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About leaving- am i being naive?

(5 Posts)
Tararatum Sun 19-Jul-15 21:56:47

H and I just cannot continue living together. It is an abusive relationship.

I have come to the end of my ability to cope. My plan is to leave to a rental and suggest 50 50 shared care, one week on, one week off. We earn eqallly, I would ask for no money, and we have no assets. I wouldn't involve solicitors and just separate. I'm hoping for a smooth split. Naive or possible?

AcrossthePond55 Sun 19-Jul-15 23:24:11

Possible, but not probable. If your H is abusive, he will probably continue the abuse any way he can. And once you are out of his 'clutches' that will mean stonewalling, unreasonable demands re the children, and generally jerking you around.

See a solicitor. Just separating doesn't protect you. Divorce does.

Tararatum Mon 20-Jul-15 14:26:11

Thanks across. How does divorce protect me as opposed to separation when we have no money or contact issues (hopefully) to deal with

AcrossthePond55 Mon 20-Jul-15 17:28:40

You have children. You have money. The point is that he is abusive. I've been there and we also had nothing. Rented, no kids, no financial assets. And still, my ex found ways to mess me around. Threatened to sue for alimony. Threatened to not leave our rented accommodation. Threatened to assassinate my character. He even attempted to force himself on me the one time he was allowed in the house (we had to file joint taxes for the year we separated). It was all about keeping 'control' of me and not allowing me to be happy. He didn't want me, but he didn't really want to let go of his 'punching bag'. And since he couldn't get to me physically, he needed to get to me emotionally.

To just live separately means that you are still liable for your spouse's debt. I was also advised that even a legal separation would not necessarily protect me if he ran up debt and defaulted. Or what would happen if he should become unable to work? Would/could you have any legal liability for his support or to contribute to his care if he needed out of home care? And as farfetched as it seems, what if you won the lottery or came into a large inheritance? Now, I'm in the US, so it may be different where you are. You really need to see a solicitor to find out exactly what's what about a legal separation vs divorce in the UK.

And think very carefully about the children. Do you really think that he'll be reasonable? That he'll really pull his weight in having and caring for the children. Who will pay for childcare? If you both work is he really going to keep his end of costs? Schooling, activities, the 1001 things that cost money in raising children? Look at his past financial patterns and his contribution to domestic life. It's usually pretty rare that an abusive spouse is an equal partner in homelife.

Finally, I understand that the period to obtain a final divorce in the UK is lengthy. What if you should meet someone lovely and want to marry or even to buy a house together? Or if that someone lovely doesn't want to get involved with a 'technically' married woman? I know right now you are thinking 'no way!!!' but you just don't know what life has in store for you.

I think right now you want to just get out and have convinced yourself that he will be reasonable in order to make it easy for you to leave. Maybe he will be and I'm just paranoid based on past experience. But I don't think so.

midnightvelvetPart2 Fri 24-Jul-15 09:10:42

I think you are assuming he will be reasonable, when the possibility is he won't be.

Also, no offence intended but if he's abusive then why on earth would you do 50-50 shared care? Would you not be the primary carer to protect them from him? And yes he may not have abused them before, but he may try to get to you through them, which presents the possibility of the children being in harm's way.

If he's abusive then your wish for a smooth split may not happen, he may create money or contact issues, if he's abusive now then he's not likely to simply let you walk away.

Sorry OP, I think you are being naive & underestimating the nastiness of some abusers when its clear you are planning to leave.

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