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Help? Need Advice on staying or not.

(5 Posts)
Diamonds0pearls Fri 31-Jul-15 14:22:17

Hi everyone, this is my first thread on here. I'm just not sure what to do and could really do with some advice. I want to explain a little bit first, sorry if it's too long.

Husband and I have been married 4 years now and we have 2 little ones (7mo and 2yo). I'm so heartbroken and confused right now because I really just want what's best for my kids. We're young parents (I'm 22 and DH is 24). I guess we got married too young. I was only 18. Wasn't exactly my decision as I wanted to wait but but no one really gave me a choice.

I moved here from Canada after getting married. Didn't really know anyone here and DH was in the middle of a Law degree. We had our first whilst DH was in his final year. He didn't exactly treat me the best. I waited and tried talking to him about it to see if he'd change and if he'd work on our relationship but I never got any real results.

I was also alone in raising our kids as he likes to just tell me what to do or discuss what to do with little of the doing on his part unless I ask and even then it just depends. He's better with them now I suppose.

He used to ignore me a lot and during his final year of the degree he totally ignored me unless he wanted sex or to talk to me about his day or this girl at his uni that he claimed to have no feelings for. He has also sexually assaulted me and I'm not sure how many times because I sort of just gave up fighting him off after the first 2 times. Even now I'm scared to say no even though he says he'll never do it again and will stop if I say no. I guess I'm just trying to say he's been abusive towards me, He's never hit me or shouted at me though. But he has pushed me down on beds and pulled me and such. He agrees to some of the things as being seen as abusive but says he just needs to understand it more and that there are too many misunderstands. If I tell this stuff to anyone he gets very upset that I've told other about his weaknesses and that he wasn't able to give his side of the story.

Before our second I thought we had worked things out and stuff was getting better as his mistreatment of me was getting better until I got pregnant again. Just after the birth of our second he had to apply for training contracts so my mom came to stay with us and help with the kids. He started ignoring me a lot again and went back to talking to that girl from uni. He was abusive and I gave up fighting and on our relationship. I went to Canada with the kids just for a little break.

While there I ended up kissing an old friend who really helped me see everything clearly. I know it was wrong and I should have stopped it but I guess I didn't. I also was even stupider and told DH about it all. DH now claims that because of this friend I can't see him changing and so he made ne stop talking to my friend. DH says he's self reflecting and just wants to treat me and the kids right and live together happily. I came back here to his house (btw we live with his parents now in one bedroom). He now gets upset and stuff if I try to talk about leaving again. Says he'd found God and prays a lot. Tells me God says reconciliation is best so I should work on that. That if I leave it would be because of that other guy and I would be putting a wedge between him and the kids. That i'm jus running away. His treatment of me is better but I can't help but feel like I want to leave. My parents aren't a great help and I have no where to go here in UK. My mom just tells me to stay until she can come get me or to convince him to let me leave.

We all come from a muslim background btw so I don't know if that really even matters though..

Any advice please? and sorry for the very long post!

financialwizard Fri 31-Jul-15 14:34:17

Are you trying to say that he raped you? If he raped you then you need to get the hell out and report him.

financialwizard Fri 31-Jul-15 14:35:19

Sorry, practically speak to womens aid, shelter, GP, Police, anyone who will help that is confidential. I am sure someone will be along who can give you the full run down of who to seek help from and where.

Good luck with it xxx

Diamonds0pearls Fri 31-Jul-15 14:43:46

Yes he did but I don't want to report him because of all of the family stuff involved and I don't really have proof of it either.
Thanks I'll try contacting them, I've just been really scared as I feel like I'm making a mistake leaving.

thelonggame Fri 31-Jul-15 20:25:24

OP, you don't have to feel you have you stay in an abusive marriage. You and your two children deserve better than this.
You don't need his permission to leave, but I can understand how hard this is for you in a foreign country with no family. Do you have friends you can talk to?
As previous poster said you can call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and they will help talk you through your options.
Another suggestion is to go to your local Citizens Advice Bureau, they offer free confidential advise.
Just remember that even if you talk to these agencies it doesn't mean you have to leave your DH, at this stage all you are doing is getting more information about your choices. flowers

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