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Is this unreasonable?

(16 Posts)
Sweetsecret Tue 28-Jul-15 22:53:50

Hi I want to put get some advice on whether or not this request for my stbxh is unreasonable or not.
He left me four months ago, and now I am looking to get back into work having given it up when my DD was born she is now (5) DS (2), so I was a SAHM.
Obviously now it is just me and the kids my priorities have changed and will be looking to start back at work within the next year.
my ex works quite far away, and is out of the door at 6 am and back at 7pm, so I have been fully responsible for the care of the children during the week since they were born.
Due to me needing to go back to work, I said to my stbxh that he may need to get a job in our home town as now we are co-parenting I will need help with school/nursery runs etc as it will be too much for me to manage alone as I don't drive so it's a little more complicated than just quickly dropping them off, plus I feel it's not 100% my responsibility.
He thinks I am being totally unreasonable.
To be honest even if he hadn't left me, this may have had to have happened when I returned to work anyway.
Is this an unreasonable request on my part? I just don't know.sad

nameschanger Tue 28-Jul-15 22:57:58

Yes, as useful as it would be to you, I don't think you can ask your ex to move jobs. What he does has nothing to do with you now. So in that respect you're being unreasonable. However, he needs to suggest a compromise that works too in favour of your children.

Sweetsecret Tue 28-Jul-15 22:59:35

He doesn't have a compromise though, he just expects me to do it all and work, then he comes and sees them at the weekend.sad

nameschanger Tue 28-Jul-15 23:04:04

This sounds hard on you, I'm sorry.

Maybe don't suggest he moves job...why not tell him he's responsible for getting them to school/nursery on X days and ask him how he plans to do that.

nameschanger Tue 28-Jul-15 23:05:23

Are they very young. Can you organise a third party (childminder?) to take them and ask your ex to financially subsidize that?

Bubblesinthesummer Tue 28-Jul-15 23:05:24

Unfortunately you can't insist he changes his job. Although obviously you both have the children in common, what he does work wise etc is nothing really to do with you.

Sweetsecret Tue 28-Jul-15 23:07:50

Yeah, I even asked if he could take some flexi time to do a couple of drop offs in the morning each week, but he said he could maybe do it once in a while but not all the time.
Looks like I really am being left in the lurch the raise these kids alone.
He is obviously happy being a weekend dad.
Urgh, makes me mad that I have to do all the drudge of the mid week stuff and he gets the fun weekends. sorry I am ranting now.sad

Sweetsecret Tue 28-Jul-15 23:10:39

I am not saying I have a say in what he does work wise, I couldn't care less, but I think he needs to be more available to help with his own children and the problem is he works two hours away.

Sweetsecret Tue 28-Jul-15 23:13:02

They are 2 and 5, so a childminder at this point won't go down well with my 2 year old he is just too young, but maybe in six months or so.
My Stbxh is not in any position to pay for a child minder, he doesn't even pay maintenance at the moment as he says he is paying off debt and saving for a new place.

sleeponeday Wed 29-Jul-15 00:56:00

Wait, what? He can't contribute in caring for the kids because he's working, but he can't pay for the kids because he's skint?

Contact CMS. He pays. If your childcare problems aren't his concern, his money problems aren't the children's.

textfan Wed 29-Jul-15 01:02:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlpacaMyBags Wed 29-Jul-15 01:38:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mojo17 Wed 29-Jul-15 02:38:15

Ditto the above and also why does he get all the weekends?
You should have some fun weekend time with them too you know

millymollymoomoo Wed 29-Jul-15 09:01:19

Ok, so main priorities are:
Sort out regular defined access (which does not mean he has them every weekend) Go for every other weekend - he collects from school/nursery/childminder Friday and drops back to you Sunday evening and one evening midweek - again he needs to be responsible for the school pick up and arranging care as needed.

Agree maintenance - if he wont agree, contact CMS - you are entitled to this and he should be paying (not sure of exact % with all the new rules but it will be around 20% of net income) The fact he is saving up for things is not your issue. You need this even more if you have to work and incur childcare costs

Are you currently going through a divorce? if so, you need to make sure you get a fair settlement that takes into account the children are mainly with you.

your 2 year old will be fine with a childminder - many many children have childminders/nurseries and do very well. It might take a little settling in but will be fine

It would be good if your ex shows some responsibility but as others have said you can't force him to have the children - however, no way should he get them every weekend for just the fun bits - that needs to stop.

millymollymoomoo Wed 29-Jul-15 09:02:54

oh and you need to learn to drive - can you look to do that?

lifebeginsat42 Wed 29-Jul-15 09:30:41

As difficult as all this sounds now, it is not impossible. A local childminder who has contacts with a local nursery may work well.

What exactly are you living on at the moment if he's paying no CM? Assuming you're on some benefits you can work out how adding a part time job would affect your various benefits at

You really do need to see a solicitor as it sounds as if he's telling you what's going on and how things are going to be and you're just going along with it.

It'd been 4 months now and I guess you're not going to get back together, so it's time to stand up and make sure you and the kids get what you should. I know it's hard but you need to do it for them.

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