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What do I do?

(6 Posts)
GcRose123 Sun 02-Aug-15 16:55:20

Today 16:29 GcRose123

Hi. I'm looking for advice. I want to divorce my husband of six years. We have no kids together. I have one child from my first relationship though. Age 16. Basically I've had enough of his mental abuse, the name calling, and his hitler approach to my child who he upsets regularly. I've told him I want to separate and why. He said you can't afford to live my yourself. I hold a full time job but I have quite a heavy mortgage and joint debts. So I'm thinking he's right! I can't! Since I've said I want to separate he's ignored me completely.
What I basically want to know is where do I start? Do I need to get a solicitor and sell the house? Do I stay but if he moved out I can't afford the bills? Thank you x

RedDaisyRed Sun 02-Aug-15 17:12:15

if he moved out and he earns more than you do he will probably have to pay you spousal support for you and he may have to pay something towards his step child if it has become a child of the family which he has supported. that might mean you can afford to stay in the marital home.

What a lawyer would do is start by adding together all assets you both have and all debts. When you do that sum you then know the joint assets. Then if there were enough money to do this split that 50/50. If as is more likely that would not be enough to house the child with you and given this probably not a "short marriage " (where you are put back to where you are when you both started in financial terms) then you might well get more than 50% of those joint assets.

Is your income enough to allow you to take him off the mortgage? He might well want to buy another place so will not be keen to stay on the mortgage. I remortgaged in a huge amount to pay out my ex husband (he earned a lot less than I did) on our divorce but that's usual - usually the husband earns more.

In terms of sequence of events once you know where you stand legally you then get your lawyer to write to him or you write to him saying you are divorcing for unreasonable behaviour and sending him a draft petitoin for comments within say 7 days. If he does not comment then you issue that petition but do not go to decree absolute until you have an agreed financial settlement which the court seals - a "consent order" or else if you cannot agree it then the court makes the order on money/finances. Once that is all done if the order is you stay in the house then you can get him out by court order if he refuses to move. We stayed in the same house for the 7 months all that process took.

So you need to look at the numbers really - who earns what, what each party needs, if his step child is a child of the family (by the way could the child's real father not pay or does he already?).

GcRose123 Sun 02-Aug-15 19:29:38

He hasn't moved out. Basically I'm living down stairs and he's living upstairs. He earns twice the amount I do. In fact he's a very high earner (often thrown in my face) Why would he have to pay towards a step child? He also had kids from a previous marriage and I can't afford to pay towards his children. I can afford the mortgage but this would leave me little to live on. He has said he will look for alternative a accommodation but then he won't pay the mortgage so I'm going to have to to keep a roof over our heads. When that happens is another story though. My daughters real father pays maintenance and is very supportive.
So would you say get a solicitor? File for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour (which he will deny) ? Xx

RedDaisyRed Sun 02-Aug-15 22:32:08

It's always good to get a solicitor. I'm one although not in this area. Even if you just pay for half an hour of good advice it is worth that so you know where you stand initially.

On why should he pay for a step child if that child lives with you (which your child does but his don't with you) that can be counted as a child of teh family. In fact I nkow a man who sent his 2 step children for £60k a year to Millfield school and on the divorce had to continue to pay that under the same rule.

No one can stop an unreasonable behaviour petition - it is virtually divorce on demand in the UK. You just have to cite examples like is difficult to deal with, irritable, etc the kind of stuff anyone could find in any even happy marriage.

i earned 10x my ex. if he earns double you then he might well have to pay something towards you after the split.

You should also look at if the mortgage lender woudl be prepared to move the mortgage nito your name solely - if your income is enough to support that level of mortgage and also if you could release equity from the house (if there is any equity in it) in order to pay him off some share, whatever that might be that you agree between you or he may want to stay and buy you out of course.

midnightvelvetPart2 Wed 05-Aug-15 07:49:05

He's trying to control you through finances OP, don't let him! Balance a better standard of living/nicer house/more things etc with the ability to live a calm & happy life without him. Its not all about money. He's trying to scare you & make you believe that you can't survive without him. Which clearly is untrue!

Legal advice is a good place to start, he does not get to dictate what happens with the marital home & it could be that you sell it & you buy a smaller place for you & your child.

You can file for divorce on whatever grounds you like, you don't need his permission or approval to divorce him & it doesn't matter if he denies it.

Its scary to actually do, as its a fear of the unknown & sometimes it can seem a bit like better the devil you know. But its not OP, the effect on your day to day life & on your happiness will increase so much once you have stopped living like this. Once you have legal advice then you will know where you stand & have a better idea of what he can or can't do. You will feel more in control & more prepared to make the leap.

TaraG23 Thu 13-Aug-15 12:10:19

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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