Emotions making me question whether I'm diong the right thing. How to manage exH?(5 Posts)
My H moved out last Monday. He agreed to go to give me some space etc. He came back to see the kids midweek and then had them for the weekend. By the end of the week the penny was starting to drop as to what this meant and the phone calls and texts started. He dropped the girls back yesterday evening and I'd said that we could have a talk then as I'm trying to be reasonable and don't want to rock the boat.
So we talked and it basically turns into a big counselling session with me supporting him and having to advise him how to sort himself out. Whilst I really do appreciate that things are hard for him - he's moved out so not seeing the girls, living out of a suitcase etc, I also don't see why I am the shoulder to cry on. One of the major problems during our marriage was how he always put is friends before me. I ask myself where are they now and why isn't he turning to them instead of laying all this on me.
It wasn't all one sided. I did tell him a few home truths and I certainly have not given him any reason for false hope.
The point of the post is how to manage this. When I don't see him I feel ok with my decision and sure that it's the right thing but then after this I start to question all the pain and hurt I am causing. It makes it hard to stick to my guns and feel confident that I'm doing the right thing.
Help / advise please??
You are right, you need to detach, detach, detach..... Don't make this any harder than it already is.
No more 'heart to hearts'
Is he trying to make you feel guilty & to see how bad it is for him
the poor fainting blossom to force you to reconsider & to also take the blame for him feeling so bad.
I'm very glad you told him some home truths, that must feel better for you to have got that out
If he tries to text you about all of this then ignore it, if he tries to call you then tell him you don't want to talk about it/can't speak right now depending on how confrontational you're feeling. If he asks to have a talk then say no, you are no longer responsible for his happiness & whatever he's feeling now is not your problem. I suspect he's not talking to his friends as he cannot be honest with them about why you have split, maybe he's told them that he left you to salve his ego & now can't back down on that. It doesn't matter why, it matters that you don't allow him to make you feel shit as you know you have made the right decision.
Also when he realises that you are serious & that you have actually left him then he may get spiteful & do things you would not think him capable of. Keep a close eye on any joint accounts or savings & get legal assistence asap.
Thanks. I think it's come as a genuine shock to him that I would rather face a future on my own with a lot of uncertainty, little spare money, having to work more etc than be with him. He keeps asking my how I'll manage. I've said that I will and it's really not his concern. I guess he's trying to undermine my confidence in my decision.
I think he's not very truthful with his friends and therefore is probably lacking in support. I really don't care if he tells them a pack of lies as long as he starts to rely on them, not me.
I am so aware though of not trying to rock the boat and upsetting him as we're doing pretty well on agreeing 'who gets what' etc and I want to try and get this sorted whilst he's still being reasonable.
Oh it's just all such a minefield and of course then the doubts creep in about doing the right thing.
Will try to step back whilst being civil and reasonable.
This is what I did - moved out with the kids to rented house marital house went on market and he decided to buy and I didn't really speak to him for nearly 3 months - now I'm starting to get my life back together ie moving on he said he was just giving me space and thought we were getting back together?! wtf?!
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