Decision finally made. Feel v sad and anxious

[lifebeginsat42]

So, after a lot of soul searching and questioning and finally telling some friends and family exactly what living with my H is really like, I have made a decision and I'm going to divorce him.

I am terrified and have a very anxious feeling in my tummy but I know this is the right thing.

I am so sad that it has come to this and feel awful guilt when I think about what my DDs are going to have to go through, but I know this is the right thing.

So, this morning I've contacted a solicitor and made an initial appointment for later this week. Going to find another so I can compare and hopefully choose the right one.

I wish I felt strong and resolved but I feel weak and sad and worried and can't stop crying. I don't know how I'm going to find the strength to do this.

Please someone tell me I will be okay and I can get through this.

[wheresmyAga]

You will be okay and you can get through this

I know exactly how you feel about finally telling friends and family. Don't know about you, but I maintained such a convincing facade about my EA relationship that even my best friend didn't realise what was going on.

You are doing the right thing, for you and especially for your DDs. Now people know what's going on, lean on them - they'll want to support you.

Good luck

[lifebeginsat42]

Thanks Aga.

My relationship has also been EA and at times physically too. It certainly hits your confidence and ability to function fully.

How far along with this are you?

I'm hoping that once the ball starts rolling I'll feel a bit better and can focus more on what needs to be done. Feel very strange right now.

[wheresmyAga]

After a 15-year relationship I left him a decade ago. It was very, very tough to start with - I moved to a new area and he tried to persuade me to go back to him. I lost loads of weight, my confidence and self-esteem nose-dived and I found it difficult to be the happy, upbeat mum I wanted to be for my DC.

In the early days, what saved me was the 100 per cent support of my friends and family. As soon as I told them what was going on, most of them revealed that they'd had their suspicions that something wasn't right for years but hadn't wanted to intervene. They were there for me with emotional and practical support and propped me up when I was struggling. They also reassured me that I'd done the right thing for my DC. If we'd stayed, they would have grown up witnessing their father being abusive to their mother on a daily basis.

Three years ago I married someone else and thank my lucky stars every single day that I made the decision to leave my X. Now I'm in a safe, happy, mutually supportive relationship, I can see just how terrible my previous relationship was. My DC are happy and thriving and love their stepdad. In recent years they have both made the decision not to see their biological father and I fear they will blame me for that in the future, but am trying not to dwell on it and enjoy what we have now.

I really feel for you. The place you're in right now really is the worst bit - making the decision to leave and doing it. Things will get better, slowly but surely. Take one step at a time, plan carefully and you will move forward towards a better future.

[lifebeginsat42]

Thank you for sharing your story Aga. I am so pleased that you and your children are now happy and secure.

It helps to read about those who've faced similar circumstances, got through it and gone on to be so much happier. My children not growing up believing this sort of relationship is normal is one of my main motivators. I have 2 girls and this is not the sort of marriage I would want for them.

In my mind, I'm setting myself up for hell for the next 18-24 months. I have no delusions as my H has always said he would 'destroy me' if we divorced. Nice.

One of the biggest challenges I'm going to have to face is living with him whilst the divorce process starts. I really have no options re moving out and one of my main aims is to get the family home. I know he won't go initially. He might do further down the line when it sinks in that this is happening. God alone knows how I'll manage it.

I guess I need to try not to over think everything that might happen and just deal with things each day as they happen.

I am also dreading the telling him part but this is not going to happen until I've taken legal advise and know roughly where I stand.

[Minime85]

It will be tough. You will cry. But you will get through it and be happy again I promise. I'm now two years down the line. 2 dd who were then 8 and 6. Now 10 and 7 and mostly doing really well. Just try to keep their routines as normal as possible. They will come to realise it's not a broken home but that mum and dad have created 2 places they can call home.

[wheresmyAga]

How are you lifebegins? Hope you're okay and making progress

[mrsdavidbowie]

Oh its hard.
But worth it.
This time last year I was still unhappily married in a EA relationship. I had a lightbulb moment in September and divorced in March.
Had every emotion from him...anger, aggression , verbal abuse, manipulative "end it all" threats.....but I've remained totally emotionally detached.
The children see me relaxed, happy, positive.
Be strong

[Snoopdogg12]

Hi
I moved out the family home with my girls in May and haven't looked back - we tried living together since Sept when I told him I didn't love him anymore, but it didn't work I was till cooking and cleaning up after him, it made me resent him. Kids have been fine, youngest goes to stay with him at weekends. The family home is nearly finalized with a buyer so that will be a weight and hes buying a house round the corner (great!) - but I feel happier all round :)

[Snoopdogg12]

Oh I have cried..lots and wracked my head until it hurts wondering should I go back but I know deep down it will go back to what it was and I don't want that x

[lifebeginsat42]

Thanks guys for checking in on me. I'm really touched.

I had a meeting yesterday with a good solicitor. I'd prepared detailed notes in advance and we discussed everything. Things are complicated because of some of H's wrapping of our finances in with his business interests. Solicitor did however think I'd be able to keep the house as long as A. I can find £70K to buy him out of his share and B. I can increase my earnings to meet mortgage and bills etc. B, I think I could do long term if I get a new job. No idea yet about A. but I am going to ask if there is any way I can offset this against a chunk of his pension that I'm going after. He may accept this but if he doesn't I guess I will have to sell and try and find something cheaper - not ideal at all as we only moved in last July after already downsizing .

The positives are that he is confident that despite any threats and bluster on his side he can't see any judge ruling in favour of him having main residence of our children.

He also suggested a plan as follows ....

He sends H a letter saying that I am very stressed out and upset and need some space and ask him nicely to move out temporarily. The divorce word will not be mentioned at this point and he would ask him to continue to contribute to all bills etc as normal.
H can either go to his parents or a friend nicely or refuse. If he refuses, solicitor will send 2nd letter basically saying that we didn't want to mention this but will bring up issues of violence if needed.
He will be furious (that word doesn't even cover it!!) So, once he's out this will give him a chance to cool down, take some legal advice himself which will back up what I'm saying in terms of my and the children's rights to stay in the house. It will also give me some time to start working on getting a new job etc.
And then once things have cooled slightly hopefully he will be in a better position to start discussing an actual divorce.

I personally think this is a good approach. If I go straight in with the D word he's going to go into orbit and things could be pretty nasty. I believe he's going to think he wants to save this marriage and if I'm right then he will have to leave to give me the space I say I need.

I am planning to deliver the letter and the news next week. I am crapping myself about it, mostly because of how he will react but also because once it's done, then that's it. At the moment he has no idea that I've spent the last 3 weeks thinking of little else and planning all this.

Oh and I've also finally opened up to my Mum and told her everything and whilst she is very worried how all this is going to pan out and thinks I'm going to have a very tough time, she is supportive of my decision.

Thankfully H is off shortly until Sunday on a weekend away with a freind. He needed some time away from it all to unwind apparently and we weren't required. Funny though as he'll soon have plenty of time for himself !!

Sorry, this has been a bit of a essay but wanted to share the fact that I'm making real moves to sort this.

[wheresmyAga]

Sounds as if you're doing brilliantly - I like your solicitor's plan.

Good news too that your mum is being supportive and great that you can talk to her honestly. IME, it's so much easier once you have RL help. The worst time for me was the period just before we separated, when I was building up to telling him (but dreading it) and trying to organise everything (in my case, without his knowledge).

Re your children, I think the most important thing is to be honest with them, age-appropriately of course. I spent years defending my Ex and glossing over everything he'd done. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do, but in retrospect, it made it much harder for them to understand why I left etc several years down the line.

Tell them the truth.

Keep going, you'll get there.

[lifebeginsat42]

Hi Aga,

Yes I feel like I'm in a strange place at the mo as my plans are def coming together but I honestly think he has no idea. I feel a bit sneaky, making my plans, gathering evidence etc and almost feel sorry for him as this is going to hit him like a tonne of bricks and he's going to be so far behind where I am.

That's why I think the 'asking him to move out to give me some space to think' plan is a good one. It eases the blow so as not to ignite an massive bomb. He is so stressed anyway with all his business stuff.

I have just said goodbye to him as he heads off for his weekend. I've tried sowing a few seeds. Told him how upset and stressed I am right now and how all of this is starting to make me ill. I said, I don't know how much more of this I can take. His response was yes, but what can I do about it?

Re the children, they are 5 and 8 and believe me they already know a lot. There is a lot of tension in the house and rows are frequent. Our 8 year old in particular is smart and knows way more than she should. My plan is to tell them I need some time away from H to allow us both to calm down and for me to make the right decisions about what is best for us all.

Any tips / thoughts on how to deliver the news to him. I am really worried about it?

[Minime85]

You sound like you know where you are headed. Good to get solicitor advice too. I did that bout pension. I wasn't interested in it as long as I could keep house. I just gave him a small sum from it which was really just to get judge to agree the financial settlement in my favour.

My kids were similar ages at 8 and just 6. I got books that were recommended on here. One was called mum and dad glue. I can't remember title of other one but got from Amazon. We sat them down together and told them we wanted to be friends but didn't want to live together. That we still loved them and always would. We told them a week before he left. He had a house to go to. We took them there together to show them before he moved.

Wishing you lots of luck

[mar46]

Hi, hope you are successfully moving on now. Could I ask how this plan worked out. I too am concerned about a forceful initial reaction and then an ongoing destructive approach. I am very nervous about how to disclose and what will happen. Thanks.