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Separation & Access

(6 Posts)
Cecily0 Sat 25-Jul-15 13:10:14

Me & my partner seperated earlier in the year. I had been unhappy & felt like a single parent for many years, he had shown minimal interest in us as a family & minimal interest in the children. I found out he had been having an affair with a work colleague during these years and I asked him to leave. He refused to leave unless I agreed to shared parenting. I flatly refused on the grounds of his lack of interest for so many years. I have dedicated my life to my children, taking 4 years off work, on return to work, I worked hours so I could do school runs and be there for them. It is me that has been there for them every step of the way. He refused to leave until access agreements had been arranged & I reluctantly agreed in the end for the children to stay with him 2 nights a week. He currently has them one night in the week & a day&night at the weekend. They are also due to stay a week with him over the Summer holidays. Although it breaks my heart they are not here with me, the children have settled into the routine and are happy to see their dad and happy to be back home with me. I know that this is the most important thing that the children are happy, however I can't help but feel totally bereft without them and worry constantly. He recently told me that 2 nights isn't enough and has threatened to get a court order for more access. I'm so angry with his threats after is lack of interest for many years, also my children in September are entering a critical year in primary school, they are doing well in school & i'm worried if he goes through with it what harm this could do the children. I think under the circumstances of the separation I am being more than reasonable. Any advice?

Morganly Sat 25-Jul-15 17:03:06

The norm with you being the main carer is for him to have them every other weekend and one night in the week so your current arrangement is close to this. Would he prefer to have them two nights every other weekend than one night every weekend? One week in the school holidays isn't much. Non resident parents often get half of all school holidays if they can get the time off work.

I'm afraid the circumstances of the separation are irrelevant. If he takes you to court, the judgement will be made on what is best for the children. Any arguments you make should be based on the children's security and happiness so things like settled routines, ability to do school pick ups and drop offs, opportunities for children to attend after school clubs, spend time with their friends, parties at weekends etc.

Cecily0 Sun 26-Jul-15 07:42:16

Thanks for response. The reason they are spending a week with their dad is that my children only get 5 weeks in Summer, they are spending a week with their dad, a week with me, 2 weeks at specific activity schools where the normal routine will be in place and the last week they are spending time with my parents, which they have always done. My ex in the past has shown no interest in taking annual leave to spend with his children. He took 1-2 weeks in Summer to go on a family holiday, which I organised & he showed little interest in. He was far too busy, I found out, taking annual leave to be with this work colleague he was having an affair with. It does seem unfair that this kind of past behaviour by a parent isn't taken into consideration. But I suppose the fact I have been the main carer since day one, doing school runs, sourcing clubs and activities etc is a positive for me. I just hope he doesn't drag our children down the court route.

lighteningirl Sun 26-Jul-15 07:48:08

You are hurt and sadly being unreasonable. Enjoy your time off and let your children have a relationship with their Dad despite your opinion of his previous behaviour they and him need and this time he might appreciate what he's got. Take a deep breath take up a hobby and let your kids have a Dad.

Cecily0 Mon 27-Jul-15 21:09:34

I'm actually quite glad the relationship is over, it is a big relief . As far as i'm concerend I am getting on with my life, looking after my children like I always have done, and taking up sewing which is something i've always wanted to do, so your comments on i'm hurting and get a hobby are irrelevant. As far as i'm concerned it is my ex who has to move on and get a hobby, he's causing problems because he know finds himself on his own. The OW left him as soon as she realised i knew. My chidlren see more of their dad and have a better relationship with him then they ever had before. At least when they do see him know he shows them some attention.

Cecily0 Mon 27-Jul-15 21:09:37

I'm actually quite glad the relationship is over, it is a big relief . As far as i'm concerend I am getting on with my life, looking after my children like I always have done, and taking up sewing which is something i've always wanted to do, so your comments on i'm hurting and get a hobby are irrelevant. As far as i'm concerned it is my ex who has to move on and get a hobby, he's causing problems because he know finds himself on his own. The OW left him as soon as she realised i knew. My chidlren see more of their dad and have a better relationship with him then they ever had before. At least when they do see him know he shows them some attention.

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