Separated

[Snoopdogg12]

After being together for 15 yrs, things between us got bad and I felt we had drifted apart - I couldn't see how it could be fixed, he wouldn't listen and I had had enough.

I told him I didn't love him, we slept apart for nearly 6 mths then tensions in the house got too much and because he wouldn't move out I decided to and rented a house with my 2 kids.

He said he wanted the house sold and wanted to buy his own so the house went up for sale. 3 months on the house has nearly completed and I've met someone from work - we started off as friends and he helped me with being rational and talking about my situation. Ex found out about him but I said we were friends but I still got nasty texts but ignored them.

I enjoyed new fellas company and the kids liked him. I introduced him to mutual friends and they invited me and new fella on a holiday in Sept - I thought well its been 3 mths separated, house has nearly sold I told ex there would be a divorce after house sale so in my mind it was all over between us just paperwork to sort out.

Well friends told ex about going on holiday and all hell broke loose with ex over the weekend! I got text saying I was adulterous and I didn't care, never wanted to sort marriage out etc etc telling our daughter horrible things about new fella saying he would punch him and that I'm shagging an old c*!!

Completely shocked as ex had all that time to try and sort things out between us or even give a hint that he was bothered. I got so fed up with the texts I said do what you want I've had enough..

This morning I got an I'm sorry text and I don't deserve you I hope you will be happy....

Now I feel so bad and guilty - feel like I shouldn't go on holiday. How long should I have waited?? Should I tell new fella to leave it - should I cancel holiday..don't know what to do for the best :(

[Ellie88]

He is just upset you're moving on. Go on your holiday and have fun. Do not feel guilty, if he wanted to try and make things work he would have said, not wait until he hears you have met someone else.

[midnightvelvetPart2]

Absolutely do not cancel your holiday! Whatever you & new fella do is none of his business & he can fuck off. You are separated & he does not have any claim on you & he does not get to dictate the terms of your new relationship.

He's trying to control you still.

Tell new fella what's happened & let the bitter ex rant to whomever he wants, what he thinks is no longer your concern. His happiness is not your responsibility any more.

Depending on how old your daughter is, I'd explain in broad terms that he's very angry & when adults are angry they can say stuff they don't mean etc

Have a great holiday by the way :)

[Toffeelatteplease]

Should have got the divorce through before you start openly dating. For your own sake, keeps things much simpler

[Snoopdogg12]

Thanks - I wish I had got the divorce sorted, I've sent ex the filled in application he ranted about that too, but I'm just going to get on with it now.

[Toffeelatteplease]

I realised that it's a bit shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted but I would keep it really low key until at least you know your ex's official response to the nisi. You can still be divorced on the grounds of adultery. I would definitely cancel the holiday until it has gone through

[midnightvelvetPart2]

I disagree with Toffee :)]

A divorce can take years to finalise, particularly if one party doesn't fill in the paperwork & keeps stalling etc & I don't see why the OP should have to be celibate until the divorce is finalised. They have separated, what difference does it make now, the decrees are merely the pieces of paper required to make it legal, they don't have any bearing on how the OP should conduct her day to day life. Who cares if he divorces her for adultery, what difference does it make if the end result is still the divorce that the OP is seeking? It doesn't matter what his reaction to the nisi is.

Cancelling the holiday now is merely pandering to the ex, I don't see the point as it gives him the impression that he still has a say over how the OP lives & what she does, whereas in reality if they are divorcing then its none of his business what the OP does & who she goes on holiday with. How dare he think she should cancel her holiday because he doesn't approve.

[Snoopdogg12]

I did see the divorce bit as 'paperwork' - the fact that I'd moved out of the marital home with the kids and moved into my own rented house whilst he was buying his own house, seemed to give him the impression we would sort things out but as we had not spoken to face to face about our marriage, I assumed it was clear we were over.

I do think he's jealous about me moving on and holidaying with our mutual friends.

[Toffeelatteplease]

You need to check how the law sees it. It may or may not take a different view.

It used to be that you could be required to pay costs in cases of adultery. That may not the case now and it might not make any difference to you at all. However if your ex does want to be a pain it might make a massive difference.

For me it was important the paperwork was in order for dc's in the future in case they ever wanted to see it.

I would want to check it out prior to there being any (more) solid evidence.

[midnightvelvetPart2]

Are you OK OP? Putting the marital home on the market & moving out should make it clear yes! :)

It may have been a shock for him that you moved on & the move was too quick for his liking, but that shouldn't stop you. He no longer has a say on how you live your life.

[midnightvelvetPart2]

x posted with Toffee, ah I see now why you were concerned about the adultery side, makes more sense now :)

[Snoopdogg12]

Thanks both for your advice, its been a very difficult 7 months. If he hadn't been so stubborn about not moving out and facing our problems and his attitude I may have given it another shot but to have to move out with the kids, that was it for me - the last straw. For some reason he thought leaving me alone would make me see sense!! How he can gauge responses from text messages I'll never know.

I will lodge the petition asap and get ball rolling, just hope it doesn't take too long.

[midnightvelvetPart2]

Perhaps he thought that you couldn't cope by yourself.

I'm glad I was able to offer some help, also there are lots of people posting on the Relationships board which is under the Body & Soul topic & its a bit busier, so feel free to post in there as well if you want. Its good for ongoing support & there are lots of women who are in the middle of leaving their husbands :)

[Toffeelatteplease]

You also need to think how your kids will see it.

If your ex tells your dc that you were just going through a rough patch when suddenly you moved out and were off on holiday/decided to go on holiday with someone else within 3 months you may be glad to have paperwork that makes it clear on what grounds the divorce went through.

I think you are going way too quick for your children's sake. Children take time to process a separation, you need to give them time to do it. They are six months behind you on the acceptance process!!!

I also think maybe one of your friends is not as supportive as you think. Essentially they have reported the holiday back to your still husband.

[Toffeelatteplease]

Sorry I think you are absolutely bonkers to think your kids can go from living with mum and dad to holidaying with the new bloke within the space of a year.

[Snoopdogg12]

I wasn't taking the kids actually, they were staying with family.

[Toffeelatteplease]

That's one thing at least.

[Snoopdogg12]

I do talk to my children a lot about what is happening, I am trying to be rational and put their needs first. All I wanted was a break from it all a bit of light at the end of the tunnel..maybe that is wrong.

[Toffeelatteplease]

Nope nothing wrong with wanting a break but....

I have a friend 2-3 years down the line. She is still having those conversations.

I'm seven years down the line Im still having those conversations. My kids don't even remember us together.

You're what six months? Your kids havent yet had a complete year of switching between houses, I would guess not even one Christmas and summer holidays. There hasn't been time for the pain of the divorce to be felt and cool. By the sounds of it your ex is still dealing, that's going to impact on the kids too.

Putting you're kids first. It's an overused under-understood expression. Most people on here recommend dating a new partner for a year before introducing a new partner. I didn't get it when I first got divorced. I totally do know. You may have dealt with it in that time (I had) but you have no idea yet how those around you will deal with the implications for them. They don't even necessarily know yet.

You have a whole bundle of differing needs you are balancing , your kids, the divorce, your's, and yes still your exs to a certain extent . Adding anyone else's needs to the mix is too soon.

[Snoopdogg12]

OK thanks for your insight, I appreciate it.

[Ellie88]

Only you know what's best for you & your kids. Every split/divorce is different and you are perfectly entitled to start moving on. Your ex may try these stunts for ages but you can't let that dictate your life. Enjoy your holiday