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can't move on.

(10 Posts)
Sweetsecret Sat 04-Jul-15 15:57:29

Really really struggling with moving on from my seperation. it's been three months and I still feel as devastated today as I did the first day.
I am exhausted being a single mum, I don't have any help during the week other than ex coming over to take the kids out for a few hours at the weekend.
I miss him so much, he says we are not compatible and no amount of counselling etc will change that, he is done. He is also severely depressed so I have been walking on egg shells with him.
I am just done in and feel like I will feel like this forever.
Please tell me it will get better and how can no help myself move on as I feel like I am in a rut.sad

Minime85 Sat 04-Jul-15 20:06:22

So sorry you are feeling so low. It is hard. But I promise it absolutely does get better. Is there anyone who can take the kids for you for a few hours? Why isn't he having them overnight? Is that something that can happen in the future? How old are they?

I'm two years since the announcement I don't love you anymore and about 20 months since he left. The first year is up and down I found. The first of everything. But time heals and finding new routines helps. It is exhausting. I've now found a lovely new chap and my dds and I are finding stability again. Good luck

Sweetsecret Sat 04-Jul-15 21:38:12

Thanks Mini, he hasn't got his own place yet still staying in his brothers spare room, so no chance of him having the kids overnight.
they are 2 and 5, so I am not sure my two year old would cope well with it anyway.
He has been seeing them at my house, which is really not ideal regarding me moving on as we get on really well when he is here and I think I have been under the illusion of false hope.
I am just so bloody lonely, and he told me today there is no chance for us.
I told him today we can't be friends and I don't want contact he will have to take the kids out somewhere.
I just can't bare to see him, but then I can't bare not seeing him. it's that feeling I want to go away.
I just feel so hopeless about the future right now. sad

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 05-Jul-15 17:42:37

My ex acted like this when he first walked out. Seeing my son for two hours on a Saturday which he thought would be fine for the rest of his childhood.

When I told him it should be every other weekend and one night in the week that was seen as "my entitlement". The big twat.

One weekend I told him he was staying in the house and I went and stayed with a friend. He was furious but had no bloody argument.

I got some rest, adult conversation and a good sleep. If I didn't have a supportive friend my plan was to hole up in a travel lodge or equivalent with a few pot noodles and a book.

So tell him to sort his act out for some sort of routine going forward be cause he instigated the whole bloody mess and he can damn well sort it out.

In the meantime book into that Travelodge.

Sweetsecret Sun 05-Jul-15 21:27:01

Thanks Wally.
Today he said he was going to come and get the kids to take them to the park, he was 30 mins late, so I called him to see where he was as my kids were sat with their shoes and coats on ready to go (poor little babes) and he said oh can we make it 2pm I have some jobs to do.
I just hung up the phone and took them out myself.
we had a lovely time at the park and guess who was waiting outside my house when we got home at 2.30?
He was playing the poor wounded puppy act, and was annoyed i had taken them to the park,I just couldn't be arsed with him for one more minute, he took the kids out for an hour then was gone again.
I have text him with the times he will pick them up and drop them off next weekend, and that's the last contact I want with him this week.
I just can't believe he has turned into one of "those" dads. sad

WallyBantersJunkBox Mon 06-Jul-15 10:28:03

Yes it doesn't take long for them to show the colours...

What RL support do you have sweet?

Don't be afraid to lean...heavily if need be, while you sort out your strategy.

And get a decent break planned. thanks

Sweetsecret Mon 06-Jul-15 11:16:47

I don't have a lot, my mum is close but she is away on holiday literally every other week, and it's a case of she will help if she gets time.
I moved away from my home town when I got married (my mum followed me)so am about 200 miles away from the rest of my family, I have great friends, but they all have their own families and lives.
Had a nightmare last night both kids were up and down all night so I am knackered today.
Is it normal to feel this hopeless, it just feels like it won't get any easier at the moment. I know deep down it will, I just wish I knew when.

Penfold007 Mon 06-Jul-15 11:35:00

Would it be possible/acceptable for him to stay at yours every other weekend an done night a week to do his share of parenting. Then you go and stay at your mum's place?

I appreciate that this may not suit but it might give you the rest you need.

Minime85 Mon 06-Jul-15 18:32:42

Keep a record of everything that is happening re failed pick ups etc.
You can't be responsible for his behaviour and it breaks your heart when you feel he has let them down. But you aren't the one at fault. It sounds like you did the right thing about the park. Try and keep things as normal as possible for them and in a routine. You need to create some space between him and yourself and that isn't easy to start with. Only contact him about the kids when necessary.

I agree that maybe trying to facilitate him having some over night stay without you there is a good idea.

Sweetsecret Mon 06-Jul-15 22:13:39

Yes Mini and Penfold, that could be a good option.
As my mum is always away it may be a good way for me to get some time off.
He works Friday and Saturday nights (2nd job) at the moment as he is saving for a place of his own. so until then he can't do it. but may work for once in a while when he can get a night off.
We had a good talk in the phone tonight and I made it very clear that he needed to keep to times no matter what as it was not fair to break a little girls heart like that, he agreed and we have now put a plan in pace for the next few weekends times etc. so we will see how it goes from there.
I am hoping the kids sleep better tonight so I can get some much needed sleep.
Thankyou for your comments, it helps so much to know you are doing what's right, as I have questioned myself so many times on whether I am being fair.
As I see it, I have never stopped him from seeing his kids I would never do that to them or him, but it doesn't mean our lives can be put on hold if he can't be arsed to turn up when agreed.

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