her?

Others are correct in that as he will probably be seen (at the moment) as primary career he could stand to receive more than half of any assets, especially if you earn more (however limited these are)

When the situations are reversed, fathers don't usually get every weekend so what if you can only see her every other weekend, for example? Do you think her dad is a great role model, will he support her at school, to do well, have aspirations etc etc If the answer to all is yes then maybe it would be in her interests to stay with dad, but I mean this is in the nicest possible way but it sounds like its your depression talking. I expect that once you are out of this soul destroying unhappy marriage you might feel differently and find that you really want your daughter with you.

Think carefully

Newbrummie Sat 08-Aug-15 14:55:48

I think when you are down/depressed you really need representation as the judge said to me do not let the truth do you harm, you do need to tread carefully

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