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Torn over leaving my bi-polar partner who I have a 1 year old DD with

(5 Posts)
eepie Mon 06-Jul-15 22:39:22

My DD is 1 year old. During my pregnancy and the whole last year her Dad & I have been having very regular blow-ups - recently involving physical aggression from him towards me. He is slightly hypomanic and un-medicated bi-polar at the moment. He is aware of it but doesn't really manage it in that he doesn't see the mania coming and adjust his lifestyle accordingly to try and head it off and avoid drugs or stimulus etc...
He went away on a stag weekend recently and took drugs & didn't sleep & our baby wasn't sleeping either so we were both just frazzled (him self inflicted so no sympathy there) so we ended up having a big misunderstandng / crossed words in the early hours of the morning whilst our baby was crying & he couldn't handle it and took his aggression out on me. That was kind of the last straw for me...I thought..But it's complicated. His Mum talked me down from leaving because she convinced me that we were both just driven insane by the sleep deprivation as our DD hadn't been sleeping well for months.

I am still feeling awful about our relationship though..I'm not sure it's fixable...I feel too much damage has been done & I'm afraid I don't love him anymore. But in some ways I really do. It really is like loving two different people in the same man sometimes. It's not just a case of "Oh he's a dickhead, leave". He is capable of all within the same day being the biggest twat & also lovely ??!?!
I think though it might be the hardest thing ever but maybe better in the long run to separate. Devastated at the thought of it though because it is SO not what I wanted for us or our DD. I am completely torn over what I should do....on one hand I feel like my patience has completely run out & that he has said and done too many horrible things to me. I was trying to be patient as there was always an excuse like "he's stressed" "we haven't been sleeping because of the baby" "it's normal to argue when you have a new baby" "maybe it's my hormones" "maybe I've got post-natal depression" etc etc. But on the other hand when things are good they are really good and we really do have a great time together & with our baby...we are a great team and great parents to her even if we do disagree on some fundamental issues ie smoking...
I know that when this manic phase passes he will be really down and really really sad to have lost me and my DD who he absolutely adores and is the best most present Dad to.....And I will feel horribly guilty for making a big decision whilst he is manic and not just being more patient or more understanding. But I feel like I'm giving all my patience to our baby and I don't have any left for him anymore...I feel like I can't go on in a relationship where I get little to no emotional support or understanding and yet am expected to GIVE so much to him. He won't take medication...which I kind of respect as he is low on the bi-polar spectrum if you know what I mean...he doesn't do crazy crazy things when manic except erratic driving, erratic moods and temper, very poor reaction to stress, loses focus on work and gets distracted with different projects and seeing loads of different people, drinks more, smokes more etc. And is just harder to live with and exhausting for me. We also argue a lot anyway and it's worse when he's manic. He becomes snappy and defensive about any tiny thing, especially if I'm perceived to be trying to curtail his fun like suggest maybe he doesn't go to this party or that party or suggest maybe he gets a good amount of sleep tonight or suggest maybe that a certain business idea is maybe a bit risky etc.

I am also just scared and totally unsure what to do to actually separate from him. We are currently having couples therapy with a really good therapist and are 2 sessions in....but I really feel I wish I was living separately to him and in a way I wish we could have a fresh start and spend some time apart to take the pressure off and get to know each other again & see if there's anything left. I need him to try and manage his illness better though & through therapy I am trying to make him see this. He says he wants & needs boundaries & structure & to be grounded by me but he resents me when I do impose boundaries and structure! On one hand he is very aware of his illness but he is not aware of the effect it is having on our relationship & how he needs to make some changes FOR GOOD if he wants to manage this without medication ie. not taking drugs on stag weekends. He is so stuck in his ways and 15 years older than me that I worry he doesn't want to and can't change, even when his relationship & daughter is on the line.

I don't want to disrupt my DD too much and I don't have any bloody money unfortunately as I have been at home with my DD for the last year, breastfeeding still...and have no savings or anything. I guess I could get housing benefit but I fear it'd be hard to find a decent place with a landlord that takes housing benefit in this area of London. I could move down the to the countryside to be closer to my family (they don't have anywhere for me to stay unfortunately) BUT I want my DD to be close to her Dad and see him all the time....I don't want to take her away from him and my MIL as they are so close.

Any advice about all of it would be SO appreciated. Thanks.

Smellyoulateralligator Tue 07-Jul-15 00:17:36

Gosh eepie - this all sounds so incredibly difficult for you.
The first thing I suggest is please get this moved to the relationships topics. You can request this by reporting your posts. There is more traffic there and many wise and kind posters who will be able to offer great advice and support.

For what it's worth, I think that your situations sounds incredibly stressful and unless your DH seeks help for his illness and manages it properly, a happy family life will be impossible.

You can't fix him and it's really unfair of him to expect you to be the one who puts boundaries in place. flowers

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 07-Jul-15 12:21:32

Hi eepie,

Sorry you're going through such a tough time at the moment. flowers

We just wondered if you'd like us to move this thread over to our Relationships topic? Hopefully there'll be plenty of MNers there to offer more advice and support.

Just post here if you'd like us to move it, or report this thread.

redshoeblueshoe Tue 07-Jul-15 12:44:59

You really are having a very hard time. Could he stay with his DM - just for a while, and you both continue with the therapy ? Is he getting any support from his GP ? I agree with Smell - he does need professional help flowers

eepie Tue 07-Jul-15 13:12:38

Thanks for the responses - I have already posted it on the Relationships board actually and am getting lots of responses. I think the first step is he moves out to his Mums and we separate for a bit whilst continuing therapy. Hopefully the shock of me meaning business that I have had enough and want out will push him to take his mental illness seriously as realise how much it's affecting our relationship.

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